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I'll try and keep this brief. I've been depressed for approx 6 years (I'm 21), with varying levels of severity. Recently, for maybe the past 4 months, it's got very bad and completely unmanageable. I've had a bit of counselling in my teens and was seen by a child psychiatrist for a couple of years but never found it to be of much use (my parents arranged it and I guess I was rebelling by not letting it help me... stupid I know).
I've never been on medication before until a few months ago when I was put on Sertraline, but I took 1 tablet and had an awful reaction so was advised not to take any more. After about a week I was put on Citalopram which I was on for 10 days. I did find it lifted my mood but I had no appetite whatsoever and it was drastically affecting my sex life (I still had a high sex drive but was unable to orgasm).
I was then put on Mirtrazapine which I've now been on for almost 5 weeks (4 weeks at 15mg, and 1 week at 30mg). It hasn't taken effect yet; I've read that it can take a while to kick in but I am really reaching my breaking point. I've felt suicidal probably about 5 times since I've been on it, and have been self-harming and drinking heavily (not advised I know but its my only solace).
On 'good days' I just feel numb, but not distressed or panicky or argumentative and I can function near-normally so I class it as a good day. On bad days I feel worthless and angry and despairing and like there's no other way out than suicide. My boyfriend tries hard to help and understand but a lot of the time I take it out on him and can be really vile to him, which distresses me further as he's an amazing man and doesn't deserve it. I have no self esteem, none whatsoever, and this convinces me that he'll cheat or he won't want me anymore, even though he's shown no evidence at all of behaving like this, and in my heart I know he wouldn't. I'm pushing him away with my unfounded paranoia and can see us breaking up over it if I don't sort myself out soon. He's the perfect man for me and it would break me if we were to end.
My family don't know about my depression and I have no friends (not exaggerating or self-pitying, I really don't). I've had 3 counselling sessions from my uni but because the academic year is now over they can't see me til the end of September. I'm on a waiting list for CBT but been told to wait 6-12 months and 'not to hold my breath'.
Sorry, keeping it brief didn't really work out! I guess the things I'm asking are:
1) Any success stories of Mirtrazapine taking effect after the 5 week mark; how long did it take for you etc?, and how did it help? I feel its worth carrying on giving it a go since I've not really had any side effects but extreme tiredness in the mornings, but it sometimes feels completely pointless as it's not 'worked' for me yet and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle at times.
2) Any self-help methods that you've found to help you when you've been at your lowest? I have a diary app on my phone where I write at least 1 positive thing that has happened each day, and have done this since 1st January this year. It occasionally helps to read through this or texts from my boyfriend but not always. I also have a mindfulness app which I sometimes use but I guess I've not really got into it. I intend to join some sort of group/hobby in order to keep myself busy and make new friends but I'm sure people in the same boat as me can appreciate that when you're in the depths of depression you really can't take that leap of faith to actually go ahead and DO something about it.
Sorry for the long post! Any advice much appreciated.
(Also posted in Depression forum)
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