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I'm new here but I just need to vent.
I hope none of you mind and if you do I am extreamly sorry.
Generally I have depression no matter the weather or season. But I glass Seasonal depression as part of my illness due to the fact that every single year around this time nearing winter my depression increases a lot.
The cold makes me feel sad, it may sound stupid but it literally gets under my skin and my depression hightens. The change in night to day makes me anxious. And the dim and dull days never seem to end.
Normally summer is my happiest time of the year. 'Y anxiety lowers and my depression is practically non exsistant.
This year summer was hard too. The heat made me anxious through fear of getting ill and everyone being social in the sun made me depressed because I can't enjoy the sunshine anymore.
So this year has been horrible. And it hasn't really had any high points for me.
All I can do is spend my days in bed. It's cold and miserable and I feel exhausted. I'm so low at the moment and I can't seem to kick it.
I was close to relapsing with my self harm earlier today. I managed to fight it off by getting my emotions out in another way.
I'm really struggling at the moment, and it feels like no matter how hard I try there's always something holding me back, holding me down.
I take a step forward and 20 steps back.
I know other people are in worse situations and I should be used to all of this by now, it has been 10 years after all. But I feel like I've been depressed for most of my life.
I got diagnosed when I was 12 and I'm still yet to find a therapy and medication that works. To stabilise my moods and make me feel "okay".
I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but..
I do believe it would be easier for myself and my family and my boyfriend if I weren't here no more.
I'm a burden to everyone I care about.
That's a horrible feeling, knowing they'd be happier without me being around, without having to support me and make sure I don't do "stupid things".
I'm tired now.
I'm tired of trying and failing. So I stopped trying and even now I'm still failing myself and my loved ones. I love them so much and it hurts me that I'm such a f*ck up.
I never did and don't want to be this way.
I just want to know what normal is.
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