Self-sabotaging, depression, help?
Posted , 8 users are following.
I’m a 25 year old male.
I’ve had issues with my mental health since as far back as I can remember, I always thought what I was feeling would just go away after time but it’s gradually got worse
I have a 3 year old son who I love more than anything else in the world, he’s my best friend, he’s the only positive thing I have and I know it sound a bit cliche, but he’s literally the only thing I live for - I can’t do it to him, I see how much he loves and adores me and I just can’t break his heart by not being there for him. But when I’m not with him (he stays with me 3 nights a week) the dominant feeling inside me is that I no longer want to exist, I don’t want to deal with any other part of my life other than my son, I make bad decisions on a daily basis even though I know they’re bad and I don’t want to do them, there’s like this overwhelming feeling inside me that makes me do them (if that makes any sense at all) - I have lost two jobs due to depression and having to take time off, I am barely hanging on in my new one - people think I’m lazy and don’t want to work but I can’t explain to them I just can’t do it, I need money to support my boy and that’s why I need to work but every single minute being around people and dealing with things is gruelling and terrifying, I want the ground to open up and take me away.
I feel worthless, I don’t see any good in me as a person, I feel I am horrible and selfish and no-one likes me. I constantly avoid confrontations, talking to people, even small things like going to the shop and asking for something is incredibly difficult, my heart pounds and I sweat like I’m about to enter a battlefield. I hide away in the toilet for my lunch breaks etc and I feel so pathetic, like a coward, I see family and friends doing so well in life and being confident and outgoing and I wish it could be me.
I hate everything about myself except that I have a beautiful little boy who deserves a happy life and I’m scared he won’t have that with me being his dad. I feel I can’t work due to my issues but I need to. I feel as though people think I’m lying to get out of doing stuff and/or I’m lazy but I’m not, I wish more than anything I could feel happy or even just comfortable within myself, don’t need to be head over heels happy, just content as a person but I’m so far deep with so many problems that I’ve created myself I feel like that day is never going to come
3 likes, 6 replies
yasmine333 garry1506
Posted
So sorry that you're going 0through this. Reading that was crazy for me because that's exactly how I feel but never been able to put it into words as clearly as you have. I'm the same age as you I've been in & out of work the past few months due to my depression which then causes financial troubles so you feel even more stressed & worried so but physically can't face working so it's one vicious cycle that I'm currently trying to break.
You have acknowledged that you have an amazing gift - your son. Him alone will give you reason to keep going every day even when you feel like you can't. You're everything to that little boy & it must be lovely to have someone that makes life worth it. This doesn't make things any easier to deal with but you have a reason to get up everyday & to not give up.
Have you spoken to your doctor? You need to get as much help & support as you can don't feel like you can't ask for help cos coping on your own is tough & you don't need to. I know you want to do your best for your son but you need to look after yourself as well!
Message me anytime x
Adldiane garry1506
Posted
Garry I can feel your pain I know how it feels to be so depressed that you are paralyzed and no matter how hard you try you can't get motivated to move forward. I am so thankful that you have your precious son. Our children have a way of keeping us going when nothing else can! Have you thought about calling a doctor and trying some antidepressants? I have had great success with therapy getting down to the issues underneath that are causing the anxiety and depression. And though it takes time the work for me has paid off in spades! So glad that you wrote us. We care and hope you will keep us posted. Diane
ryan03648 garry1506
Posted
Hi Garry,
you've done the first step in talking about you're problems you are facing, well done. I too fell exactly the same as you. Over the years I've gradually got worse, last October i sold my house and moved back to my parents, cleared my debt and put some money in the bank thinking this would help. I was wrong i now feel selfish i have 3 beautiful girls and I've let them down so much they moved into a rented house because of me because i couldn't force myself to go to work and pay the bills. its definately not lazziness i want to work but my problem is confidense around people, at times i don't want to be here, i feel useless and a waste of space. Ive been seeing my doctor since last November and he's been great with me, I'm on a drug called Sertaline which is an anti-depressant it isn't a miracle cure but can take the edge of things. My doctor referred me to psychiatrist but on the waiting list, been for a assesment first and was good to talk to a complete stranger, my doctor is great but i held back a little as he's a family doctor and didn't want to open up to much. You like me have something amazing in our lifes, our children. Im glad you have you're little boy to focus on. I'm on a benefit called Employment support allowance its only £70 a week (depending on circumstances) but if that helps you out till you feel well enough to go back to work I've set myself for January 2018 to be the start of the new me and get back out there and be a part of something, be counted and enjoy life again, go to work have nice holidays and provide better for my kids. Im not giving up to this illness I'm going to kick it next year for good. (fingers crossed) hope you can take something from this and seek the help you need because its not an embarrassment having depression. Good Luck, message me anytime you need to chat.
hypercat garry1506
Posted
Hi I get this totally Garry. I have never had anyone who 'gets' me and people have often thought of me as lazy as well. I feel as is I am punished twice - once for the depression and again by the lack of understanding and the will to understand from the people in my life. I feel no one would miss me if I wasn't here.
I have been out tonight socially and I am sure I was being treated as a joke by others and they were giggling and laughing behind my back at me. I don't know what I have ever done to them. They seemed to see me as an easy target and I don't know why. If I stay on my own I am lonely. When I make the effort to go out I get ridiculed. It would be nice not to be so I am thinking of dropping those friends and just stay in of an evening instead. Being lonely is better than being made fun of after all.
Sorry I can't offer you anything but I hope your life gets better.
Adldiane hypercat
Posted
The Hypercat that I know on here is such a cool person sees things and expresses herself in such a way that is different and interesting. To hear that people make fun of you makes me so...mad I want to scream at them and ask if they are blind..dumb and stupid?? And of course I don't have to ask. I already know that they are small people with no imagination!! I wish we could all get together and be friends. I like you Hypercat. Diane
wayne1962 garry1506
Posted
Hi Garry - I'm so sorry you are suffering. The advice given here is the best you'll get. See your doc. explain what is happening. Meds may be prescribed to help balance your mood and deal with the anxiety. Are there any issues in your past that have burdened you? A difficult childhood? A traumatic event? A referral to a therapist/counsellor or psychologist can help with that. Help is out there. Seeking it is the responsible thing to do. You will feel more empowered, you will learn about yourself, and you will learn to recognise any triggers for depression. Problems in life will be easier to tackle - one at a time. Best of all, you will be there for your beautiful little boy.