Self loathing, no confidence or self esteem!

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I read a lot of posts & comments regarding individuals afflicted with bipolar saying & doing dreadful things towards others, especially during hypomanic & manic states!

Has anyone found the opposite to be true, not so much during elated periods, but focussing most if not all negative behaviour & comments on yourself rather than others?

I have so little confidence at times & my self esteem is practically none existent. I've been married 11 years & love my husband so much, but I'm constantly finding reason for him to leave me, worry he's having an affair, think I'm too overweight, old, unattractive, mentally unstable, etc, etc...

So much so, I fear I'll push him away so I'm in control rather than risk him leave me & break my heart.

I worry I'll never be well enough to truly enjoy my life again & spend so much time thinking about suicide & taking all the emotional pain away.

I tried this 15 years ago, it wasn't nice & resulted in a long psychiatric hospital stay!

I'm not in the same emotional state & haven't been since then & can always find numerous justifications of why not to do it & therefore won't! 

My counseller told me it's a natural thing to think about, a way out from the emotional pain felt & not to worry about it as long as plans are not made & reasons for not carrying it through are present.

I'm so blooming down on myself...

I turn most things into a problem regarding myself!

Its not helpful & I worry I'll become a self fulfilling prophecy!

Bizarrely, despite the bipolar diagnosis, I'm actually an optimistic, bubbly person!

These characteristics are certainly initiated by low moods...

I rarely direct negativity towards others, just myself.

Anyone else like this?

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4 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Scottie,

    You are in a position where you self doubt yourself, and it hurts you, Remember, your husband is a Friend and with all best friends we tend to hurt them sometimes, but deep inside We love them to bits.

    If you worry that you will do something that people will talk about or embarass yourself, you are basically showing your sense of control and your fear of Losing it. Don't worry, I am there as a friend, and remember, these thoughts of losing control and self blame is like picking on a fresh wound, the more you do it, the more you will hurt and the longer it takes to heal.

    Take 5 minutes every 2  hours that you are awake to breathe for yourself, Slow and relaxed, it helps.

    Just concentrate during these 5 minutes on the Positive person that you are, and the Loving Friends and Husband.

    It will do you good. You are a wonderful person for sure, by the way you have expressed your concerns and you deserve to enjoy your life.

    Take care dear

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    • Posted

      Vijay, thank you so much, what a fabulous response, wonderfully wise & uplifting.

      I most certainly over analyse situations & peck away repetitively at my self confidence & esteem.

      I also have a tendency to think every situation created is because I am the way I am; absurdly ridiculous & I know it not to be true, yet telling my mind & convincing it, is another battle!

      Thank you for your words, I appreciate your thoughts & I will make the effort to follow your advice.

      Particularly as my confidence took another knock last night & has left me deflated today...

      I sincerely hope your days at present are manageable & you are feeling well.

      Signed with a smile...

      Justine ;0)

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  • Posted

    Hello Justine,

    I do hope you are feeling much better,

    And Know that we are all here for you, 

    Look after yourself, Try to make some time with your husband, Maybe a Romantic Movie, Or an Action one.... For him?

    Have a Nice Weekend.

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    • Posted

      Hello Vijay...

      Thank you for your supportive message.

      I'm actually doing ok, this is providing I'm not pushed out of my comfort zone.

      My husband is great with me, my insecurities are all in my head!

      He does the odd thing to create a wobble in me, however if my mindset was different I probably wouldn't even wobble then?!

      I am my own worst enemy, blooming bipolar creating a mindset that flattens my personality!

      Anyway, no doom & gloom!

      I hope you're ok?

      ;0)

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