Request for Prayers, Light, Kind Thoughts: My Mind is Playing Tricks

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I am terrified of being put in a nursing home.

My muscles are shrinking day by day, I look like I am walking on sticks. I am tiny in a very unhealthy way. Soon I will not be able to get up from sitting, or feed myself (that's what the doc says), I could choke on food, get pneumonia and die, but if they find me, they will save me . . . NO GOD PLEASE DON'T LET THEM SAVE ME!

I want so much to beleive that the doctors are all wrong, they have been wrong so many times in my past.  Maybe I don't really have PM (polymyositis). Maybe if I eat well and exercise every day I won't get sicker . . .

dream land? 

I need prayers. I don't know what I want. my mood, gratiude, death without a care facilty. I don't expect healing, although, that would be nice.  But the reality is, I am dying a slow and painful death and I want it to be over with. 

I feel so ashamed for not feeling gateful. i am hurt and angry. 

thanks for listening. 

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9 Replies

  • Posted

    hi dee

    so sorry to hear what you are going through!!!!

    do you have any friends or family close by? dont suffer alone!!!

    are you in uk? 

    helen xx

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    • Posted

      Ho Helen,

      My head is fuzzy, i hope this makes sense.

      no fam, no good friends. not lived here long (Washinton State in the US), and have been sick since living here.

      It's so hard to make friends when old and sick.  I've tired, but I am too tired to maintain them.

      I have Celiacs and can not go out with them to eat, if i do i have to call the restaurant first to see if they mind me bringing in my own food. When I do, everyone looks at me like I am strange, they ask me too many questions about what I am eating and why, that it takes all the fun out of going out to eat.  Plus the muscle disease keeps me from having energy. 

      in my perfect world, there would be celiac safe, very strict, gluten free restaurants laws. In the US, they have "gluten free" menus but if you have CD,  there will likely be cross contamination. 

      My brain does not have the energy to have long lovely conversations with folks, because i often drift off . . . thinking about how much my bed is calling me. Gawd this exhaustion is killing me!  

      Thanks for writing. I am sorry I am just so whimpy today.  think I will take a nap.

      thanks again,

      D

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    • Posted

      oh bless you dee...

      thinking about you...try to stay strong....wish you were in uk ...you need some good support around you...

      you get some sleep and please keep us posted on how you are feeling...good or bad

      take care

      hxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Dee..don't give up whatever you do be strong have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ..

    I am going through much myself right now & I am in my mid 50's & I was told I have CRPS that has attacked my joints in my knees with other issue related & I have to use a walker always..my legs & knees are very weak & yes I have lost muscle as well but yet I am getting around being I am trusting in the Lord keeping the fauth that one day I will be healed.

    I want you to know I will be praying for you much you will be in my prayers though see about having family anyone within that can help you out getting around if you don't have any family that can I suggest you go around to local churches & ask a pastor that you are needing help if need be go to other Christian churches to you find a pastor will help you with your problems.there are good churches out there that will help you.I hope I had offered you some good advice & will be praying for you..please don't think life is over for you because it is not at all..we all go through trials of health issues even as I said I am as well..it will get better just keep faith in the Lord talk to Him you won't be let down..God bless you very much...

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    • Posted

      thank you E1960. I did contact a church down the road, but have heard nothing. The Mormon's down the road are always coming by, next time they come and offer to help I will let them. 

      thanks for you prayers

       

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  • Posted

    wher are you based dee? are you in uk?

    xx

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    • Posted

      US Washington State, far northwest corner of the USA, 6 to 8 hours from Canada. 

      I finally got some news, ALL my passed medical expences have been waved and for the next 6 months will be 100% covered. Thank you all you Catholics. Guess its a sign, I will keep trugging along.  

      My doc said she discuss Hospice with me after all the test have come in.

      Thank you Kittylamb,

      C  

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  • Posted

    Dee,

    Get a local newspaper and read it everyday. You will find a way to connect with someone in your area, if not, you will be able to hold a conversation with the people you do meet. The mental battle is the hardest, we can quickly lose our focus to only our own battles, it is isolating.

    Reach out kiddo, Gid is in the eyes of your neighbor looking back at you.

    Huggers, jill

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  • Posted

    The myo root means muscle, and the itis root means inflammation; so a myositis is an inflammatory muscle disease. Add the prefix poly which means many and we have...

    Polymyositis (pol-e-my-o-SY-tis) is an uncommon inflammatory disease that causes muscle weakness affecting both sides of your body. Polymyositis can make it difficult to climb stairs, rise from a seated position, lift objects or reach overhead.

    While no proper cure for polymyositis exists, treatment — ranging from medications to physical therapy — can improve muscle strength and function.

    PM can lead to great discomfort for at a period of time that feels like forever when you are going through a flare. But for the most part PM conditions aren’t life-threatening. In fact, many people recover partially or completely from PM.

    So Dee, are you so very overwhelmed

    by your diagnosis that you just can not see better days right now or did the doc tell you something diifferent?

    I absolutely agree with you that you should be sad and mad and angry and overwhelmed and fearful and like you just want to go to bed and pull the covers over your head and cry...it is okay to cry.

    I hear your pain. I have been in that same bed.

    Go have some ultra chocolate ice cream, take a nice shower, put some stink pretty on, get a good nights sleep, and you and I will have a goog giggle about it tomorrow...and then we will get down toi the business of living well despite having a damnable disease.

    more hugs

    judith

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