Self-doubt, ruminating thoughts, dwelling and needing to move on.

Hi all,

For a bit of background, I have suffered with anxiety in my life and this spiralled out of control for about a year in 2017, where I was forever anxious and depressed. I recovered during 2018 and ended the year feeling as happy as I have ever been.

Life was going well on the whole. However, the past two months of this year has been tough. What triggered it off was convincing myself to feel comfortable in resuming my dating life at the end of last year. Just before the Christmas break I got speaking to someone I was interested in and she asked me out for coffee when we were both back in the same place in January. However, on the day it didn't go as I'd hoped and she (politely) said that we weren't compatible afterwards.

This should be 'fair enough' as these things happen, not everyone can be compatible. However, I took this hard because I have realised I am still overly critical of myself and struggle with people's perception of me. I did the wrong thing and let it affect my own self-worth and started questioning my own values which I thought I had. I admit that I maybe got a little bit too excited, since I thought that what she put as who she was looking for seemed to fit how I view myself. As it didn't it has left me attacking myself for not being who I thought I was and worrying about how people view me, thinking they must think badly of me, be it of my character, values, intelligence or whatever.

What has stunted me further is regret over letting nerves get to me. I admit that I got nervous when we went for coffee and I feel this affected me, so that I wasn't creating a positive enough impression of myself. I don't mean that I created the impression that I was horrible, but not of someone who is demonstrating their worth. Like someone who doesn't talk enough about their suitability in a job interview. So, I get ruminations of "why on Earth didn't I speak about that, that's something I should have talked about given what you know about her" or "who on Earth did I speak about that? That was a dull subject and didn't focus on the aspects where you think you're compatible."

It's ridiculous, futile and may not have even mattered. I am not naive enough to think that if I spoke about everything how I wanted to with a confident mindset it would have definitely led to anything more. However, as I feel like could have been less nervous and could have spoke about better things in a more nuanced way than I did, which has led to me dwelling on what might have been if I had been more at ease and gave an impression of myself which brought out my best traits. I have felt similar during interviews when I have felt I didn't bring out my best skills. I have spoken to a friend and they have stated that I didn't say anything wrong, so I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but the dwelling persists.

I know it's ridiculous, the idea that this person was the only one who'd suit me is silly, but I keep berating myself over this. I then berate myself for still dwelling on it, saying I am like these clingy, obsessive guys who can't let go, even though deep down I do want to move on. It's just my anxieties and negative views of myself have used to this to berate myself over it. I know that I wouldn't do anything creepy or obsessive; I have seen her around since and have done nothing untoward and wouldn't do. I know that this would not be right.

However, I cannot stop the wishing that things were different, wishing that I'd given my 'best,' so that I could stop the thoughts of "what if I didn't let the nerves get to me?" I keep having whimsical nostalgia back to Christmas when I was happy and looking forward to meeting her. I know I need to move on, I know that thoughts that I'll never find the person right for me are self-defeating. I know that the date may not have been perfect for me even if it did progress further. We may not have found the same things funny, we may not have had compatible political views; we both had politically liberal listed on our dating pages, but that covers a range of viewpoints. There may have been a few things where we differed and this may have been too much of a barrier. I know that this shouldn't reflect me as a person , that id doesn't mean I am bad or that my values aren't true, but it doesn't stop my irrational self saying otherwise.

I keep telling myself that I am useless, that I am not a good person, that my values cannot be true and that I must be a weirdo. I say this because my inner anxieties cause me to worry about how she viewed me that day. I worry about how I am perceived and my anxieties try to convince me that she must have thought I am like this, it cannot be a rejection without necessarily thinking I am bad or a creep. It'll say that only those seen as bad or creepy fail to move past a coffee date and that if you were good she'd have moved to a meal at the least. It doesn't matter that my lovely friend is in a similar boat and has had several unsuccessful coffee dates over the past year, and some which have sounded much worse than mine. The irrational chatter is ever present.

So, thank-you for bearing with this long post. Has anyone got any suggestions on how to deal with consistent ruminations and self-analysis which is ever critical and doesn't let me move on? How can I convince my inner critic that not being successful here does not make me a bad person or a creep? All these thoughts do is fill me with anxiety, melancholy and a lack of motivation to do my work.

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