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Relapsed 2 months ago , but now 10 days sober

Posted , 4 users are following.

vixxxen222
vixxxen222

I am a definate alcoholic. I never deny it, alocohol scares the sh*t out of me because I can drink like no one i know . It isnt a joke to me, my drink,. I am 35 years old. I have been drinking 24 years. I am a mother , a great mother, but if I start drinking, I dont stop and then slowly day by day, everything around me will lose its importance. house cleaning, cooking, hygiene. I just stop caring about anything but my vodka. I had quit many times , sometimes for a few years. this last time I quit, was january 2013. I was sober all year of 2014 until my birthday in november. And off I was again. non stop every day , and I control it so as to not get 'drunk' but it doesnt matter, you always get drunk.  I was getting sicker I knew this, I also know I had to friggin stop. I dont like alcohol, I friggin hate it. ! but I an alcoholic , so I DRINK it!  a week ago today I woke up and decided I wont drink today, I will stop this damn roller coaster again. and man was I sick, very sick as I had been drinking the whole week. alot of vodka, alot of money gone down the drain. My oldest daughter is 14 and she knows what I am, it saddens her just as much as it saddens me... I spent the whole day last saturday , head in the toilet , and shaking very badly. Been here many times, and its so sad to feel this sick. I made the choice again to stop. And its only been a week now that I have decided not to drink, its so damn hard to make that decision, but once I do, I DO! I am a very strong woman, a stay at home mom for many years. I have 6 children, and I love my life and my kiddies more than anything. I do this on my own, staying sober, I used to go to AA but i cant at the moment , which is ok. I went to my doctor and finally admitted my depression and anxiety issues.  She started me on Mirtazipine. I am hopeful that dealing with my depression will help me deal with not leaning on the DRINK when ever i feel hopeless. Its all Ive got, is to be hopeful and stay positive. Lord knows I can drink, but I dont want to....I cant drink like most people, I knew this long ago.

I friggin love being sober,

I hope the ones out there suffering at this moment know that there is a way, and that way is inside yourself, look around you, see what you have and love it. Love YOURSELF!

that is all

xoxox

5 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • PaulJTurner1964
    PaulJTurner1964 vixxxen222

    Posted

    You have amazing will power Vixxxen and congratulations for sticking by this despite the horrible withdrawal symptoms.

    I hope you don't mind me telling other people not to follow your example. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms are very dangerous and can even kill you. You must NEVER go cold turkey from alcohol if you experience shakiness and other symptoms when you try to stop. You must seek medical help, in the form of a detox.

    Please don't think that I am being negative about what you have achieved this past week Vixxxen. I just think people should be aware of the risks.

    Well done, again smile

    • vixxxen222
      vixxxen222 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      thanks for reading and responding Paul, I 110% agree with you , I shouldnt have just stpooed like that, I have in the past weaned myself off slowly for 2 days , with atleast 2 drinks a day, and sleep, this last time i was talking about in my post was by far the worst and scariest, you are so smart! and you are right, it should never be done like i did. but thankfully i am okay. so glad that little stint is over!! i had 11 months in and then went back for depression reasons Id say. I am just fine now. smile

      maybe Im one of the lucky ones tho luck hasnt much to do with it. I feel blessed to have the will power to be aware of my problem and STOP DRINKING.

      Bless You!!

  • deirdre._03652
    deirdre._03652 vixxxen222

    Posted

    Hi vixxxen, brilliant news that you have stopped, it is a huge achievement x I too know the horrors of alcoholism, I have been well for twelve years, and I am still grateful every single day that the terrible, terrible, terrible rip your head off!!! Cravings have gone... if you ever have the odd slip, just start again, and again... you have done amazingly well to stop on your own, I never could, however I had loads of support from CAS....mental health clinic,,,,,alcohol support nurse.... CPN.,,,,, and of course my family.....

    I was only two weeks away from death, and terrified of how I would cope... I find one of the best things is ...I actually like myself again, after all those years of self loathing...... you will succeed, we all deserve to, we are not bad people, just a bit lost......Paul j Turner is invaluable for advice as is hope4care, I wish you all the luck in the world... big hugs, Deirdre xxxx

  • pmcg21
    pmcg21 vixxxen222

    Posted

    well done Vixxxen - very hard job quitting like that, also very risky, though i have done it myself, many times, i like you just woke up one day and decided i was sick of drink- i was also diagnosed with depression, which wasnt helping-whether the depression was caused by  the drinking or was influencing my drinking is open to debate, either way i managed to stay sober long enough for the anti-depressants to kick in and i have been sober since 2005- i know what it takes to do what you  are doing and admire you for it- it takes alotof guts and determination- quiting is the easy part-staying sober is the hard part- i had failed many times previously and had been to AA and treatment centres all to no avail- i think you have to reach a point in your own head when you know you have had enough and that no-one else can influence that decision- i wish you the best of luck and once again well done- you should be really proud of yourself-
    • vixxxen222
      vixxxen222 pmcg21

      Posted

      thank you so much for relating. what u say is so TRUE! its all in our own heads what we decide. the point of becoming sick of the drink is just that, being fed up with it. there is definately no fun in it at all. NONE when u are an alcoholic, I love your words!... and I am also finally on medication for depression and anxiety, my first week! hopful as can be ! I feel great at the moment, and I told my oldest girl (14) because shes old enough to discuss this with, that I will not be great everyday, but thats ok, I have the tools to deal with my issues, always have.... but this time hopeful as I am, I can stay away from the drink because it may just be my last, and thats scary enough!

      thank u for your reflections and words smile

  • ten4
    ten4 vixxxen222

    Posted

    Great post, vixen. I'm on a "tapering off" schedule at present.....The diazepam and the zopiclone my GP gave me to help were worse than bl**dy useless, so am doing without them. Hope I do as well as you m8, cheers, Howard, Midlands.
    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 ten4

      Posted

      Howard. I am shocked to hear that you were given diazepam (that is Valium by the way) to REDUCE your alcohol intake. That goes against all medical recommendations.

      Diazepam or Chlordiazepoxide (Librium) are supposed to be given for a detox in which the patient stops drinking completely and uses the medication to control the withdrawal symptoms.

      I have seen many cases where a patient has been given such medication to stop drinking, but given it in such low doses, that it has no effect at all on withdrawal symptoms and that is dangerous.

      While drinking (which prevents decent quality sleep), it is ridiculous to give Zopiclone.

      Good luck with what you are doing, keep going! smile

       

    • vixxxen222
      vixxxen222 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      Wow! I agree there Paul... Valium ?....  holy , I mean really its like a downer too right... so I dont think even I would take it to be honest.

       

    • PaulJTurner1964
      PaulJTurner1964 vixxxen222

      Posted

      Because Diazepam (Valium) can give a bit of a high, Librium is preferred for alcohol detox. Traditionally, both drugs were used for anxiety and, in the 60s and 70s, millions of people were prescribed it for such bizarre reasons as 'they were a bit fed up.' Both drugs are highly addictive and many people ended up stuck on them. Eventually, it was recognised that it was bad practice to give these drugs out in such a way and you see a lot less of them these days. Other medications have come along which relieve anxiety and are much less risky.

      The two drugs are now used for other reasons and are fantastic in certain circumstances. They can be used as pre-meds, before operations as a one-off dose, for status-epilepticus (when a person won't stop fitting) by intra-venous injection and, for alcohol detox (normally Librium for that) in which case, they can be life savers because, prescribed at a sufficiently high dose, they eliminate the risk of serious withdrawal symptoms which can potentially kill a person. Taken for a week or so, there is no risk of addiction. It is only longer term use which causes addiction.

       

    • vixxxen222
      vixxxen222 PaulJTurner1964

      Posted

      My mother, who was born in '59 she is also an alcoholic, badly, she still takes the valium! they are like candy to her, and loves them , for anxiety. or just when shes in a bad mood etc...she will take them to not feel what shes feeling , so yes very addictive and not even relating to trying to stay sober. I love your advice and insight Paul!
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