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Hi everyone, I wanted to post on here because I have no idea how I’m feeling lately and I’m looking for some answers/relief that I’m not alone. It'll be along post!! I'm sorry.
Some background: Starting just after Christmas this year, I have really struggled with health anxiety stemming from problems that did not really exist. I thought I had a brain tumor and spent every moment trying to convince myself I didn't. I took two trips to the ER during that period, where they told me that I had a pinched nerve and on the other trip, an anxiety induced migraine. Things have calmed down since I have been to a doctor and she told me I don't have a tumor. Then recently, I had a sensitive tooth and I couldn't help but think it was infected and I HAD to go to the dentist that day - or else the infection would reach my blood and I would die. I know this sounds nuts, but I'm just trying to give you a picture of my life.
I am 20 and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 4 years. I can't tell you how wonderful he is. He is kind, smart, funny, and comes from an amazing family that I love so much. Our love has always been stable and strong; he is my rock and my very best friend in life. We have the same goals and values, and I know that I want to have a family and future with him. We don't have giant arguments - we are really good at communicating and working out any problems we might have had. I've never once questioned us.
Until about a month ago, when I literally woke up and felt nothing. This is the scariest feeling in the world. I went from absolutely ADORING him, to feeling nothing. It has given me such bad anxiety the past few days to where I can't eat or sleep really. I pace around my house obsessively, thinking about every little thing about us. I feel pangs of guilt anytime that he does anything sweet because he loves me SO much and I feel like suddenly, I can't reciprocate that. I've struggled with the question, "Am I still in love with him?" and it has broken my heart to even ask myself that. I feel so guilty. I don't want to leave him, and I don't ever think about what it would be like to be with anyone else. It makes me anxious to be around him because I'm constantly overanalyzing everything to see if I feel the same way, and to not be around him because I just keep overthinking.
I have talked to him about it. I couldn't live with feeling like I was keeping a secret from him. He, amazingly, didn't go running. He told me that he knows I love him and that he's going to be right here while I work this out. That was so important to me.
Recently, it has gotten a bit better. I have an appetite back, somewhat. I still wake up everyday with this crushing anxiety and pit in my stomach. I want him to be around me, and when we’re together we laugh and I enjoy his company. Then there would be pangs - intrusive, dark thoughts - that I loved him, but wasn't in love with him. I look at pictures of us, read our old texts, and know that that I AM in love with him. I knew it literally a few weeks ago. We've been together for years so it hasn't been fireworks for awhile, but he is my very best friend and I loved him on a deeper level.
I'm a college student, and lately I don't have the motivation to do my work. I used to be outgoing and ambitious, but now I feel like doing the bare minimum to graduate. I am so anxious that I won't actually get into law school and will embarrass myself because of that. I kind of feel like I'm always waiting for the next thing to come along and that I'm just sort of... existing. I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, and while I used to love doing my makeup every day it now just sits there. I just don't really feel warm and fuzzy feelings of love anymore.
I feel truly disconnected from the world. I see people laughing and smiling and hanging out with their friends and I can’t ever imagine myself being happy like that again. I am constantly upset and ruminating over how I feel about my boyfriend – I just want to feel those feelings of love again. While we used to spend hours talking about getting married and moving in, which I KNOW I wanted more than anything, I can’t see myself that far in life. I feel stuck here, perpetuating in this hopelessness.
My latest intrusive thoughts are absolutely overwhelming. At first, they were about my abusive ex boyfriend. My mind would replace everything about my boyfriend with my ex, and it was absolute torture. I would be with my bf and a thought would pop into my head, "would my ex think this is funny? " or "what would my ex think?" The worst part was that I DID NOT want these thoughts! Now, they have changed into the same sort of thoughts, but about a boy in one of my classes. I literally barely know him and to be honest don't even find him that attractive. However, the intrusive thoughts are ridiculous. They say "do you think he finds you attractive? Would he find you funny?" and other random questions like that. Once again, I DO NOT want these thoughts. I've stopped going to class because seeing him triggers things all over again (not heathy, I know). I feel so guilty, like my mind is trying to get me to like someone else but I KNOW on a rational level that I have no desire to be with anyone else. I know that my boyfriend is who I want to be with, but these thoughts are so convincing and are telling me otherwise. I keep thinking that because I don't want to go to class and see him, that MUST mean I like him. Or that because I was thinking about my ex and now him, I MUST not love my boyfriend and want to be with someone else.
I guess I'd just like to know if anyone has had intrusive thoughts like this? How did you deal with them? I am in therapy right now but have just started, and am considering talking to my doctor about medication as well. Any insight/help would be sooo appreciated!
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