1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

Self Destructive Depression?

Posted , 30 users are following.

QACab
QACab

Hi all. I've just joined patient.info and would like to know if any of you have experienced the same thins as I have.

I work as a PA, which I never really wanted to do because, as many do, I knew that I wasn't suited to it and I naturally shy away from speaking to people, one of the main points of the job.

Last yearI went through a really stressful period which ended with me breaking down at work, then suffering panic attacks. I end up being off of work for nearly 3 months with Depression and anxiety but returned to the job feeling like a new person after several appointments with a counsellor. I was also taking sertraline. Now, I've realised in previous jobs that I have a tendancy to start off well and start then go down hill. I get a talking to by my boss, realise what I'm doing wrong, set something in motion that should sort me out but can never stick to it. The same with the Sertraline. I accidentally weened myself off of it becasue I got out of the habbit of taking it when I returned to work. Started taking again to suffer the horrible anxiety side effects then accidentally weened myself off again. Now I'm in trouble with my job. I'm hanging by a thread and I know exactly the things that I need to work on to correct it but feel like I cant do it. I feel nothing, almost like I dont care. I need to get through this for my wife and little boy but dont feel like I'm going to. I feel like I have no will power anymore and need to get this right for my family, the problem is, it seems in my nature to stop myself progressing and ruin my chances. Can anyone offer any advice?

4 likes, 56 replies

56 Replies

Next
  • flower82
    flower82

    Posted

    Hey Tony

    I only joined the site yesterday and find it really helpful.....almost therapeutic!

    Ok i dont really know what sertraline is so not sure i can give you any advice but you really do sound in utter despair. I to seems to mess everything up, almost like i dont deserve for things to work out! I feel like an utter faliure when i mess it up but iv been in the same job for 2 years now and things are going well.....kinda! im off this week trying to come off Venlafaxine, i feel numb to everything on the drug and i want to be me again....just praying that the "Me" stays happy at work! as i have a husband and 2 children and i don't want to have to tell them Mum is changing job again!!

    I think you maybe need to decide whether your just not happy/suited to your job so you self destruct because it feels easier than sticking at it OR its a medical issue that is causing you to feel like your just not good enough ....which you most definitely are!

    So your hanging by a thread??? in what way?? whats happening ?

    hang in there!!

    • veronica44864
      veronica44864 flower82

      Posted

      Through out my adult life Istruggled to work and bring my son up but j did it I did jobs I hated And slways put my son first I am glad I did as I don't think I could of done any thing else but I am now 47 my son grown up and if I could turn the clocks back I wish I would of done things for me . Sometimes in life you have to put yourself first , if u cAn try and find a solution find something you enjoy hVe a escapism from all the crap I hope one day you will feel happy I am beginning at long last to think of me it's difficult but possible

  • Doug1253
    Doug1253

    Posted

    That sounds like a terrible situation, Tony.

    It would appear that your 'issue' is deep-seated enough to justify long-term counseling.

    I know it's easy for someone else to say losing multiple jobs to a single cause should be a wake-up call; I also know from personal experience how hard it can be to alter a long-standing pattern of behavior. Sometimes we're our own worst enemies!

    I hope someone else here can suggest a quick-fix for you, but I doubt there truly is a'quick' solution.

  • QACab
    QACab

    Posted

    To be honest I've known that I have this issue. It is one of the hard points of feeling the way I do. I know exactly what is wrong and what needs sorting, but I feel so much pressure from my own thoughts that I freeze while thinking about the task (if that makes any sense at all) and dont end up doing it. When I say "Hanging by a thread",I mean my job. I'm currently going through a procedure at work to see if I'm suitable for my job. On stage two going on three-out of four. Every month it is the same thing. I know what needs doing but dont seem to be able to remain positive and proactive enough to last the whole month. The stupid thing is, if I pass one of the stages then the whole procedure is over and I keep my job. if I dont pass stage four then I'm practically out of the door. Today I have a meeting to see how I've done and I know it isn't good. I've been preparing for Life after this job rather than trying to keep it and I think it has brough me back down. I do have an interview for another job tomorrow though. I'll keep you updated with what happens. Thank you for your replies, I think it is a great help when somone kind of knows what you're going through and understands. People who haven't experienced depression before dont have the same point of view as somone who has.
    • rolika52461
      rolika52461 QACab

      Posted

      I am about to turn 30 in three days. I have suffered depression for as long as I can remember , everytime something hard in life would come, I would start panicking and back out. As a result I didn't end up doing to much with my qualifications, finally at 22 I got a job as a makeup artist, I was there for quite long but everytime some issue came up I would end up making a big deal about it, finally last year I left it because of family constraints,. I started my own work, but because of my inferiorty complex and low confidence level am not able to pick up work. I have no savings, its like I was living. A life outside of a box, I did not learn from any of my mistakes. I am so negative at the moment that I have pushed my partner away. I have given up on life even before its started off. I haven't left my place in three months.avoiding the the two friends I have because I am so embarassed of myself.  I just can't see the positive side. Everyday I just think of ways I can get rid of myself because I've ended up being such a loser. Ontop of that my memory and brain just refuses to function. I am scared of everything. I do not even feel like an adult. What do I do, I have messed up my life so bad because of me and I am not able to change.
    • Kevmarin
      Kevmarin rolika52461

      Posted

      Hi

      Sorry to bother you but your situation as put in your post I really can relate to - I'm 32 now and when I turned 30 I had the usual 'fresh start' motivation at the time determined to make something of myself - two years later I'm still thinking everyday - u wish I was dead!

      I went to college but dropped out even at the age of 32! You would think by now I would want to get on and move up but no, it seems I just don't have the motivation at all to progress in life. I feel such a looser.

      Last year (2014) I got married, me and my wife had a baby and we currently live with her parents in a fairly big house, "what the hell have you got to complain about???" I guess you could say - well I have no qualifications, I'm in a job I hate, we both can't afford a mortgage and so can't move out and it feels worse as everyone around me including my wife's brother who is younger than me are a doing really well in life career wise - I just feel like I have a responsibility to look after my young baby daughter and my wife yet I know I'm chipping away at my partners soul each day with my constant negetivity and depression, plus I can't find a job or career path I like and can't get us out of the in laws into our own place - it's getting us down having to live here rather than being on our own with our new little family.

      It's the sh*ttest most selfish thing but I do wish I could just flick a switch and end my life painlessly and be fine with it. Problem is I'm too scared to do anything so it will never happen - I'll just struggle through life day to day going through mental torture trying to figure out my life, looking and feeling foolish and embarrassed among friends and relatives.

      No doubt I'll be in my forties still wondering what to do researching ways to sort out my lack of direction and ending up on blogs like this one about depression and ending your life......

      Oh well

      Sorry for the rant but I couldn't stop typing once I started

      Good luck to you

    • ds0001
      ds0001 Kevmarin

      Posted

      Hey Kevmarin - I don't have anything helpful to say, but a lot of what you said is similar to how I am as well.

      I'm 34, I go through brief times where I feel a bit motivated, but they're usually so short I never really get anywhere, and then I go back to feeling useless. It isn't just with work either, I don't really feel motivated to anything in my free time most days.

      I can't help but feel the 'I wish I was dead' thing - I really don't like my life much at the moment, and all I can see for the next 30 years is more of the same.

      I'm engaged and we have a house together (no kids). I have a couple of minor qualifications, in the field I work in, but obviously that doesn't help me much as I HATE my job. I also feel like I'm not all that great at it, so I can't imagine moving to a different job in the same field (which probably wouldn't help anyway) and I have no qualifications to do anything else, so I don't seem to have many options.

      I'd love to change career, but I don't think I have any skills or qualifications to do that and with working a full-time job, I doubt I'd be able to fit in any kind of college class to learn something new. Plus, I have no idea what I would like to do anyway.

      I also feel like my negativity is bothering my partner - in fact, I feel if I keep going like this, we won't end up getting married. So I don't have much choice but to stop complaining so much about things when she's there :-P

      So yeah, like I said, I don't have anything helpful to offer. Just that I'm in a similar place and I can't see any way out of it either.

    • dan_61917
      dan_61917 rolika52461

      Posted

      Rolika,

      I just want to say that I am sorry to hear the pain you feel, I cam feel the pain in your words. I noticed that your post was 8 months ago, havr things gotten any better? I too am a 30 year old man sufferimg from depression. Wife wife is going back home with our son due to my lack of.... i dony know, everything! Getting through depprrssion is a hard thing to do that nobody can completely understand because we are all different. your two best friends, if they are true to you tell them your depressed. It will be soo hsrd but so worth it. If they are true, you will feel so grrwt that you have 2 people that care. Actually you have 3, me included. Please respond!

    • dan_61917
      dan_61917 Kevmarin

      Posted

      Kevmarin,

      I hope things are going well for you! Check it out man, you are stronger for doing these blogs than you give yourself credit for. Its not easy to admit how F*ed we feel inside. You may be doing via blog but your doing it! Show your baby girl you love her and her dad is the strongest man shr knows because she watched him beat his deppression.

    • veronica44864
      veronica44864 ds0001

      Posted

      You sound a good person and you can chAnge any one can its down to us at the end of the day , it's normal to feel crap but not healthy to won't to die but I understAnd how you feel I have felt crap at times in my own life but I just keep going and I M glad I do there is somthing out there for you I went on a introduction to counselling course and it opened my eyes to certain things and I have started to realise why I am the way I am I hope u can to

    • 9999
      9999 dan_61917

      Posted

      I know this post but I hope everything is going better for you.👍Take Care

  • flower82
    flower82

    Posted

    Morning Tony

    Good Luck today and well done for planning ahead with the interview!

    Have you spoken to your doctor?? You really do need to tackle the cause for this mental block you have.

    Wish there was a quick fix.......wouldnt it make life easier! ((HUGS))

    x

  • QACab
    QACab

    Posted

    Wow! quick response! hugs appreciated. Just found out that my meeting to discuss work has been cancelled today, so temporarily relieved. At least I should be able to put a few things in place before the meeting now and try to show I'm being proactive. I can just concentrate on the interview tomorrow now. I think I should be fine in that. according to my counsellor (last year) I've become an expert in hiding how I feel and come across as confident.
  • flower82
    flower82

    Posted

    Phew! U can do this! Write down what u need to do, I find making lists helps! Maybe even take your list with you? Let them see your trying? What's your relationship like with management? Can u talk about your motivation issues and perhaps ask for some support?

    Not sure how my employer will be with me when I go back to work friday, iv been off a week and nobody even called to see how I am! Charming hey! I get on well with staff, they just have crap management skills ..... hope yours are better!

    smile

  • QACab
    QACab

    Posted

    It was the same with me when I was off with depression and anxiety. HR did their bit and asked if there was anything they could do but the whole time it just felt like they were doing it becasue they had a legal obligation and not because they wanted to help. I didn't receive one card or message from my colleagues, despite something similar happening to a colleague of mine and everyone signed a card. Guess they just didn't like me that much hehe.

    My relationship isn't great. I speak politely with them and pass the time of day but I think my problem is I spend too much time trying not to talk to them. so they chase me up about everything which adds to my stress. I've always shut myself away, kept myself to myself and generally have done everything by myself. I dont ask for help with anything either (another problem of mine)I have to be the PA they want but I just dont know how to be him. I think it comes back t willpower. While I was on sick leave lst summer I discovered I have the knack for Carpentry and Joinery. I have spent a couple of years trying todiscover what I want to be and I feel this is it. But now I feel stuck in this job and I guess I dont want to be a PA so subconciously I'm stopping myself from doing the job, but I need to do it to look after my little boy.

    My head is a mess. now on top of that I have pre interview nerves. Grrrr.

Back to top
Next

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.