Reliving childhood trauma

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Im hoping someone can help me.. i guess ive repressed a sexual assult from childhood and my teenage years..i suffer from bipolar and depression being treated with medication. Last year i had a break down and started having flash backs.. remembered that my cousin had sexually assulted me when i was about 5 or 6. We were in the basement playing and he started doing things.. then when i was 14 my boyfriend at the time was in jail so his best friend was supoosed to take me to see him.. he told me he had to run home and get hjs wallet and i has to use the restroom so i ran inside with him. I went in and used the restroom and when i walked out of the bathroom he threw me on the bed and startes tearing my clothes off.. i cried and begged him not to do it. The only way i got him to stop qas to tell him that i would tell my boyfriend but it wasnt before he penetrated me..i pushed all of this away. I didnt remember any of it until this break down.. had anyone else experince this kind of repression? Is it even possible?? It is really messing with me.. i keep remembering more and more the more depressed i get.. i remember the smell of the rooms little details. Can anyone help me?

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  • Posted

    Jessica, you've just reminded ne why I went to Rape Crisis. Please ask for help, these people do help or a sexual violence counsellor. I think you have PTSD and need help you poor girl, so sorry to hear stories like this you've made me cry! Let me know how you get on.x

    • Posted

      I believe it is possible. I recently found out someone very close to me was sexually abused by an older cousin for years between the ages of 8 to 12. She repressed it for years. So much so, that even some good memories from around that time were blocked out as well. I spent nearly everyday with her and never knew she had gone through something like that. About two years ago something triggered her. A lot of the memories came flooding back all at once. She is still having some unwanted memories come back, and like you, certain smells or even songs will remind her.

      She has since gone to therapy and is getting better each day. There is hope, and I agree with Sam that you may have PTSD. You should seek help for that so you can learn to cope and heal from what has happened :]

    • Posted

      Hi Amanda, it's Sam again, I thought I'd get back to you after seeing the other lady's post on here to say I have finally got specific help for my PTSD a bit apprehensive but think it will be ok, well I hope it will as I'm getting a bit fed up now and just want to be able to sleep at night without the flashbacks!

    • Posted

      That's great that you're getting help specifically for PTSD! There are so many symptoms that are similar to other mental illnesses that it can get overlooked, especially if a person isn't ready to talk about it. I've been reading so much about PTSD and childhood trauma and the information is very positive in regard to recovery, so stay strong!

      My husband, who also suffers from PTSD, was prescribed medication for nightmares. Who knew there was such a thing? He says they work well for him. I know flashbacks are different, but at least there is hope of relief from nightmares so you can at least sleep.

      You CAN do this!

  • Posted

    Hello Jessica

    I meant to join the discussion last week but I had a very difficult time and my memory and concentration was extremely bad. I have also read Amanda's situation and I plan to enter the discussion with her too when I'm somewhat better. I have to deal with my illness a day at a time.

    I suffer bi-polar as well; it's cyclothemia but sometimes I feel it's bi-polar two. This illness alone is classed by my doctor as "severely disabling" in my case. I have other mental health problems too including PTSD.

    Childhood is so important Jessica as you know yourself. There is a lot of truth in saying that the first 7 years of life are the most significant of all.

    I had a most horrible childhood. For a start my father was  a paranoid schizophrenic and when he died in 1998 my brother and I showed no grief. But

    I thank the Lord that my mother's genes are extremely healthy, both physically and mentally. She is 94, and a Christian, and her sister is 97 this month. When shopping they both run in town and other places.  So many people contact me because they cannot believe their eyes. I 'm unable to catch them up -

     and her sister smokes at least 30 cigarettes a day! Beat that!

    Unlike my brother, I was a very hyperactive as a child. Most of the time I was a shy and confused boy. I first saw a psychiatrist when i was 6 years old. My teenage years were even worse.

    Looking back, I can see that I began suffering depression when I was around 12 to 13 years old. But of course at that time I knew nothing about depression. I was totally helpless. At 18 i tried to commit suicide but it was unsuccessful. I tried a second time and as a result i was sectioned under the Mental Health Act UK.

    I had a terrible psychotic breakdown then, and it was at this time that I first received ECT. I could go into great detail about many things but I will leave it for a later date. Suffice it to say that i suffered decades of horrendous depression and anxiety. I would not like anyone to go through with what I encountered. So cruel!

    Comming back to you Jessica, I can see that some of your childhood and teenage years were awful too. The two separate historic sexual crimes must have been exceedingly terrible to cope with. And of course these matters are on-going in your mind. i think that you have been very brave to even relate about what happened to you. Dreadful!

    I was sexually assaulted in my teens too and it greatly added to my mental health problems. My mind was already fragile and this crime was the last straw type of thing. It was an attempted male rape by a 50 year old. What troubled me most was the fact that i didn't see it coming,  I was off guard because of my other mental health issues. It has scarred me for life.

    In your case, PTSD didn't seem to arise until a few years later, but you must have been mentally burdened in the sub- conscious. With PTSD a lot of patients exibit  delayed issues. I am one of them!

    I have two traumas but the second one did not surface fully until about 4 years later. It was a murder case and when the trauma finally erupted I had another mental breakdown.  You see Jesica you are not alone, and it's good that you have been able to speak about it in these discussions.

    I do not know if you have approached anyone for help but I feel you need to do this as soon as possible. You can have help with PTSD although it differs from case to case. Perhaps you would be best if you to talk to a female professional. This can easily be arranged.

    I assume that you are still under a psychiatrist for your bi-polar alone. Can you go to see this present doctor? You say that you take meds which I feel is very necessary in your case. Are there any bad side effects?  Any other psychiatric problems?

    The fact that you cannot recall certain important issues is most disturbing. I'm not trying to scare you in any way but you need added professional help.(Not necessarly medication)

    It seems that last year was a triggering moment for recalling childhood trauma, and it  must be very hard to deal with day in and day out. Your mind is under much pressure with bi-polar alone so i would urge you to seek medical advice and help.

    I was intending to write more but i'm afraid that my concentration is getting worse at the moment. do keep up with other people's posts. They will no doubt be of some benefit.

    Every Blessing




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