Secret Drinker
Posted , 10 users are following.
Some members of the forum know that my daughter in laws mother has been in hospital for a month with untreated pneumonia. The lack of communication regarding her illness has been appalling and a formal complaint lodged via PALS.
She was a very heavy drinker for years and my DIL was bought up by her grandparents. When DIL had her first child 8 years ago, she gave her mum an ultimatum, stop drinking and be involved with your grandson. Continue drinking and not be involved.
She chose to give up alcohol and has been an excellent grandma with total involvement. She also looked after my now 15 month old grandson. Due to the problems I'd had with alcohol, I wasn't allowed to have him on my own, until fairly recently.
The only tests she has had in hospital are blood tests and a chest X-ray. Her LFT result highlighted possible cirrhosis, due to heavy drinking in the past. The type of pneumonia she had was aspiration pneumonia which has lead to severe lung infection, kidney failure, weak heart and liver damage. Apparently this type of pneumonia can be due to heavy drinking.
RHGB has been excellent in suggesting what tests the hospital should have done and like Joanne's husband Joe she needed an abdominal scan. She eventually had one late yesterday, the results of which have absolutely shattered my DIL She's been secretly drinking for the past 8 years, she didn't stop and in short has looked after her eldest grandson for 8 years and my 15 month grandson whilst drinking. DIL walked out of the hospital and says she can't forgive her. My son is fuming as I wasn't allowed to look after either of them on my own. Both son and DIL are mortified by the unfairness, saying I've lost precious time with the youngest and its their fault.
Shes due more tests today, has now developed jaundice and from what I can gather, has basically given up and wants to die.
Yet another example where bloods didn't seem too bad, but the scan shows an almost dead liver. Another person with near end stage liver disease, no symptoms, no pain, no jaundice until now. She's being tube fed, on permanent oxygen and too late for any treatment. Apparently she was getting through the best part of two litres of vodka a day. I would not have known she was Ill when I saw her just before Christmas, very thin but not ill.
1 like, 34 replies
hope4cure vickylou
Posted
This is really a story of betrayal and hate. This is her payback unfortunately now dying, Very sad to hear of all the years you lost due to her judgmental and lack of true character. You have more character and values in your little pinky than this wemon ever had.
It's so devastating one can hardly imagine how incredibably dishonest this women was to keep the addiction going for so long unnoticed. It makes me wonder what else has she done that no one knows about. The alcoholic brain is so dysfunctional the mind of an alcoholic will,do whatever it takes to continue with the addiction. No matter how extreme. That's no excuse. Everyone trusted her for years and the damage is done. How does one recover from such deceit?
The is as as ugly as it gets . I know your struggles all to well Vickylou and of all people you never deserved to be treated so disrespectfully.
How are you coping with all the news about this family member that robbed so many of life and family interactions while hiding her own addiction?
Unbelievable this was so heartbreaking to read this story. I am so angry can't imagine how you must feel. Plz get a counselor to help you put this behind you so you can let go of the heartbreaK. That doesn't mean you will ever forget but I truely believe holding onto negative feelings can eat us from the inside out, it's a grieving process and it takes a long time to heal thru all the different stages. With professional help I to found it helpful to grieve in a positive way and learn to work thru the pain and let it go. Otherwise, it takes on a life of its own and a toll on our lives.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send blessings and peace your way!
Gentle Hugs
HOPE4CURE
RHGB hope4cure
Posted
It isn't really a story of betrayal and certainly not hate. It is not payback, it is a consequence of heavy drinking.
JulieAnne101 RHGB
Posted
It's the drinking brain at it's worst isn't it Hope4cure RHGB, when is it EVER logical? Always cunning, deceitful, makes a normally caring person do desperate things x
kelly71703 RHGB
Posted
Hi Vicky lou.
Your experience has really saddened me. Not only for the injustice but for your grandchildren. The other lady can't be helped now I don't think. All the while she was drinking and looking after them what did they think?
My daughter can smell alcohol a mile off and she knows what a drunk person looks and smells like. Not something you should be aware of as a child. But bear in mind that she cared for these childrren. The worst thing is that she lied about her alcohol use, but we have all been there and I bet she doesn't feel good about that.
Concentrate on yr grandsons, son and DIL.
Prove to them that that this demon can be beaten and you can be trusted.
I'm sure they are very Angry and hate her for the deciete but she is paying with her life. I'm sure if she could help herself she wouldn't do that.
Take care and keep us UTD.
vickylou kelly71703
Posted
Kelly, like your daughter, all my kids and husband could tell over the phone if I'd had more than a glass of wine, let alone smell it.
To be fair to her, she'd be at their house for 7am every day. Mum and dad would leave for work 10 mins later. She'd take the eldest to school with little one in the pushchair, go back to their house. Give little one lunch then put him in his cot for asleep. She did all their ironing, cleaning, gardened and mowed the law . She'd then go to school, give the boys their tea, put a joint or casserole in the oven for when they came back from work about 6.45pm then go home and do the same the next day
They probably only saw her for 10mins tops each day. I've met her at school several times, open day, sports day, garden party, sponsored swim etc and I would never in a million years suspected that she'd been drinking. She certainly hadn't had any hospital or gp appointments or been in much pain.
It maybe that she was so used to drinking that it wasnt doing much or having much effect that she would drink more.
vickylou hope4cure
Posted
Hope I hear what you're saying and yes I was hurt when I found out about the other grandmas secret drinking. During my drinking days I would have kicked up a fuss, ranted and raved about how unfair it was, and if I'm honest, I probably would have said you reap what you sow, it's what she deserves
I certainly don't hate her and she has been a good grandma to the boys, particularly the 8 year old. Neither do I feel betrayed, my son and his wife, based on what they knew made their decision not to involve me in childcare during the day. I've never questioned their decision and would have done the same myself. I still saw the boys, both of them have stayed overnight and OH and I together have spent time with them.
I was concerned when my daughter in law, after finding out her mum had carried on drinking was angry and refused to let her mum see the boys or visit herself. She was angry on my behalf too.
Looking at the bigger picture, two boys were going to lose a grandma who they loved. Why harm and upset them? by not letting them see her before she died. She knew what she'd done was wrong, but hey she's dying, haven't we all made mistakes. I certainly have.
I needed my DIL to understand that she was making decisions whilst naturally angry. Her anger would go, and I knew if she didn't make peace with her mum, she'd be left with guilt and not be able to grieve properly for her mum.
I understand you meant well, but I certainly don't need to see a counsellor. My experience with counsellors ended up making me feel even more confused, which would be a good excuse to start drinking again. The majority imo come across as needing counselling themselves.
This forum has given me advice, help, non judgemental suggestions, knowledge regarding medication which the so called 'experts seem unaware of. and finally friendship.
Hopefully, you can understand that yes I was hurt, but there were far more serious issues involved, two boys about to lose someone they loved, a dying grandma being denied saying goodbye to her grandkids, a daughter in law regretting not saying goodbye and making peace with her mum and then full of guilt, which could have been avoided if she let her anger go.
sadie_dee70150 vickylou
Posted
RHGB vickylou
Posted
Vickylou has asked me to give a quick up date on her visit. She has had to come back and go straight out to a prior family commitment, so will comment herself tomorrow and reply to any PMs, of which she has many.
Well, first off, the meeting was a success, a good outcome. Vicks phoned early this morning to let the grandma know that two sons and her daughter that they would be coming to see her today, so she was ready, rather than out of the blue.
One of the sons is very young, too young to understand really, but the other totally understands the situation. But it didn't help when the ward manager told him off for sitting on the bed. When I was in hospital, people often sat on the bed, including doctors, so they were more at my level.
Vicks took the younger son for a walk, to give the ward manager her thoughts on what had happened. Then collected the other son, to leave daughter and mother to have a private talk. Mother and daughter patched things up. Then the mother had a one to one with Vicks and apologised, and Vicks being Vicks, said what for? We all make mistakes, and you were a good grandma.
So, the outcome is, daughter and mother have reconciled. The sons have seen their grandma and the older one had a chat. And Vicks and the grandma are all happy. And I think there is probably a grandma in hospital, who is not quite feeling so lonely tonight.
So if it's a bit garbled, but it really was a rush and go message and Vicks will add anything else tomorrow.
Robin2015 RHGB
Posted
JulieAnne101 RHGB
Posted
gwen45436 vickylou
Posted
Your life is back on track - enjoy every single moment.
Gx