rested but but at what cost

Posted , 4 users are following.

Use my htcs4 when post on this site, i have no other meens? Even nowo,m having trouble as the words seem to stick as i write? Anyhoo to anyone who takes the time to read this please be understanding. I will later read the posts i sent yesterday but for now i wish to apologise. The answer or solution to problems will not be Found in the demon drink? Believe me i know of what i speak. Yesterday i was on a mission of send destruction, sleep i needed and sleep i got but at what cost? I dont meen financial i meen self worth or now selfloathing as it May be. I have been many things in my life and an alcoholic is not one of them although i find i have a problem stopping only once i start? The more i drink the more i think, the more i think the more i drink and the cycle begins, i have no hangover but regrets are creaping around my mind "my my do i bite" but thats the cost i have to pay to hold on to sanity. I get lorazapam, zopñicone, tramadol and veneloxine? Yes if take them i sleep but sleep should be more than the closing of ones eyes and inactivity of the brain, i need to dream, good dreams bad dreams memories regrets, dreams are what i crave yet my selfish act of getting drunk did not produce the desired effect but turned me into a jibbering idiot and here i am 4 in the morning awake again and my Palm starts over. My respite was brief and unrewarding but i wont need sleep again now for days, and thats how i cope. Sad but true. The cost of my existance.

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10 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi David pleased your awake and feeling rested x.  Now your apologise ing ??this is exactly what the bottle does to you. I can't count the number of times one used to wake up and think????who do I need to say I'm sorry to???? I'll never do it again!!!! But you do!!!! Say it mean it!! Find another way to get rest for your body and mind!!there are ways out there believe me! Now I'm off to rest my mind and body! A good walk in the fresh air!!look up at the not so bright sky!watch the sun rise! Watch the swan still nesting with no results!!!!waiting for her babies that won't arrive this year ! Been nesting to long! but still a patient mummy!!!no one around. So peacefull!!!!mother nature!!!!look out for these things david!!!!!!life goes on no matter whatxxx
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    • Posted

      Roberta hun, thank you so much for your post, you are right Ángel, i,m moving on from my negative posts, i never meant to go on about myself and just got sidetracked? All well and good now i,m focused again. Hope all is well with you. Thank you for everything.
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    • Posted

      Hi roberta, first things first? I said HTC4 was thinking of my old galaxy? Ha, its an HTC1, durr? Ha. Anyway over the past half hour or so ive realised i have nothing to contribute ti this site anymore and need to find another , learning from my mistakes made on this Forum i,m sure i can start again and hopefully help others. You are a ray of sunshine in the darkness, a golden child able to bring joy to others. You make me smile and i am so indebted to you. Hope you and all on this site a bright and prosperous future you are all so deserving. Robin my canadian sister if you read this, thank you for everything. Will Miss you guys. Good luck in your journeys, in my heart and thoughts. David. X 
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  • Posted

    as Roberta says, no need to apologise.

    sleep is good.

    going for a leisurely walk in a park is good.

    gardening is good.

    try them. and above all be kind to yourself.

    good luck

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  • Posted

    Good morning, David!

    It is 7:30 in the morning here in Montreal on this bright, sunny day. And I'm sure on your side of the pond, things look far less bleak for you than they did yesterday. We all have our demons. We have all made mistakes we regret. But we have to move forward, not look back constantly. If you were walking along a path, which direction would you look in? If you look back constantly, you will fall. Look towards the future. This may frighten you but it's far better and more constructive to look in that direction, don't you think, David?

    The first step is acknowledging that you have a problem and that you do need help. There are very painful things that have happened in your life that make you want to escape. It may be PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder) that needs dealing with.

    The NHS has a program called Turning Point which you may have heard of. They are very kind and very supportive and understanding of people who are there to help people cope with life's problems. You are not alone. They offer counselling including self-help groups and cognitive behavioural therapy. And they offer medications. Google 'turning point' and then click on 'misuse'.

    On this NHS site there is a little 5 minute video 'David's Story' that I think you should watch and that will hopefully inspire you. Your story is not exactly David's but no one's story is the same.  He went to Turning Point and turned his life around completely. If you google the following you will come upon David's story: UK NHS alcohol misuse.  At least watch his story. I am sure you can identify with some of it and maybe, just maybe seek help. 

    Important suggestion:  I would go to a library on a proper computer rather than watching it on your phone. It may make the difference between getting the help you need and continuing on your downward, self destructive spiral. 

    Of course, it is up to you whether you want to move forward or wallow in the past..(dont' mean to be harsh but 'wallow' is the perfect word.)  

    We will all be rejoicing if you take that first step in moving forward on the path of life. You are only 50 years old. You have potentially 30 more years to live on this earth. You don't have to be a Martin Luther King. But you can be the best David that you can possibly be. I am sure that is what your sister would have wanted for you. To honour her memory, and to make yourself proud, take that one step and contact Turning Point. Don't be discouraged if it requires a call back or leaving a message. Put one foot in front of the other and you WILL make it, David.

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    • Posted

      Hi my dear robin, Sorry for the delay in replying i spent the night reading, "no sleep" this is the second msg ive read today and you are echoing the kind words of callamite and i know you are right. Thank you. Weather here is far from the vestigio weather you have over there hun but still it is bright, sun not so shiny but its dry. Yes hun, so glad i Found this site but i got lost a tad and went on about myself far too much, i wish i could take it all back. I know i am deep and think too much about things, i cannot switch that part of myself off but i certainly can control what i write and i will do so in future. So many kind and caring people on this site and i have many responses to reply too. Youre a diamond hun. Thanks again, your english friend David.
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    • Posted

      Hi Robin, it's great to hear such great positive feedback.... I can tell you are a survivor . I was so negative when I drank' poor me, pour me another..

      Today I try to be as positive as I can and yes today I can't afford to live in the past...

      Look back, but don't stare....

      Thankyou Robin so much

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  • Posted

    Bless you, know how you feel my friend? I hav'nt touched alcohol for more years than I care to remember. I hope to never touch the poison again, but although time has been far from a drink , I never know how close I am either? I'll  look back at where alcohol changed me and made me think I could do anything, it also made me think irrationally and lie'.... How I've always hated liars and lying. I look back alright', but I don't stare.... Just need to be reminded of where drink took me and it would take me to worse if I ever drank again.... It's nice to wake up with a full memory's and not feeling remorse when I remembered last nite?  Not counting the pennies to see if its vodka or cider today? I'm a woman but we all do the same when we pick up and drink a legalised poison...... You say you are not an alcoholic my friend? Do yourself a favour just quit now? If you are not an alcoholic which no one has that right to call you only yourself. You won't find it any problem x
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    • Posted

      Thanks reggie hun, youre right although i am writing this post yet again from the garden of a public house? I woke up full of regrets of being drunk yest but woke up after little more than 2 hours sleep and being awake since 11 oclk lastnight made my night and day seem eternal and i longed to escape the misery? I started off 8 oclk this morn in our pub sitting with our usual regulars but only drinking juice, by 11 i had my first pint and been on them since? I,m not drunk so happy i,m able to reply and your post has hit home, so glad i checked this site as was about to go on jack daniels, instead, because of your kind and right words i,ll leave in a mo and go home? Thanks hun. Woke me up.
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