Rock bottom

Posted , 5 users are following.

I have had 2 failed operations lost the feeling in my right foot, you have to learn to live with the pain cause there is nothing else apart from tablets to help me. 3 years ago i was told there was nothing else they could do, 2 years ago they took my mobility car away from me and today I admit I have hit rock bottom. I or my 10 year son have no life at all, I dnt go out my house my son has to take hisself to school and unless someone picks me up I don't go out, I've even started drinking, because I can't get out to sign on ( they stopped benefits) I'm in rent arrears, my life has fell apart because I was born with this condition and I tried every route to fix it. I don't no what to do I feel my kids would have a better life without me being a burdenx

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  • Posted

    Hi Sasha74

    Why can't you go out?.....i have pain in my feet and legs but once i have taken pain medication i find i can walk for a while but not too far..i rest a little then start again....as for drinking it sounds strange you can afford drink but not pay off your rent arrears...just offer so much each week i'm sure your landlord would accept...stop the drink and be more positive for your sons sake as well as your own....you really have to stop being negative and sort things out.....people on the various forums are suffering in some way and do the best they can in their situation.....I take it you have AS..you say your benefits stopped 2 years ago and your condition has got worse since then....then you should re-apply for benefit... what do you mean by sign on?..you should get benefit for your child into your bank isn't that what hapoens these days......best wishes....

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    • Posted

      Hi Sasha74

      I do not wish in any way to be negative...i know what depression is believe me....i have been rock bottom......but i got on the positive road and sought help....I also drank..drink is a depressant so you will only add to your depression if you drink.....get up brush yourself down and speak with your doctor first port of call...ask to be referred to an exercise class for your pain..exercise is so good for stiffness, pain and well being.....you may think as i did 'i can't be bothered with that'...but be bothered!..it did me the world of good.....get on a good healthy eating plan for AS.....I was diagnosed with AS because i have the HLA-B27 gene but it turned out I have polymyalgia rheumatica..not all with the AS gene gas AS....you have to think of your children in all this.....you can make a difference if you but try....talk to your landlord and explain your position and offer what you are able to afford and gradually pay off your arrears.....i wish you well and hope that one day soon we shall hear from you in a more positive light....you can do it!!!

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  • Posted

    Very well put, Lilian.  You nailed it.  Sasha, you're options are very limited here.  Your only real option is to find a way to make it work.  I don't know your situation well enough to know exactly how you should do it but two things are abundantly clear.  Drinking yourself into a stupor and/or ending your life are not an option when you have children.  As bad as it is for you, it is equally bad for them.  Now you want to add to their burden by giving them a drunk or a suicide to live with.  That is not acceptable.  You don't mention a spouse so you are what they have and they still love you.  If your situation is as dire as you say then some sort of aid must be available.  Get that aid however you can.  Please let us know what positive steps you are making as you are doing them.  Someone may be able to give you more specific help on this forum as you give more details over time.  Please do what needs to be done for your sake and for their sake.

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    • Posted

      When I said I was drinking I meant just a few a day!! Yesterday was a really bad day for me but I was proud of myself to start using this forum, I felt is was a step forward and your absolutely right about my kids of course they are my life and I was very selfish to even think me not being here would be better for them, they are my world I just get angry with myself cause I can't do the stuff I Did with my 18 and 16 year old with my 10 year old ,life us so much harder x

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  • Posted

    Hi Sasha,

    First, I apologize for my lengthy response. I have troubles shutting up when I'm passionate. I have absolutely been there (my own version of hell.) I hope you can find something helpful in my experience getting out (and getting my kids out, who saw it all.)

    I'm a single parent with 2 girls (now young adults.). I was in a major depression with severe, crippling pain. A week would pass and I wouldn't go outside, or even downstairs. My life was confined between my bed, the kitchen and bathroom. I drank when I was young; so that wasn't an option. I turned to sugar, fat and Diet Coke! It provided brief pleasure. I realize It doesn't sound as serious, but I couldn't even dress myself or bathe completely, I reached 295 pounds and gained a load of more health problems. I went to a very dark place with my addiction. It was a very grave time.

    My rheumatologist told me changes to make. She was harsh, healthy and fit. I felt judged and that my pain was discounted. I couldn't absorb the "to do" lists people provided me, as the pain was too high.

    One doctor gave me 2 simple suggestions. Somehow I listened that day. The first was try a 12 step meeting for my addiction- go for 30 days. The second was to try walking. It was the beginning of my path to life.

    30 days of 12 step meetings didn't stop my addiction. But I listened and kept going. I learned a great deal about how my food & drinks were making inflammation run rampant. Small changes brought small improvements. It took me time to wean off my toxic food and drinks that were that were feeding the AS beast inside me. (btw, sugar and alcohol are the worst things for a person with AS. They cause tremendous inflammation.)

    As I could barely move I knew I couldn't go for "walks" the way most picture a walk. But I could get to the mailbox. I started there. With a lot of work, I eventually made it to the end of my block. Later, I was strong enough to join gentle pool exercise classes. I couldn't do everything, but I showed up 3 times a week and moved a lot more outside of the pool. The exercise and diet path brought years of feeling the best I ever felt in my life.

    I've heard so many stories of quick, miraculous recoveries... I was happy for them, but I couldn't make it work. My recovery was slow. Often 1 step forward, 2 steps back. The depression and pain lifted with the changes; combined with several doctors working together prescribing serious meds to pull me out.

    My finances also recovered along the way. I was looking at loosing everything and being out on the street. (Where I live they take your kids if you're homeless.) I'm very proud and independent. I couldn't do it myself. I had help and was very surprised by the charity organizations and government policies available. In 2 years I regained financial strength as well.

    So, after my long winded story (I hope you're still reading! wink... My point is that things can change. Life can again be joyful. And there are others who can help. For me, it took that first step, then the next. Sometimes it was frustrating and difficult-just as life can be. I made small attainable goals along the way. When I had no hope, others gave me theirs.

    I was told there was nothing more that could be done. It turned out they meant was there were no more meds to try. There was quite a lot more that could be done! (And still more.)

    I wish you and your son happy and healthy times. I am happy to talk more. You can always send me a private message.

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  • Posted

    Sasha,

    ?  This disease is a nasty son of a $#$#@.  Getting frustrated is 100% understandable and no one is going to judge you for giving in to the frustration from time to time.  You're only human.  My personal opinion though is that it is a short walk from mouthing the words to doing the deed so as hard as it is, I think we need to try to stay positive. 

    ?  You are right to take pride in making small steps like reaching out to the forum.  It's wonderful that you can talk about it and there are many people on this forum that are very willing to talk even when that seems like such a small small thing.  Remember too that the people here are not professional therapists.  Sometimes what may seem like encouragement to one of us comes across wrong and sounds like criticism.  Nobody wants to see you do anything that will hurt yourself further or hurt your family.  Intentions are good even if and when the technique may not be so good.  We don't want you to stumble and do something you will regret.  Hang in there!!

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