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Hello, it's a while since I've posted here. I was trying to quit and I succeeded, but I know it's an ongoing process... I managed 14 months completely free of alcohol. I recently started again, for a few reasons. I started to get curious about booze, it was like I'd forgotten how it felt. I convinced myself that my problem had never been that big, and that having had a really good rest from it, I would now have the skills (and the positive associations with sobriety) to think about a return to social drinking. Also, friends were trying to talk me into it, the (unspoken) implication being that I was isolating myself or 'being boring' by not having one or two drinks. I think it can be difficult for people to really understand why it's such a problem, if it's something they never have a problem managing.
So a couple of weeks back, as an experiment, I had a couple of beers on my own in the flat. I have to say it was underwhelming - but it was almost like a weird door in my brain had been re-opened. I wasn't convinced it was great, but a strange inner program was revived that made me want to keep going back there. On occasions after that I found myself repeating the experiment in private. It seemed pretty manageable and I was succeeding in keeping to my limits. Then again, I should have realised that drinking alone (which was always the core of my problem) was NOT a return to social drinking, I was kidding myself. Last night I really went off the rails again, ignored my limits and got really drunk - the dam finally burst. I've spent all day in bed feeling ill and feeling sorry for myself. My sobriety, I'd come to think of it as akin to a little bird I was holding in my hands. Precious and beautiful but very very fragile indeed. Disrespect it and you lose it. I'm writing this down, as I am hoping it will help me to restart my resolve not to drink. I found that writing my intentions here before really did help me to make my desire not to drink 'official' in some weird sense. I have to reassure myself that the good things I got from being sober are not yet lost, this relapse is not the end of the world, that I can just mark this down as a little wake-up call - a reminder to be vigilant, a reminder why my relationship with alcohol needs to be different to most other people's. Good luck to everyone else on the same journey as me...
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