Serve Anxiety. I really don't feel like it's getting better.
Posted , 5 users are following.
I sent this email a few days ago detailing my story to an anxiety specialist. I feel really deteched and warn out. I really hope someone can help me. Anyway here's the message.
My name is Joe Collins I'm 19 and I'm from a little town in the north east of England called Newton Aycliffe which is situated in County Durham. My story is quite a long drawn out one but I need I need to express an overview in this email as your team can hopefully get a basis on who I am.
I was a very happy child. I had a very loving father who made me always feel like the most important person in the world. I never had a care in the world growing up, I grasped life with two hands. I loved travelling going on family holidays and spending days with my amazing grandparents on country walks amongst other activities. This all started to change slowly as I entered my teenage years. Increasingly at secondary school my self confidence and self esteem became non existent persistent bullying and being put down really made me feel worthless. My life started getting better then the death of Grandfather occurred in 2008 really put a big dent on my life in general. Nevertheless eventually I felt better and continued on. I completed school in 2011 and started attending a Sixth Form College. Life started to get really happy again for me. I was travelling up and down the country attending wrestling shows, was always seen as the life of a party, I was content. Then in 2012 my beloved grandmother who was my mother figure (as my own mother was an alcoholic who never really set a good example) passed away suddenly from cancer which was only detected three weeks prior. I was crushed mentally. A big part of my life started to felt empty over night. My mother became increasingly hostile towards me. Hurling abuse that I was useless and that I was never going to amount to anything, but was very clever and in public put on an image she was a good mother while behind close doors she'd take her anger out on me. After the death of my grandmother I increasingly got into the wrong crowd of people. I started smoking cannabis regularly and taking part in other recreational drug use such as ecstasy. This started my spiral into Panic Attacks. After a few months of this lifestyle I met a girl and we started dating. She eventually fell pregnant. Without my knowledge she had an Abortion only for me to find out a few months later. I was heartbroken once again. I decided to make a fresh start and enrolled for the Navy. Unfortunately I failed my tests and had to wait six months to reapply. I felt dejected and fed up. So I went back to smoking cannabis. I always remember the 28th of January 2013 changed my life. I had been drinking heavy with friends and smoking cannabis. Then suddenly I got started to get very weird sensations dry mouth it felt like my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth I was sweating frightened I may die this was my first panic attack.
This first panic attack Occurred and I thought to myself dear me that wasn't nice but I shrugged it off and continued my life as normal for a few weeks. Then it happened again the same sensations of fear that my throat was closing up. Dry mouth finding it hard to breathe. I was worried something was seriously wrong with me. I spent more time in my GP surgery than I did in my own house. I had to leave college as this all became too much for me. More and more I resigned myself to my bedroom. The Panic Attacks were occurring everyday by this point sometimes for hours on end. The same symptoms the same feeling that I was going to die. I was miserable. Eventually in May 2013 I became a born again Christian and it seriously helped my self esteem and spiritually I felt having God in my life was the step for overcoming this anxiety all together. Still the panic attacks occurred most days but by this point I had met my first long term girlfriend through church. Having her by my side made me feel increasingly more confident to be able too go out and socialise and have a plan for my life. Life was getting easier I was still having panic attacks but I didn't feel as bad. And didn't need to visit my GP as much.
My home life during this point was increasingly getting worse though. My mother was incredibly hostile towards me and didn't ever give me a hug or show any affection when I was suffering telling me I was a failure and at a loss. This lead eventually to my parents splitting up as my mother became increasingly cruel to me and my Father. She said she never wanted to see me again as of this email I haven't spoke to her for 11 months. Which as a Christian I'm sad about as forgiveness is a big part of moving forward for me. Life got even worse after my parents divorce as my girlfriend left me when she went to University. I was heartbroken and lost. My panic attacks got worse and worse again. Although this was the case I was attending college again and managing to do my studies. With a calmer home life. And a direction and plan for my life continuing my studies I felt okay again! I was exercising everyday. I felt great and panic wasn't at the stop of my agenda.
Then a few months ago. After having a couple of beers after a world cup game. My house was egged in mindless attack. This at the time didn't set me back, as I decided to cut these people who did this out of my life for good. And I just tried to continue on. I felt I was slipping back into my old ways though. I stopped attending Church Increasingly I was drinking more and more. And life felt and seemed very scary. I'm back in church now. But my panic attacks are worse than ever. I went to visit my brother in the city in Newcastle about 40 miles from my house. I lasted about an Hour in the pub before I needed to go home. I was making a weird snorking noise trying to catch my breath. I felt I couldn't control my breathing. The shortness of breath was crippling. I really thought I was going to die. This has occurred everytime I've left the house since. I can't even goto the local supermarket without feeling afraid I might die. My life is just a painful existence. I can't enjoy anything social as I'm too afraid and I'm really at a wits end of what to do. My Father is lost and upset as he feels he can't help me either. I get panic attacks constantly. I been put of medication but it's not helping, I've cut out alcohol tried to spiritually find myself again. I've done everything in my power to try stop these panic attacks. Nothing has worked though. My life feels one depressing long battle and Charles I really feel at rock bottom like this isn't getting any better any time soon. I really can't afford the money to buy your program to start helping me. This is my plea to your team to help me. Only months ago I was very confident very happy and wanted to help people who have suffered from anxiety and depression showing them there is a different way to life through God. I can't do that now. I'm just stuck in a cycle of fear and dread. I really need help desperately as I can't go on much longer like this. In the last week I really considered weither or not to end my own life. (I've been talked round this then) I just don't enjoy anything anymore Charles. I really seriously need your help. I hope you can find some empathy with my story and help me. As being too afraid to come out my room 24/7 isn't an existence.
0 likes, 5 replies
bennyv joeycollins
Posted
joeycollins bennyv
Posted
bennyv joeycollins
Posted
elizabeth20203 joeycollins
Posted
susan63652 joeycollins
Posted