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Ever since I was a child I have worried significantly about losing a loved one. I would worry myself sick that my mom would die from the age of about 6 by suicide if she had had an argument with my dad to being in a car accident.
I'm now in a relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years (I'm 25) and I truly love him more than anything. He is my best friend and I don't know what I'd do without him. I get so anxious about him dying and it can be truly debilitating and I rarely go out socialising in case anything happens to him whilst I'm out and I'm not there to call an ambulance for him. My mind manages to turn any typical activity into a thing of grief - if I'm picking clothes out for work I get thoughts like "this could be you picking clothes for his funeral", or if I'm shutting my laptop down I will think "he bought this laptop for me. Imagine if he died, how would I feel about the laptop then" and other weird, random, upsetting things.
He is a healthy person - goes to the gym 4 times a week, eats well, doesn't smoke and rarely drinks - so although I don't worry about losing him to illness very often I am constantly plagued by thoughts of losing him to an accident or being attacked. Tomorrow he is going somewhere with his dad for work which will involve them driving on the motorway and I instantly felt sick and cold when he mentioned it. All night I have been on the verge of tears and feeling down and irritable - I didn't want to talk to him (not in an angry way, I just felt too anxious to talk) but at the same time I want nothing more than to talk with him all night in case it's the last time.
If anyone can offer any advice at all I would be really grateful. I have recently started therapy which I don't feel is helping much and I've joined the gym which has made my anxiety attacks less frequent but I still have periods like this which can last for days. I feel like I'm at my wits end - I don't want to be stuck in these loops of anxiety for the rest of my life rather than enjoying my relationship, my work, and my friends.
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