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Hello all, my first post!
Growing up I have managed to drop some of my worries naturally by getting older but the only thing that is ruining my life, and has been for around 10 years, is my inability to maintain a relationship!
When I was in my early 20's I could never stay in a relationship, I just felt trapped but put it down too being young and wanting to play the field, which is probably true to a certain point. I did find someone I 'loved' and after about six months ended, I can't really explain why! I just wanted to be single I think...
long story short... I tried to make this relationship work and stay with her but the anxiety was that bad I lost the plot! I forgot that I just wanted to be single and developed this 'what's wrong with and relationships' mindset. I seemed to develop a relationship problem.
after this relationship ended I was then very very nervous and reluctant to enter into any new relationship at all in case I felt the same lows and anxiety that I did with the above! It got that bad that I would arrange to go on a date with a girl but have to cancel due to the anxiety getting so bad... It got to the point where I wouldn't even go on the date because of the anxiety at committing to a date!
anyway.... Now that I'm 36 and have developed a full on relationship problem, I have realised that after all my life of pushing people away I do actually want to be with someone. Due to this I started seeing a therapist so I can try and fix myself. She has confirm that I have an intimacy disorder due to childhood trauma (I stumbled across a murder scene aged 11), and my parents relationship was very volatile! These have both made me subconsciously see relationships as bad... So I have been informed.
At the moment I feel like I will never be able to get over this and the thought of being alone and anxious at the thought of being with a woman is worrying... I mean if you can't be with someone what's the point?
sorry for the ramble but I didn't know wher to start
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