Relationship anxiety..PLEASE HELP!
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Hi everyone, I wanted to post on here because I have no idea how I’m feeling lately and I’m looking for some answers/relief that I’m not alone. It'll be along post!! I'm sorry.
Some background: I think I have struggled with anxiety my whole life: I'm a worrier to a fault. My dad was in/out of my life when I was younger and fought with my mom all the time. He was diagnosed with cancer and died three months after - I never went to visit until the day before he died and we never really ever repaired our relationship. I never dealt with his death because I didn't really know how to. Fast forward to just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life.
I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.
Until about two weeks ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.
I have talked to him about it. I couldn't live with feeling like I was keeping a secret from him. He, amazingly, didn't go running. He told me that he knows I love him and that he's going to be right here while I work this out. That was so important to me.
I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, and while I used to love doing my makeup every day it now just sits there. I just don't really feel warm and fuzzy feelings of love anymore.
I feel truly disconnected from the world. I see people laughing and smiling and hanging out with their friends and I can’t ever imagine myself being happy like that again. I am constantly upset and ruminating over how I feel about my boyfriend – I just want to feel those feelings of love again. While we used to spend hours talking about getting married and moving in, which I KNOW I wanted more than anything, I can’t see myself that far in life. I feel stuck here, perpetuating in this hopelessness.
Recently, it has gotten a bit better. I have an appetite back, somewhat. I still wake up everyday with this crushing anxiety and pit in my stomach. This past weekend was a good one. I took the weekend off of school and went home to be with my family. On saturday I started to feel like my normal self again, which I felt guilty for because my boyfriend wasn't around but I had been talking to him all day. So I tell myself it's not like I felt better with him not in my life, because I still had the urge to talk to him all the time. On sunday I felt good too, and my boyfriend came home to visit my family and I. What a good day! Went to lunch with my mom and him and felt normal. Well almost, there were still some pangs of intrusive thoughts but I kept them at bay and just enjoyed the time. We drove an hour and a half back to school together and sang in the car, and I almost felt normal again and it was SO wonderful.
On the way back up to school we had to stop and visit a distant family member of his who was in hospice. I didn't actually go inside, as this was the same place my dad was in hospice years ago before he died, and I knew that going in would just throw me off the good feelings I had. My bf had no problem with this and totally understood. Then later that night, everything began to slip again.
The next day (monday/yesterday), I spent all day obsessing over whether or not I found other guys attractive. I kept looking at every guy walking by, and when I did I KNEW I wasn't attracted to them in the way I was to my boyfriend but I just had to keep checking. I felt like if I did see someone attractive then I must not he attracted to my boyfriend and I had to leave him. I know this isn't true because I know attraction is much more than purely physical. Before all of this, I could recognize that someone was attractive and then let the thought go. Now it makes me feel guilty.
And last night/today I just feel so utterly detatched again. I have had bad anxiety over this time period. I suddenly have this voice in my head saying "do you really want to feel the same way about him again?" and it is driving me insane. I KNOW I don't want to leave him and I KNOW we're meant to be together. But literally I feel like it's just gotten worse all of a sudden. Now I'm just totally numb, and this whole "you don't want to feel the same way about him anymore" is just ruminating in my head over and over again, causing anxiety. I can't separate that from anxiety or if that's truly how I feel. It is torturing me. I’ve also weirdly been plagued with random thoughts of my ex boyfriend from literally 5 years ago. He was abusive, possessive, and not a good person. I KNOW that I do not want to be with him again, I have no desire to contact him or anything of the sort. But for some reason he will pop into my head (this has only been happening as of today) and I OBSESS over it. It makes me think I don’t love my boyfriend but I DO. I know that my current boyfriend is the person I am meant to be with. I’m afraid that my anxiety is making this all up and it’s going to make me think I want to be with my ex but I know I don’t. I’m afraid I’m going to think of him constantly - when I’m with my boyfriend, kissing him, sex, etc. That thought terrifies me to my core. Once again, if this ex ever used to pop into my head I’d be able to just kind of let the thought go and it never made me panic or question my love for my boyfriend ever. It was just a thought. I know that it is STILL just a thought, but it has this overwhelming sense of guilt and need to obsess over it now.
I should also add: over the weekend I felt so utterly excited for our spring break trip next week to Canada. Like I couldn't stop looking at all the places we were going to see and things to do. Now I'm back at school and midterm week is in full swing, which means I have a million things to do which is just more added stress. Now, I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin Canada by feeling distant this way. I'm afraid that I'll just want to be alone and not want to get out of bed and just be anxious the whole time.
Do you think this could be me projecting my feelings on to my boyfriend? How could it be that one day I literally just don't feel the same way? I'm constanly battling between "you're projecting your anxiety on to him" and "you think you have anxiety/depression, but you actually just don't love him" and it is driving me CRAZY. I don't want to feel this way anymore, it is torturing me. I just want my old self back, I want to feel my love for him back. Could it be that I am starting to get depressed? I’m afraid that I’m not, I’m just coming to terms with our relationship ending, which I DON’T want!!! Help please!
1 like, 7 replies
jane75220 carli80797
Posted
borderriever carli80797
Posted
It is in some way sad you were unable to relate to your Father on the eve of His Death, you seem not have been able to get any closure. This family Relationship was complex and I can understand you did not know how to talk or relate because of the complex dynamic that must have been around when your Mother and Father were together. You must have had many mixed feelings and these need to be addressed. I would hope you will be able too talk to your Mother and any Siblings or relatives who knew both Mother and Father.
Your boyfriend must be feeling the same when you visited the Hospice earlier on this week. For the young death and its approach can be confusing and upsetting, your feelings are mixed and it is these that need to be addressing.
First serious relationships can be very intense and many can feel do they deserve to feel happy and what if the person is not really for me. The best way through these negative feelings is to enjoy the moment and you will find any doubts should be less pronounced. You need to understand partners in love for the first time have very little to relate to when it comes to earlier partnerships, in your case the first boyfriend was not a nice person and you are looking back upon that and are possibly confused because you are now so very happy.
The relationship between your Father and family left a great deal to be desired and this reflects thrrough your first relationship and shows up as counterproductive, with regard you real loving relationship you have now. For goodness sake you are happy stop thinking so hard, love your Man He has not done any wrong and why look for problems when there is none,
You are at College and believe me when I say I was engaged to my first Love. The Courses I was on where Engineering and Radio Operator for the Royal Merchant Navy in the UK. Trying to control and fulfill a relationship when taking Examinations was so very hard for both of us, She was a Technician in a Hospital and Her examinations like mine where all to do with the Sciences and Mathematics, I was failing badly and eventually my parents saw a crack and split us up. What I am saying is be willing to compramise, when it comes to studying, always trust eachother. Your future for you both is bright and loving, be very happy and let your relationship together grow and bloom.
It seems you are both faithful and in love, remember that, you are both very lucky.
Many will be envious of you both, enjoy and trust
Keep a hold
BOB
nina72226 carli80797
Posted
Carli , I can't explain to you enough how much I relate to your post. I suffer from such bad anxiety! Same exact thing happened to me , I SWORE I had a brain tumor , ended up getting a cat scan to prove it to me that i was fine. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is the absolute love of my life ; and just like you said about the thoughts of an ex! Those thoughts make me so anxious that I don't love my boyfriend but I know I do !!! I feel like it's not even my own thoughts. Please take my word I understand you. You are fine. It passes I promise. I search google for answers and you know what I told myself , stop searching for answers. Anxiety has no right answer. I made an account just to answer you & tell you that you are NOT alone!! I read your post and felt relived I wasn't the only person thinking that I was going crazy. Anxiety effects you more than you now. The one thing that has helped me was exercise daily! Just an hour a day ; I promise you it makes a difference. Be happy! Don't focus on those thoughts ; there not true. Anxiety tries to steal your happiness at your lowest point ; you are strong !
beth78094 carli80797
Posted
Have you spoken to anyone about your anxiety or depression? I don't have enough knowledge to help you assess what's going on here, but a whole lot of those symptoms sound like classic depression. Including not connecting with people and feeling numb. Let someone help you out here. I totally understand why you are feeling anxious about these feelings, and I think having a professional help you would be useful. They may day this looks like depression, and all the anxiety you have about what this means about your relationship is something you can work on letting go of. Especially given that you said you didn't really deal with your father's death - I wad in a mild depression for several years after I didn't lethink myself grieve a breakup. That can definitely trigger depression. Good luck. <3
kaitlyn29755 carli80797
Posted
beth03679 carli80797
Posted
-worrying about not having feelings is a sign that you care. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be worried about your lack of feelings.
-remind yourself that you do care and you do like him. When these intrusive thoughts strike, you need to ‘attack’ back, when you think ‘oh s**t, do I love him?’, try and say out loud ‘I’m being so silly, of course I love him, this is what I like about him...’ etc
-remember that even people who don’t suffer anxiety get these thoughts. I discussed this with my parents who said they went through this and broke up, and a week later, that space apart showed them how they really feel, and they ended up back together. Don’t be scared of having g some time away from eachother to try and understand your emotions
-and finally, remember to love yourself first. If you have any doubt in your own self and personality at all, these thoughts can knock you down far more. remind yourself daily what you like about yourself, what you think is the best thing about you, and equally what you like about your boyfriend. These smaller constant reminds can help to stop how you feel.
All in all, it’s also important to let these things just happen. No perfect relationship will have no doubts on the occasions, but as long as you can remind yourself what you really are in it for, these will begin to subside.
Hope this helps x
racheld1975 carli80797
Posted
Look up depersonalization...I think that is probably what you have been experiencing. You need to talk to your doctor or psychiatrist or counselor about it. Meds and therapy can help. Anxiety makes us irrational, that is the way it works. We know we don't have a brain tumor because the doctor tested us and told us we don't but when that next headache hits anxiety makes us ask but what if the doctor missed it? Not rational, especially if you have gotten a 2nd opinion, or in my case hundreds of opinions about whether or not I'm having a heart attack because my anxiety manifests into all the signs and symptoms. I've even had a heart cath and was given the all clear but every time I have chest pains, anxiety makes me thing but what if they missed something. I think if you are able to get into regular counseling it will help you with the symptoms you are experiencing. I was in therapy and on meds for years and felt much better but currently cannot afford medical care and/or insurance. Good luck to you, hang in there!