Scared to get better

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I've suffered with depression since I was 15, now I'm 30. This pain is crippling, I have no other words or energy to describe it.

I want nothing more in the world than to get better. But I'm scared to. Because I don't know who I am.

During the key stage of character development I've been depressed. I've no idea who I am? When my depression lifts (hopefully) I'm going to be nobody. A stranger to myself and everyone else. I'm just so scared about not knowing me. Because I've never actually developed? I don't know how to become. Hope this makes sens

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  • Posted

    Hi inmate88.

    I felt exactly the same way as you. Depression started about 13, at 21 (last year), I was in such a bad place that i had the realisation it was either going to do something drastic and stupid or seek help. Seeking help was never an option before because all i knew was the depressed me. What/ who would i be? The thing is though, when depressed, we constantly try to work out who we are rather than be who we want. We dont have the option. I eventually went to my gp for help when faced with a final choice, and was put on citalopram 20mg.

    I'm not going to lie, it's a medication that took me to the bottom before helping me rise. After about 6 weeks and an upped dosage to 30mg, i started to feel better in myself. No longer did i feel sad about what i wasn't but felt determined to improve myself. It gave me the motivation and thats all this life really needs.

    Through seeking help with a doctor or councellor, maybe trying medication like i did, you will start to see the real you. Not the one filled with doubt but the one filled with life. You say you havent developed. Maybe now is the time. And once you do, you can help those who need the help. Let that be the motvation for change. I was as low as could be and now that i'm not, i want to help those who were in the position i was. If everyone helped the next man, no one would be in need. 

    Don't fear the future, but make it better through you're actions today. You're a good person.

    Hope this helps


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  • Posted

    What a LOVELY reply ....James is right lovely. You have a whole new future ahead of can do....or be....whatever or whoever you want to be....think of it as a exciting new may be scary at first....but you will soon begin to feel alive and blossom..that awful black hole will begin to disappear.....see your gp as soon as you can...they have all the tools to turn your life around.. you will grow by the day.and I am sure that your family and friends will be a great help and enjoy seeing you become happier by the day....take care

    Lovely. I wish you all the happiness in the world....big hugs.....Deirdre xxx xxx

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  • Posted

    Hi it could have been me who wrote that!  I have been depressed since around the age of 11/12 so I had no idea who I was either.   Counsellors would say they were trying to get me back to normal and how I was before,  but this never made sense to me and either though I told them they clearly didn't understand.   I gave up in the end.  

    However when my depression lifted I discovered I quite liked myself and that I had a good sense of humour.   I also realised I was intelligent and quite a nice person.   When the dreaded depression falls on me again I hold on to that and try and get back to it.   The first clue with me that I am going into a deeper depression is that I fall out with people and get upset by them.  .  My sense of humour also goes AWOL. 

    I have learned to live with mild/mod depression (most of the time) and have accepted I will never know if I would have been different without it.   But my aim is always to be as much of the person I would have been without it if that makes sense.    Bev x

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  • Posted

    Thank you all for your supportive replies and encouragement.

    I've been trailing different meds at different doses for my mix of mental health conditions for about 18 months. I'm getting no further forward. In fact it's getting worse. I've lost all hope. I just feel like I'm going to be stuck like this forever. My mental health workers are trying their best to help me, but so far without success

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  • Posted

    i am the same i suffered with depresstion since i was 17 now i am 24 i have been taking my own life i hate my own life as well i also suffered from panic acttack and angry promblems as well what can i do about it is the hard thing  
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