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Relapse

Posted , 8 users are following.

peter97822
peter97822

Hello, it's a while since I've posted here. I was trying to quit and I succeeded, but I know it's an ongoing process... I managed 14 months completely free of alcohol. I recently started again, for a few reasons. I started to get curious about booze, it was like I'd forgotten how it felt. I convinced myself that my problem had never been that big, and that having had a really good rest from it, I would now have the skills (and the positive associations with sobriety) to think about a return to social drinking. Also, friends were trying to talk me into it, the (unspoken) implication being that I was isolating myself or 'being boring' by not having one or two drinks. I think it can be difficult for people to really understand why it's such a problem, if it's something they never have a problem managing.

So a couple of weeks back, as an experiment, I had a couple of beers on my own in the flat. I have to say it was underwhelming - but it was almost like a weird door in my brain had been re-opened. I wasn't convinced it was great, but a strange inner program was revived that made me want to keep going back there. On occasions after that  I found myself repeating the experiment in private. It seemed pretty manageable and I was succeeding in keeping to my limits. Then again, I should have realised that drinking alone (which was always the core of my problem) was NOT a return to social drinking, I was kidding myself. Last night I really went off the rails again, ignored my limits and got really drunk - the dam finally burst. I've spent all day in bed feeling ill and feeling sorry for myself. My sobriety, I'd come to think of it as akin to a little bird I was holding in my hands. Precious and beautiful but very very fragile indeed. Disrespect it and you lose it. I'm writing this down, as I am hoping it will help me to restart my resolve not to drink. I found that writing my intentions here before really did help me to make my desire not to drink 'official' in some weird sense. I have to reassure myself that the good things I got from being sober are not yet lost, this relapse is not the end of the world, that I can just mark this down as a little wake-up call - a reminder to be vigilant, a reminder why my relationship with alcohol needs to be different to most other people's. Good luck to everyone else on the same journey as me...

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • RHGB
    RHGB peter97822

    Posted

    In both the alcohol recovery centres I visited, they said, that many people 'tested' themselves nad it rarely had a good outcome.

    Because by our very nature, one drink is never enough.

    Don't think of it as failing, think of it as you just gave your body and mind, 14 months of rest and recuperation. See how you go staying off it, if you can't. then look at one of the many medications about to help you with the process.

  • troy83653
    troy83653 peter97822

    Posted

    Man I understand you wholeheartedly. Not until recently did I come to the realization that this is a sickness. I'm proud of you and I don't even know you. That takes alot of courage to stay off of it for 14 months. Your willpower was stronger than others. Just remember that tomorrow starts today, so there'sno time like the present. More power to you and good luck on your journey. Just remeber that it gets greater later
  • BK522
    BK522 peter97822

    Posted

    I managed two weeks sober back in 2013 then thought I could have a bottle of wine now and then, this has now escalated to two bottles a night.

    There is no middle ground without medical intervention or total human reserve abstinence (the latter of which I am unable to do).

    I have just started Nalmefene and am persevering with it after all of the good things I've read.

    In regard to your alcohol consumption it may be of benefit for you to enquirer about medication to help you get sober, or stay abstinent. Of course medication isn't just the cure, there are also talking therapies such as CBT which may help you too.

    Thank you for your honesty Peter and I hope this message finds you well. We are all in this together.

  • Misssy2
    Misssy2 peter97822

    Posted

    Hi!

    You did awesome for the 14 months!

    ​Don't let this slip derail you....seems you are getting your head together...and I love the analogy of the little bird in had.

    Drink alot of fluids....eat and sleep if you can.

    Hope you feel better soon.

     

  • Paper_fairy
    Paper_fairy peter97822

    Posted

    I feel the same as misssy that's it's great you did 14 months and a blip like this is just part of your journey to soberiety. You will get back to where you were before this. Don't beat yourself up, just move on. I love the little bird thing, won't forget that. Take care and get well again soon x
  • peter97822
    peter97822

    Posted

    Wow, thank you - I'm really so moved to read these replies and supportive thoughts. Yes, I'm going to renew my efforts, tomorrow is another day. It's good to be reminded what drinking is like. After you've given up you can sometimes tend to romanticise it - but hopefully today is just the stark reminder I need that the 'feelgood' side of it is really elusive, and there is hell to pay afterwards. I'm feeling human again now, but the hangover today has been crazy. Reminds me of all those precious days of my life I've lost to hangovers in previous years, it's time I'll never get back. I don't want to live my life like that. Also I don't want to live my life with that little control over what happens to me. I'd forgotten that sense of helplessness. In time it was like a weight dragging me down... We'll see how it goes, I'll update here in a week or two.
    • Robin2015
      Robin2015 peter97822

      Posted

      Hi Peter. I did the same 3 yrs ago...no drink for 4 months and the tested my willpower and NOT GOOD...kept drinking etc and finally stopped 6 months later 31st Dec 2012 and nothing since. Fragile bird is a wonderful mention and look out for it...do try to stop today and tomorrow and you will NOT miss the hangovers. Best of luck! Robin
  • OOOOO
    OOOOO peter97822

    Posted

    You realise what a fragile situation we are all in. Not everyone does. Good luck on the next stage of your progress.  All my self-test episodes have failed. I am trying the Selincro now because Campral did not help me. I drank when I took it, the same as when I didn't. Very unsure about new med but willing to try my best. I know I can't control it on my own. Sad but true. I can't control it. This cutting down gradually may, may, may be the way.
  • Guest
    Guest peter97822

    Posted

    You should be proud of yourself. 14 months sober? That's amazing. You can and will do it again. If I could do a day sober I would be proud. Of course, you can do it! x
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