1. Community
  2. Mental health
  3. Depression

Self loathing, truth or mere illusions?

Posted , 5 users are following.

nonsensepastel
nonsensepastel

Lately i've been drowning into the whirlpool again. By no means I will give up, no worries. But I am slowly ending up on doubting who I am and why am I this way. Paradoxes, mirror worlds and too many questions arise in my head. Perhaps I know too much?

?Here's what's going on...

?From a very young age I wasn't so much in control of what I was feeling or saying. I was myself only with my friends. But even then I was influenced for sure. Why am I saying this? Easy, because I find so many ''me's'' in my personality It hurts my brain to think of.Those me's are also images made by others, and the real me got lost in the copies. Just like documents. I am definitely not going for the phsychiatrist for this. I am too paranoid. To say it short, I hate the living hell out of myself but at the same time I fight to accept who I possibly am. Or preserve the little amount of innocence and honesty left within me. That turns me to the edge... I feel emotionally stressed out and shaken by mere thoughts of future. There are facts that come hand in hand with my worries. Facts told by close people to me. And if you wonder why I don't have a personal opinion is because I never had the capability of choosing for my own good in crucial situations. Trivial things are easy to choose, but here I'm talking about my inner self... Possibly this whole text wall doesn't explain much of what I want to say in order to get help. It is literally what I think exposed to you whomever might be reading... Who am I ? How do I find out and hold onto that self thight? No I am not a socio/psychopath. I am more than lively alive and manipulated by millions... it just hurts to know I am... I am sorry, I am probably not making sense. I just beg you please explain to me gaslighting in some way for me to convince my subconscious that I am not evil or a weak infant... I don't want to ask anyone else. I have a cluster of informations that make no sense to me... kinda like maths. Please help.

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • dawn57104
    dawn57104 nonsensepastel

    Posted

    Hi

    The very first part is you seeking help, well done for that. things will get easier. doeesnt matter what you think is right or wrong it is how you feel.

    Have you seen a gp? Are you on any meds for this?

    Maybe try to journal your thoughts then you  can arrange them and try to sort them, or just get the thoughts out of your head. it works for me. just a thought if you try it it may work for you too.

    Take care

  • georgeGG
    georgeGG nonsensepastel

    Posted

    Hi nonsensepastel,

    I found that there was me and the other me. Someone called there other me The Beast. I found that concept helpful. The Beast was not only miserable and grumpy but self destructive. I tried to keep the me dominating The Beast. It was diffcult. I was open about The Beast and after a dangerous delay got Therapy and medication. That led to a wonderful transformation.

    Wishing you well

  • jadie-leig62517
    jadie-leig62517 nonsensepastel

    Posted

    Hi nonsensepastel,

    I completely understand where you are coming from I've been there myself and I wasn't very happy in getting help as I thought I don't need it I'm strong enough myself but the people around me like my mom and my fiancé helped me and they supported my choices that I made.

    Make an appointment to see a gp and tell them how you feel and how scared you are even if it makes no sense at all or try writing it down in a journal and when you've finished that page you can either keep it or burn it or throw the page away.

    Have you even been diagnosed with anything? Such as personality disorder or Austim or aspergers

    Wishing you all the best

    • nonsensepastel
      nonsensepastel jadie-leig62517

      Posted

      i haven't been diagnosed ever... I don't know what's a gp. I am almost orphan. My mom isn't by my side as much as it may seem.

      If you wish, go read my very first post here. You'll hear about my past.

      Buring pages makes me feel like an occult girl....

      ?I am feeling so grossed out by myself ... I'll try tho to keep myself here

      ?Thank you

    • SLD35
      SLD35 nonsensepastel

      Posted

      Whatever or whoever you are, I believe you are suffering because of it and therefore, for no reason other than that, you need to see a psychiatrist to have a proper mental health assessment.

      I wish you well xx

      P.s a GP stands for General Practitioner in the UK. Some countries call this a Primary Care Giver I believe x

    • nonsensepastel
      nonsensepastel SLD35

      Posted

      Well I did go to few phsychologist and one said i'm just a teen, the other 3 were instead lying and blackmailing me. My mom is always making fun of me... and I am still underage, two months until I will debate whether I should suicide or not... I'm talking freely about this because I am not prepared to be an adult, I don't know how to get a psychiatrist to talk to me , no money... well stress... I'll just keep up with school I  guess...

    • SLD35
      SLD35 nonsensepastel

      Posted

      "just a teen" what a bloody insult!! Mental Health starts in teens in a lot of cases! Not to mention hormones! And as for your mother laughing at you-tgat is appalling! Try not to listen and don't contemplate suicide. You will find a way out of your turmoil! This won't last forever. Is there a school nurse or counselor you can talk to?

      You have to be 100% open though about your thoughts or you won't get taken seriously!

      If you feel you're close to ending it all - go to accident & emergency/ER.

      Don't give up xxx

    • nonsensepastel
      nonsensepastel SLD35

      Posted

      I will. I am actually having no nurse whatsoever. but I will try to walk myself to a emergency room in case I would attempt again... I am open about this here obviously because I still have a shine of hope... Life is not a sickness.
  • richard89308
    richard89308 nonsensepastel

    Posted

    you have lost your sense of self and been influenced too much by others views of yourself.  You need to learn to appreciate who you are and what you can do to make a contribution to a more fulfilling life for you and be happy again.
Back to top

Report or request deletion

Thanks for your help!

We want the community to be a useful resource for our users but it is important to remember that the community are not moderated or reviewed by doctors and so you should not rely on opinions or advice given by other users in respect of any healthcare matters. Always speak to your doctor before acting and in cases of emergency seek appropriate medical assistance immediately. Use of the community is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy and steps will be taken to remove posts identified as being in breach of those terms.