Sad and confused!

I came to this forum because I have been looking on the net trying to find some solace!

On monday the 9/06/2014 I had this blister on my mouth that came out of nowhere. A couple of minutes earlier I was totally fine and suddenly I could feel there was a swell on my lower lip. I didn't think too much about it. Later in the evening when my husband came home, I showed it to him non-chalantly and I can remember laughing and smoothing the wrinkle on his brow for he became all white and so concerned. I remember telling him "sweetheart don't look so concerned, I'm sure it's nothing" He remained concerned and I pursued work on my computer putting the blister at the back of my mind. Then he went into the kitchen and came back to the living room and then just like that told me "I have herpes"!!!  I actually chuckled at that, not believing it. It was so surreal- this couldn't be happening, I remember thinking!!! He had been hospitalized some months back in january cause he had chronic headaches and he told me then that the doctor had said the herpes contributed to his headaches. I couldn't help feeling betrayed!! The funny part is I was not even pissed at him then. I just felt sad that he didn't trust me enough to share this information. I am a very forgiving person but I don't think I will be able to forgive him for depriving me of my right to decide about the situation and protecting myself. He said he was afraid he would loss me if he told me. The alternative was to CONTAMINATE ME!!!  That he has had sex with me all of this time knowing the risk he was putting me at. It doesn't really matter now how he contracted the disease; that wouldn't change the fact that I have it. I just can't help thinking how I will have to alter my live style because of this. My self esteem is at zero!!!

I was at the doctor's today and got prescription for Aciclovir which I started taking immediately. I feel so embarassed seated at my desk at work with the cream on my mouth and pretending it's nothing when my colleagues ask me what happened to my lip. I just want to be invisible

I have scheduled an appointment next week for a test of all STDs. I shudder thinking I may have something more. I need to be sure that no more damage was done.

I have been married for 4yrs and I find myself thinking about divorce but then the logical part of me is asking if that will bring my health back. If I get away who will want a Herpes infested woman? I love my husband but I just don't trust him any more. What is the essence of being in a relationship with someone you can't trust? I'm I strong enough to fulfill the "for better and worst, in sickness and in health" part of my vows!

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I don't comprehend how someone who proclaims love can be so reckless and irresponsible! I don't yet have kids but I would some day in the future. I can't help thinking I wouldn't be care free around my kids and family for fear of contaminating them.

I know the answers to some of these questions have to come from me but I need to pour out what's on my mind out there to get some kind of relief. Your comments will be highly appreciated

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