Remembering

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Hi Everyone,

I hope everyone has managed to have some enjoyment from Christmas, whether it was much needed rest, understanding from family or friends, a good social occasion, lovely food or gifts or just the relief of it all being over for another year!

I have found myself recently  remembering things from my past which have not crossed my mind in many years.  Perhaps I blocked them out or maybe passing days and other happenings pushed them from my mind.  It has been both distressing and delightful to revisit these things.  People I spent time with who are no longer with us and others who are no longer in my life.  I have recalled incidents and events which brought comfort, joy, excitement and other which caused despair, pain and desolation.  I can find no real reason for all this to be foremost in my mind of late...it is almost as if I am taking a reckoning of my life.  There is nothing sinister in this as far as my present health or situation is concerned yet I wonder if perhaps, at last, I am starting to look at the past to explain the present.  I have been offered CBT but declined when I was told that it would be six sessions maximum and I felt that I would just have time to start opening wounds with no time to analyse and accept, never mind heal.  I think it may be time to find some way to access such a service again.  Has anyone else found themself picking over the past quite out of the blue and is there any reason for it happening now?  Any thoughts would be welcome.

Linda 

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi Linda, Yes,I have that too, its so strange hey- its feels almost like having a life review- but while still alive, if that makes sense. Maybe we are lucky in that respect-we can look back and remember the good and the bad and then hopefully move forward? xx  
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    • Posted

      Hi Flower,

      Yes, you have managed to say in a few words what it took me practically an essay to write!  As I said below to Elliebee, I think I have reached the end of the final chapter in my "before" life.  It feels like a great weight off my shoulders and that has surprised me after fighting so long to hold onto at least a fragment of it.

      Linda

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  • Posted

    Hi 

    yes, I find this happens occasionally, particularly if I'm in recovery mode, the worst of a crash over but resting to recuperate. I've had a few nasty life experiences and went into therapy and counselling a couple of times, and found it extremely helpful but also incredibly hard work. As you say, you need to be willing to examine painful things, accept the possibility of opening up old wounds to let them heal again and so on. I've decided not to go down the therapy route for this diagnosis, and instead to learn to meditate using mindfulness. I think it's best for me if I can learn to accept memories that might pop up and think 'oh, interesting' and let them drift past instead of going over them, or fixating on them, while being firmly fixed in the here and now. I'm only a couple of ekes into the course but find it really useful and I've even managed to do the twice daily practice every day - usually the novelty has worn off by now wink 

    Best wishes,

    ellie

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    • Posted

      Hi Elliebee,

      Can you tell me where and with whom you are doing this mindfulness meditation?  I think that may be a good route for me too.  As you might guess by my prolific posting recently, I have decided to take charge of my health again after spending a year just accepting and medicating.  I have been ill for 7 1/2 years and it has been a long and exhausting journey.  It took me about 3 years to accept that I will never have the life I had before becoming ill, even if I get completely well again.  I have grieved for the loss of the person I was and the life I had and that in itself was a long process.  Meanwhile I had several serious traumas to deal with including the deaths of my mother and brother to cancer and a close niece to suicide all in an 18month period.  I have been trying to hang onto my house but finally accepted over the past few days that I can no longer do so and that it will need to be sold.  Also, that I will see none of the residual from the sale due to the incredible amount of debt that I have accrued in the past 7 years.  I can't believe the relief I feel that I will no longer need to fight and scheme to hold onto it.  Now I just need to accept that all I have worked for is finally gone and I need to start from scratch again.  You know, I think I may have explained my "remembering" of late as I close the door on all that has gone before, at last, and try to live each day instead of just existing and hopefully find the motivation to move forward in my "new" life.  Mmmm.....

      Linda

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    • Posted

      Oh Linda, so many similarities here!  The problem of readjustment is enormous, and I spent six weeks on sick leave at the end of last year sitting on my couch crying in grief but also anger at what was happening to me, frustration at my useless painful body, terrifed about what is going to happen next...I worked full time when I took ill, and many  people said not to get too bound up in clinging to my job, that I had to be prepared for the possibility of not working.  I rejected that, decided I would give up *everything* else to be able to work (I only just finished my PhD two years ago, after going back to study as a mature, lone parent student, fought and workd and battled through ten years to achieve my goals, had just landed my  dream job based on my thesis and...got horribly sick.  But I have decided that fighting is going to be no good (in the sense of pushing through) so I need to find a way to cope with whatever comes as best I can.  Mindfulness seems the best option as it's not about dismissing difficult feelings or pretending everything is alright, but about living with them, coping with them.  When I was at the homeopathic hospital the nurse recommended a book called Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World.  It comes with a cd (or an audio download, if you get the e-book/kindle version), which talks you through each of eight exercises.  It's an eight week course you do yourself, in your own time.  I can't reliably get to a class, so it works brilliantly for me.  There's a chapter to read then some exercises you do each day for a week.  The first week was about awareness of breath, this week it's learning to do a body scan.  But there are other little exercises to do, to learn to look at things differently - last week was to sit in a different chair, either in a meeting or a cafe, that you normally would.  Well I don't go to regular meetings or go to cafes much, so I moved from the comfort of my couch onto the armchair!  

      I can't remember how much it cost, but it is significantly cheaper than a class anyway.  

      I'm so sorry to hear about your house.  This is awful.  Do you have support in terms of money advice?  I saw an adviser on Monday now that I've dropped to part time hours, and I cannot afford to keep paying all my debts off on this income.  She was fantastic, and they're held in abeyance for six months to see how my illness goes...maybe I'll get back to full time.  But if not, she'll take it from there, there are options.  I rent my home, though was planning to buy it from my landlord (a friend) this year.  That will have to be put to one side for now.

      I am coming to terms with the fact that I may not be able to keep my job, but I'm trying to keep a detailed journal of my daily health so that I can spot patterns, and things I might do differently, things that help, and things that don't.  Fingers crossed.....

      El x

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    • Posted

      Thanks for this reply El, i am going to go through it and reply properly after I have rested I'm flagging badly now after a very active couple of days.  I just wanted to ask now which homeopathic hospital you went to.  Is it Glasgow by any chance?  That is where I go.

      Linda

       

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