Seem to have a specific phobia of having children.
Posted , 2 users are following.
Me and my partner have been together for1 year (after 10 years of friendship prior).
We live together in a flat.
I am 33, she is 32.
I knew she wanted children at the beginning, but I was under the impression she would wait until she is 35.
I work as a lawyer - on £32k a year - she earns £19k per yer as a trainee lawyer.
We've had the discussion recently (which turned into an argument) about children.
I feel that I have worked too hard over the past few years of my career, and I only just feel like I've got my footing with a decent salary - and I want to be able to engage (finally) in a few things that I've always wanted to do (ie: learn to fly, and climb mountains).
To put it short, I am all for saving up for a deposit for mortgage (which is difficult anyway) and then thinking of having children when we're established with a home and better income.
But my, partner has basically of the mindset that I cannot do anything or spend any money on anything until it's all sorted. She even said "can you not wait until you're 40 to do all of this?" - she has also told me that any inheritance I will eventually get from my parents will be spent on the kinds and the house.
This has struck me down with intense fear.... It seems that if I have a life and children with this person, then my life and finances will go totally out of my control and I will never be able to pursue anything for myself. In a nut shell, I have found myself becoming even more depressed, worried and anxious.
I'm not selfish or a bad person, it's just very important for my mental stability (having already suffered with stress/anxiety quite badly in the past) that I continue to do things that are therapeutic to me. I've always wanted to learn to fly, my partner knew this years before we even got together. I also want to continue to climb mountains.
My partner does not see my point about trying to manage both having activities/hobbies and saving for a house.
I have become so afraid, that I felt sick to the stomach when I walked past some baby clothes in the shop yesterday.
I have started to constantly ruminate over worst case scenarios about my future.
I obsess over loosing the house, because she will divorce me and it will be all given to her and the kids - I will basically be tossed to one side and she will get everything she ever wanted whilst I get nothing for it.
I'm really struggling with this at the moment, and I'm not sure if it's just me (as I've always been a highly anxious person) or if this having children is really the part of your life where your life ends to provide for another.
Please help.
0 likes, 1 reply
jan34534 Aircraft1989
Posted
you both need to be on the same page or you will never feel settled in your mind about your finances, a house, etc.
having children is an absolutely wonderful experience and it does not end a persons life but it enhances it. But you have to be ready for it and it sounds like the two of you need to have good communication about this.
being that I’ve been through all of that and a lot older than you, I can say that it’s important to take steps before you have a family. Some of those would be a stable job, a home, A solid committed relationship with good communication and compromise, etc.
you should talk together about things like will both of you continue to work? Will one person stay home? How does that fit into the budget?
if you can, I would suggest that both of you speak with a counselor about all of this. It’s good to have somebody to talk to that is not directly involved.
my son and his wife had a great relationship before they got married but they still went to marriage classes before they got married. He said it was the best thing they ever did. they talked about everything from finances to communication to compromise , children, what’s important to have in place, etc.
if you’re feeling as anxious as it sounds, then I would highly advise a good class like that or a counselor.
you don’t want to resent her at some point in the future because you didn’t do some things you wanted to do.
try not to forecast the future about losing the house to her etc. things might just work out if the both of you are on the same page. if not then you have to make a decision. I do hope everything works out for you but she has to be willing to compromise. take care