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Severe depression and anxiety. Panic attack disorder and suicide attempt survivor.

Posted , 4 users are following.

rosetta1101
rosetta1101

I have a 9 year history with these aweful illnesses. I have been on every medication out there. Tried exercise and diet therapy, counseling, self help, and nothing at all. I have a l ways been the strong person who took care of everyone and one day something in me broke. At this point depression and anxiety have become something like roommates to me. Its the panic attacks that have been crippling me. I havnt worked in 8 months and i have been working since i was 15. I am 28 now. I have been evicted and have pretty much list everything. I cant maintain a social life and it embarasses me so much i cut people off. Even heathcare workers arent sympathetic to it. Im tired of hearing its all in your head. I would never choose to live like this. I am becomming a recluse. I used to be so vibrant, the lufe of the party. I just want me back. Some form at least. Even if i could function in society i would be as greatful as one could be. Any advice? Anything at all.

1 like, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • kirsty12709
    kirsty12709 rosetta1101

    Posted

    My only advice would be to talk, but talk to someone you trust, someone who understands you and won't judge you! Don't beat yourself up or be hard on yourself, take every hour at a time, remember no mater how dark things seems right now, it definitely does not mean your whole life has to be this way. I've suffered since I was 11 (now 37) believe me, I have been in the dark, but the light can and will come for you!! Has anything helped you in the past? Any therapy at all, any diversion any one person that just can understand you?

    Thinking of you Kirsty x

    • rosetta1101
      rosetta1101 kirsty12709

      Posted

      No. There has been no relief. Every year its worse and worse. About 3 days ago a had a panic attack so severe that lasted hours. All together i took 3mg of xanax and it still wouldnt stop. I went to the er and they gave me an additional 2mg of ativan and nothing. They sent ne home that way because they said there was nothing more they could do, it was in ny head, i needed to stop shaking, and control it. I have panic attacks very frequently, but its also the fear of having one that will throw me into one. Its a terrible loop.
    • kirsty12709
      kirsty12709 rosetta1101

      Posted

      Oh Rosetta I am so sorry you are going through such an awful time. This may come as no comfort to you but when I was younger I was having panic attacks throughout the day too. Ones where I would run up and down the street in blind panic, ones where I would jump off a bus and lay on a pavement, my life was hell! I'm very lucky that I have great family around me who helped me through this, do you have family or friends you can go to?

      I was treated with intense cognitive behaviour therapy twice a week and finally it helped! Obviously I'm here so I'm not cured, but I did get out of that incredibly dark time, I just wanted to tell you that story, it may not have helped at all, but I wanted to show you some light.

      Kirsty x

  • borderriever
    borderriever rosetta1101

    Posted

    Rosetta

    Sorry you have had such a problem with these conditions.

    Like you I tried Suicide aound ten years ago brought on by a Chronic Disability and a very rough upbringing etc. There is never any real sympathy to a Suicide fail or a positive outcome. The people around us have such raw feelings and they can feel many negative feelings it becomes difficult for them to be able to trust us.

    For example I had a low period because of my poor memory, and my wife called the Crisis team and had walked out before they arrived so next day I had the full pressure fom the team when they came the next day. I had tests over a five week period and the found it was not Dementia it was a Conjenital Short Term Memory Disorder. We never seem to be forgiven for our past suicide attemps.

    I suppose what with you Suicide attempt and your Panic Attacks and Anxiety and associated Depression you are not really a fun peson to know, You do not explain what your Anxiety Condition amounts to.

    You need to undestand and work out what caused your Depession and address the cause, Does your Anxiety relate to your Depression and Panic attacks as you need to address all this negativity. You also say you you were the life and soul of the party, Personally you do not explain any causes or why you have been sunk with all your negativity ?

    How can I help

    BOB

    • rosetta1101
      rosetta1101 borderriever

      Posted

      You are very correct with the fact that we are never forgiven for attempting suicide. Although my attempt wasnt nearly as long ago as yours, i am not aloud to show emotion now. A friend could tell i was feeling low. Yhis friend always told me to call him any hour of the day or night for anything. Well, i called him to talk very late one night and i was extremely emotional. After we hung up i went to sleep with my phone on silent. I guess he tried to call me back and i didnt answer. So, he called the cops to do a well check instead of coming himself if he was that busy. They busted in my neighbors door going to the wrong apartment. Now i am evicted from my apartment and no one will rent to me because i have no job.

      As far as a background, i had a very rough childhood with parental addiction, abuse, and molestation. I raised my siblings from the age 8. I was left to care for a 1 year old and although my brother is 2 years older than i, i was the caretaker. I was a rebellious teen who got pregnant at 15. Never had a childhood. None of that stopped me though. I went on to college and became a nurse. I was in a relationship with a bad alcoholic at this time. Something in me literally just broke one day. I literally had a mental break down that lasted 12 days. 12 days of constant panic. No amount of benzo would touch me. I couldnt be alone, couldnt sleep more than 15 min, didnt eat for 2 weeks, was so week i needed help to bathe. I have bever been the same. Its like my psyche gave up. Talk about a living hell. And since then i have been through a few bad relationships and my family either uses me or acts like i dont exist. I hope i have clarified a few things for you and didnt just ramble on.

    • borderriever
      borderriever rosetta1101

      Posted

      Rosetta

      Sorry life has been so bad, I am now a Pensioner and we reached a time in our lives that enabled up to walk away from my Family Members, in some ways it was very sad we had to disappear so we did not tell any of my family even the nice ones where we moved from. I sold an old family property and now we are in an adapted Detached Bungalow for my disability, My Wifes Family know where we are and we are even of the Council lists etc so we have started again and we now do not know if my family is alive or dead.

      I know it sounds cruel, we needed to get away from negativity and greed.

      Good Luck

      BOB

    • rosetta1101
      rosetta1101 borderriever

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately i do not have the finds or a person to go off with. Im pretty stuck right now. I just wish i could work again. I feel if i could do that then some things would fall vack into place and make life a bit easier to deal with. Disability keeps denying me because i have an ilness that isnt visible on any scan. A lot of us are labeled fakers and lazy. Its such a sad world with no empathy.
    • borderriever
      borderriever rosetta1101

      Posted

      Rosetta

      My condition does not show generally as it effects the tendon and tendo shieves, I also have problems with minor small joints and spine and neck.

      I suffer PsA and have gone through Pain Clinics and Rhumatologists, it is a condition where my immune system attacks my joints so I suffer from assoctiated Reactive Depression.

      I went through the same as you because they could not see the early stages of my disability. so I feel for you

      BOB

    • kirsty12709
      kirsty12709 rosetta1101

      Posted

      I'm so sorry to read this, I really wish there were something I could do I help you. I will always endeavour to write back to you on here if that helps at all?

      I may live in another part of the world I think (I'm in Britain) but know you have someone here

      Kirsty x

  • jill67883
    jill67883 rosetta1101

    Posted

    Depression is bad enough but the anxiety that comes with it is deadly.  I know, I recently experienced it.  What helped me?  Abilify.  I found a psychiatrist.  I told the psychiatrist exactly how I felt (and it was bad, very bad).  Hospitalization is very difficult to get because you have to be assessed by a crisis intervention team and then wait for a room (if you have a mental health advocate who can refer you to a hospital that is not a serious lock down situation for those with severe illness).  My psychiatrist intervened: she put me on Abilify, I am splitting a 2 MG tab in half every day, going to start the whole pill tomorrow.  This drug is saving my sanity and allowing me to be almost free of the horrible anxiety so I can actually benefit from "talk" therapy. If you have a teaching hospital near you then call the outpatient psychiatric department and see if you can get an appointment.  If you are in the US and don't have health insurance, a large teaching hospital does have staff available to help you apply for state assisted insurance (medicaid).  Xanax didn't help my anxiety either, it was too big.  You have to help yourself, you have to take whatever steps are necessary for you to get the proper intervention.  I don't know what would have happened had I not done this, it's very important to take care of yourself.

    • rosetta1101
      rosetta1101 jill67883

      Posted

      I ave taken all these steps. Every med, coubseling, hospitalization. You name it, i have done it. Nothing has touched it. I feel there is no light. I have been sent to multiple doctors from other doctors who say they have no idea how to help me anymore.
    • Purpledobermann
      Purpledobermann rosetta1101

      Posted

      Dear rosetta1101...Can you please describe the manner of therapy that was attempted? An example of a medication you were given and how long you took it and in combination with what?

      You are so shaken now that the safest way to go about it is to find a medication that works or a combo that works to soothe and stabilise you just enough so that you can start regrouping through therapy and positive experience. You must be attended to now so as to enable you to work asap - for your sense of security, feeling more hopeful and motivated and stronger to pull through the legacy you have sadly been left with. You are young enough to be able to hope for a total turnaround. The fact that you have one suicide attempt should be reason to attend to you more closely and not leve you out in the rain. But whatever the case, time to demand what you need seeing that you are not attended to by those who should know better.

      Very important - you are otherwise medically sound? You do not have anemia, thyroid issues or any other conditions? Has this all been checked throughout this whole deal?

      If you can get a good psychiatrist to help now, within 4-6 months you will be back up and running slowly but progressively.

      There is NO WAY that with properly administered medication you can escalate the way you did. Something, somewhere along the line was done wrong. Either by a doctor or your own refusal to cooperate with them. Please take the initiative to seek out a doctor you are comfortable enough with and do yourself a favor. You are suffering needlessly. Panic attacks can be curbed and then everything else will be easier to process and even rise above.

      You had a rough time. But you are not just leftovers of your neglected, abused self. You quite literally evolve into a new person every day. And that person can actually pull off anything she wants if she just gets stubborn about it. And the only reason I know this is because you raised a baby when you yourself were a hurt baby , you pulled through all this time despite your notable ordeals, made space for making your own mistakes and bad choices (great sign of being alive and in charge of your own life actually) aaaand you are still here to tell. That is more than enough info but also along with the fact that you are reaching out -  it all signals that you are not done. You are not even afraid. You are just reeling and looking for something to latch on to. The bad turn of events will turn again. This is not pep-talk. Just intuition. And some experience smile

      xxx

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