Scaring myself from mental breakdowns + My mental health and problems.

Throughout my teenage years, I’ve had to overcome much adversary. Mainly due to my dad having a disease called ALS. He cannot talk or eat with his mouth, he has very little energy, a weakened immune system, and is extremely skinny.

He is pretty much completely housebound and I’ve watched him digress and die slowly and painfully for about the past 5 years. He cannot work, and neither can my mom, because she has to constantly take care of him. This has lead to many traumatic events and there have been many independent ones too: My mom was an alcoholic who had to go to rehab for a long time. My lifelong friend committed suicide several months ago (I then had to see my lifelong family friends (his parents, who are family to me) completely break). I’ve had multiple deaths of close family members happen (often close to each other). I’ve seen my family break many times. A couple weeks ago, my dog, which I’ve had for as long as I can remember, died.

We love each other more than anything in the world, and have grown more resilient.

I’ve recently moved from a public school into a private prep school. The change has been great (educationally-wise), but my friends from my old school, though not far away, mean everything to me and are like brothers to me.

I often talk to them online through Xbox, but I’m online less and less as I take in more responsibilities. There’s, also, only so much satisfaction that voice communication and playing online can give you.

 We’re very busy oftentimes, and even though it’s usually only weeks that go by that I don’t see them, it feels longer and longer every time. Everytime we do get together, it goes by quickly, and I am usually left feeling alone again.

Also, I sometimes feel a subtle, but present, divide between us. They collectively pick on me in a joking way, and while I often find it humorous myself, it can be degrading and annoying.

Sorry for the explanation, but it may give you some insight into my mental suffering and stability.

Info: 

I’m a 17-year-old guy

I’ve been diagnosed with depression, and more recently, ADD. I take medication for both of these.

I’ve had long episodes of severe depression before being properly medicated

I have not, and won’t ever, commit suicide or self-harm. I hate pain and I’ve seen how suicide can destroy other’s lives. My parents would emotionally die. 

I consider myself to not be mentally healthy. I am, often, severely anxious and stressed. I’m really insecure and have low self-esteem. I’ve had troubling doubts in my sexuality for a long time. I often shift from being introverted to extroverted, though I feel like I’m only outgoing at times to mask my insecurities. 

I’m very open about my troubles, but I feel like I need an opinion on my psyche.

I feel very isolated and alone at times, even when I’m surrounded by people. 

Now, the main problem: I often have private, but emotionally powerful outbursts. Under too much stress/anxiety, I’ll scream, cry, and talk to myself in outbursts,  as well as having uncontrollable anger (not usually physically damaging, I don’t break stuff, I’ll just beat up my pillow or other things). I’ll jerk around in a seemingly insane frenzy, my face being distorted and filled with rage and pain. I live in the woods, so I’ll walk into it, destroying trees and screaming until my throat hurts.  

This really scares me. I’ve looked at myself in the mirror for long periods of time, wondering if I’m insane.

If anyone can give me some advice, or tell me what might be wrong with me, I’d really appreciate it. I’ll try to check in and respond. 

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