Seasonal depression.
Posted , 5 users are following.
I'm new here but I just need to vent.
I hope none of you mind and if you do I am extreamly sorry.
Generally I have depression no matter the weather or season. But I glass Seasonal depression as part of my illness due to the fact that every single year around this time nearing winter my depression increases a lot.
The cold makes me feel sad, it may sound stupid but it literally gets under my skin and my depression hightens. The change in night to day makes me anxious. And the dim and dull days never seem to end.
Normally summer is my happiest time of the year. 'Y anxiety lowers and my depression is practically non exsistant.
This year summer was hard too. The heat made me anxious through fear of getting ill and everyone being social in the sun made me depressed because I can't enjoy the sunshine anymore.
So this year has been horrible. And it hasn't really had any high points for me.
All I can do is spend my days in bed. It's cold and miserable and I feel exhausted. I'm so low at the moment and I can't seem to kick it.
I was close to relapsing with my self harm earlier today. I managed to fight it off by getting my emotions out in another way.
I'm really struggling at the moment, and it feels like no matter how hard I try there's always something holding me back, holding me down.
I take a step forward and 20 steps back.
I know other people are in worse situations and I should be used to all of this by now, it has been 10 years after all. But I feel like I've been depressed for most of my life.
I got diagnosed when I was 12 and I'm still yet to find a therapy and medication that works. To stabilise my moods and make me feel "okay".
I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but..
I do believe it would be easier for myself and my family and my boyfriend if I weren't here no more.
I'm a burden to everyone I care about.
That's a horrible feeling, knowing they'd be happier without me being around, without having to support me and make sure I don't do "stupid things".
I'm tired now.
I'm tired of trying and failing. So I stopped trying and even now I'm still failing myself and my loved ones. I love them so much and it hurts me that I'm such a f*ck up.
I never did and don't want to be this way.
I just want to know what normal is.
1 like, 5 replies
terrentastic Forestflower
Posted
Whoa whoa whoa whoa hon.
You're not a burden.
Your boyfriend is with you because he loves you. I'm sure he is aware of your condition, and is supportive to you how he can; if he didn't want you around, he wouldn't be with you.
Your family definetely doesn't want you to be gone. Families fight and quarrel, but their love is always unconditional and I can guarantee you they would mourn you to their own expiration dates.
There are multiple confessions from suicide survivors that say how much they regret their actions and cannot thank whatever saved them enough for still being alive. I am one of them.
You can't stop trying. Ever. I know it's hard. Life in itself is hard, regardless of what trials or cripplings we suffer while going through it, but it is worth it. There is so much hidden beauty in this world, so much mystery and possibilities, that riding it out to the end is absolutely worth it.
Once you give up, it just gets worse. And worse.
Normal is a farce, by the way; its definition is to "conform to a standard"; every individual is unique in their own way, and nobody should be categorized into the word.
But, you should really talk to your GP.
Continue the medicine struggle until you find something, and even open up to your family and boyfriend; everybody needs support pillars, I could think of no better ones. You will be surprised to see how much others will go to help you, once they know you're struggling.
You don't have to be alone.
mike09523 Forestflower
Posted
Hi Kelly,
If you want to meet normal people don't look here. I doubt anyone who writes or reads this site would class themselves normal, because there is no such thing.
Most of us probably try to be conformists, or follow a path that others follow.
If we all looked at each other and thought we were all the same what a dull world it would be.
Your suffering now that winter draws in, because it makes you more depressed. I've got news for you, I suffer from depression and anxiety and ptsd and I love the winter months, I like drawing the curtains in.
I control when it's light or dark, I don't have to put up with noisy kids outside, noisy neighbours with their smelly barbecues or loud music. Peace and calm just like I want it.
Try to find an interest, I used to like walking and gardening, this spring I was diagnosed with malignant melanoma so that restricts me, but it won't beat me.
Mike.
patricia44773 mike09523
Posted
Good for you Mike, sorry to hear about your diagnosis, that's not fair.
Pat
patricia44773 Forestflower
Posted
There is no "normal".
I imagine you are on medication and under some sort of medical support. Perhaps you need to review that side of things.
Your loved ones need you, do whatever you have to do to be there for them and not cause them unhappiness.
Pat.
wayne1962 Forestflower
Posted
Hi Kellie - sorry to read of your situation, you poor darling. First i have to repeat what others here have said : there is no such thing as 'normal.' We are all absolutely unique, and most of us suffer from one problem or another - or more.
Second is that you have a support structure around you - your family and your boyfriend. Some people are alone with their demons which is much more difficult. Your family and boyfriend care about you. Any drastic act by you in the depths of your hell will affect them greatly and for the rest of their lives. They will always wonder what they could have done that might have changed your decision and may even blame themselves entirely. Your job is to explore every possible avenue to at least find a balance in your life.
Third - it's good that you have resisted the urge to self harm and found another outlet to relieve yourself. The next - and most important - step is to make that doctors appointment and once again explore the medication side of things. Meds are not a one-size-fits-all kinda thing. It will take some tweaking, some hit-and-miss episodes before you find what works. Also, it is advisable to have some counselling/psychologist intervention used in tandem with the meds to see if there are underlying issues connected with your depression.
Weare not all the same. I have the same attitude to the seasons that Mike09523 has mentioned on this thread. Love the winter. I wondered as I read your post Kellie, whether you have tried using the tanning clinic in the winter months. I'm thinking maybe there is something in the UVA/B rays that affect your mood? Just a thought. Meanwhile, don't give up, and you can always come here to chat with us for support. Best of luck for your future.