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I am terrified of being put in a nursing home.
My muscles are shrinking day by day, I look like I am walking on sticks. I am tiny in a very unhealthy way. Soon I will not be able to get up from sitting, or feed myself (that's what the doc says), I could choke on food, get pneumonia and die, but if they find me, they will save me . . . NO GOD PLEASE DON'T LET THEM SAVE ME!
I want so much to beleive that the doctors are all wrong, they have been wrong so many times in my past. Maybe I don't really have PM (polymyositis). Maybe if I eat well and exercise every day I won't get sicker . . .
I need prayers. I don't know what I want. my mood, gratiude, death without a care facilty. I don't expect healing, although, that would be nice. But the reality is, I am dying a slow and painful death and I want it to be over with.
I feel so ashamed for not feeling gateful. i am hurt and angry.
thanks for listening.
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