Sexual Abuse

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I don't really want to talk about this , however it has started to really get to me after all these years. I am a man so it seems that our society has a tough time accepting the fact that a man can be sexually abused, even more so that it was at the hands of a doctor. A doctor that I trusted to do what is right for me when it comes to my health. This is why it is so difficult of a thing to deal with. It was many years ago at a well known clinic that this happened. I went to see this doctor at the age of 16. I was really a naive young man. I had a problem with cloudy urine, not sure what was wrong. I figured maybe an infection of some kind. This doctor wanted to check my prostate to see if it was swollen and also wanted a sample of fluid from it. So not really knowing how this is done, I did as instructed. I was told to remove my clothes and a DRE would be performed then he would collect a sample of fluid by milking my prostate. I figured this would be a quick thing to do and wanted to get it over with. So during the DRE he began trying to get fluid from my Prostate. I really can't go into detail at this point, but it lasted a real long time and it involved some touching of my penis as well that was really unprofessional to say the least. I went home after and felt really violated and upset. I just wanted to forget it ever happened. Latter I heard on the new that my doctor had lost his license because of what he had done to other young men and their stories matched mine to a T. For years I have blocked it out but recently I realized that I can no longer go to male doctors when it comes to exams below the waist. I have tried to change most of my doctors to women because of this lack of trust that I have.I have reached out for help calling a hot line for abused people and they didn't take me seriously, so how do I get some counseling for this problem. I really shouldn't have to pay for it because I was a victim I think the clinic should pay for it, but it was so long ago that the limitations have long sinse expired. I didn't come forward because I felt creepy about it and I told myself it was no big deal. Well it is when you can't trust a doctor to see you and some times I cry about it. I am a 47 year old man that crys about something that happened so many years ago. What can I do now?

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  • Posted

    Okay i totally got it, Do you want relief of what happened?
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    • Posted

      I am looking for counseling for this problem so I can trust doctors again. It isn't good that I avoid doctors as I have some serious medical conditions but I tend to cancel my appointments a day before hand due to fear. I have a problem now with my Prostate and I would just rather wait until I need to go to the hospital to do something about it. It isn't healthy to be this way.
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  • Posted

    Hi Craig,

    I am a sex abuse survivor of a priest.  I was abused at the same age you were.  I never forgot the sexual assaults but life got busy and they were moved to the background of my life.  At age 42 enough dots were connected that I emerged as a victim and filed a civil case and eventually prevailed in court.  I also was involved in a criminal case where I prevailed.  The perpetrator recently die incarcerated.  

    While emerging on the subject of sexual assault I helped start a support group in the Boston area for abuse survivors or clergy (SNAPnetwork.org).  Over many years I have spoken with many hundreds of people on this topic.

    Your story played out similar to many.  They are abused young.  They go along with the abuse because at the time the label abuse was not in your vocabulary.  You where an innocent, trusting kid.  It took years before you even uttered the word abuse..

    Now what?  Depending on the state you are in you might beable to file a lawsuit but maybe not.  In some states medical professional are protected.  As a result those states have the most perpetrators.

    How can I support you move forward?  As a victim you are in a unique position to use that experience to elevate you higher than where the shame is driving you.

    Because of the power differencial you can not be on a level playing ground with that doctor.  What you experienced might have had a sexual component but it was not concentual. 

    Once you go go public with your story with a therapist or other your statutes of limitations clock starts ticking.  So, if you think you are outside of your statues and have a case I would see a lawyer to confirm. 

    Coming forward with a law suit was the best thing I ever did for myself.  If you need to email or need support contact me directly.

    My best and take care of yourself,

    Dave A

    Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the email address as we do not publish these in the forums. If users wish to exchange contact details please use the Private Message service.

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    • Posted

      Hi Dave 

      I wonder if you know of any groups for people abused by medical professionals. I am from Finland originally, but have also lived in the US. I have lived in FInland for the past year and before that I lived in Chicago. I was abused by  a doctor at Oulu University Hospital in Northern Finland when given too much fentanyl after falling of a horse and fracturing four ribs in January this year. I was nearly unconscious and a female doctor (ca 50 years old) asked me disgusting sexual questions in front of 9 people and provoked me to talk about sexual things, while I was heavily sedated, nobody would ever discuss with any stranger. Nine people were watching and nobody intervened. Actually on the contrary, two older nurses (a male and a female) urged her to continue and I was abused even more. I have been truly traumatized by this and have been in trauma therapy almost since the day it happened. 

      I wonder if you know of any support group or of any people with similar situation to mine that I could talk to. I have not received any proper therapy in Finland and a female psychiatrist just almost dismissed my case (today 6.2.2017) as I was not able to tell her that much. 

      Would really appreciate your help as I have noticed that I have the symptoms of PTSD that can be quite severe and have lasted for too long. Talking to other people with similar experiences I think could be of great benefit. 

      Hopefully you have time to get in thouch 

      Best Liisa 

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  • Posted

    As you have already identified yourself, going for counselling would be of great benefit to you.

    You really need help to be able to deal with these feelings.

    Don't forget though you are the victim here and you did absolutely nothing wrong and nothing to warrant the abuse you suffered.

    If you are in the UK then you have the option of trying to get a referral from a GP or as anywhere else in the world the option of going private and paying for the counselling.

    Having had to use private services in the UK I can say it is around £40-£50ph. A fair amount of money per session but money which would be very well spent.

    I do hope you find a counsellor to help you begin the process of recovering, if that is the right word, from this and begin to heal

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    • Posted

      Thank you, I have contacted a help line but I am unsure if they believe me. I couln't figure out why I was so scared that I was shaking before a colonoscopy. I even yelled at the nurse and didn't know why I was acting this way. It was fear, all along. This has managed to cause damage that I didn't even know was there. I intend to get help for it I just wish I had realized it sooner.
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  • Posted

    Hi Craig,

    The colonoscopy has provided an opportunity to have you witness an issue that could have been hidden for years.  I'm sure the nurse gets yelled at from others and she probably understands that the proceedure doesn't have people at their best.  Patients have also been deprived of food for about 24 hours which by itself can put someone on edge.

    The mainstream population feels that sexual assualt victims are simply screwed up and need several lifetimes of therapy.  The truth of the matter is that some victims emerge to be survivors or even thrivers because they have used their bad experience to learn from. In one way it can actually be exciting to connect a few dots and start understanding what makes you tick.

    In my case many have a wiser sence of the role religion plays in one's life.  Many no long participate in organized religion but some do.  

    For you, it would be helpful for you to develop an appreciation for the service doctors provide because resistant to medical care (or examinations) could be life  threatening.  

    For years I was listed on a nation hotline offering support to clergy abuse victims.  There seemed to be stages victims went through much like people greaving.  When you start becomeing aware of damages there can be a lot of mental energy on the topic.  But eventually you start to simply get used to things with your new found awareness.  The interesting thing with sexual assault is that it seems like your sense of awareness evolves.  It's like you never completely get to the end of discovery.

    One of the most common symtoms of sexual assault victims is substance abuse.  Some survivors can become sexually promisquous while others are very turned off by any sexual encounter.  Some develop a kind of oppositinoal defiance making it hard to work for anyone who is a superior over them.  Clergy abuse victims sometimes have trouble with psychotherapists because in a way they are like secular priests.

    So, there is a lot of mystery on the subject but even having a name on it can bring some joy.

    Sexual assault is often the result of a "culture" supporting the behavior.  There is rarely one victim.  A sexual perpetrator doesn't just abuse one person.  In fact, statistics have shown that by the time the first person emerges over 100 have been victomized.  Sexual assault is one of the mose under reported crimes.

    There is a possiblity that you could come forward legally.  That that would accomplish is put the hospital on notice that it has in the past suppoted such behavior.  The the perpetrator still alive?

    A lot depends on your state and the laws that goven statues of limitations.  But, usually statues state when the victim becomes away of damages.  In  your case it hasn't been that long. 

    It all depends on what state you are in since the laws are different.

    You might find value in seeing the movie Spotlight.  Even though it's about the Catholic sexual abuse scandal in Boston it shows how a culture can support such behavior.  FYI:  I was one of the first victims to emerge in the Boston Diocese sex abuse scandal and what has ended up as a movie I helped cause in real life.

    Let me know what state you live in sense service can be available to you.  I'm connected with a lot of lawyers nationally who specialize on sexual assault litagation.  You might not want to sue the hospital or medical practice but there might be some mental health services available through another source.

    My best,

    Dave L  

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    • Posted

      I was probably 16 years old when it happened and now I am 47. It took this long for it to surface. It was said that this doctor may have done this to as many as 200 men during his practice. I know he probably did this because he was abused as well. I feel sorry for him. I live in the Pac. Northwest United States. Sorry rather not give a specific location. I really don't want any one to know. I just need counseling but I don't think I should have to pay for it because of the situation. I don't think I have any legal recourse at this point. I am sorry that you were victimized as well. It shouldn't happen to anyone. There seems to be still little recognition for male victims, but I was 16. How was I supposed to know what he was doing was wrong. He told me it was needed to get a sample. I feel so stupid. Any contact for help would be appreciated.
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    • Posted

      One good source is the organizion called Male Survivor.  I believe their webiste is www.malesurvivor.org.  They are very well respected.  What I like about the is that they deal with male sexual assualt issues without the issue of religion.  Being abused by a priest can color things a little but sexual assualt is sexual assualt.  They have a discussion board that you might find helpful.

      My emerging on the subject of sexual abuse probably was the best thing I ever did.  It really defined who I was (a fighter).  I have taken that skill to other areanas  as well (mostly enviromental stuff).

      The Pacific Northwest is fairly evolved on the subject and their laws are somewhat advanced.  In addidtion to my real work (medical magazine publisher) I do the social media work for a law firm in Dallas that deals with sexual assualt.  It's a very long story how I got hooked up with them but as a result I learn a lot about the subject outside of my own situation.

      You can start with a rape crisis center.  They are used to dealing with this topic but they might not be the untimate expert  you need.

      There is the possibility that you could legally come forward due to the fact that you recently 'becames aware' of damages as a result of the doctor you went to.  I'm not pushing here but I know a lot about this topic.

      I'm in Massachusetts (another progressive state) and a victim can file an action within 3 years of 'becoming aware' of damages.  So, even though your actual abuse happened 30 years ago  you could still be ok with your statutes of limitations.  The key question would be, "who have your told and when".  In other words if you told a therapist 10 years ago then it would appear that you have known of your damages for tool long.  Don't let me push you in this direction if you don't want to go there.

      The Rape Crisis center should be able to help you with services.  There could even be a men's group in your area.  Suffering in silence is not helpful.  Male Survivors offer weekend workshops all over the country.  I have heard they are wonderful.  Most peole who attend have told me that they really got grounded and for once felt very 'normal' meeting other guys with similar experiences.

      Just realize there is light at the end of this tunnel.  I've been through 1 civil case and 2 criminal cases.  I ordanized all the victims of the same perpetrator and we landed him in jail where he recently died.

      Is your perpetrator still alive?  Changes are that his practices were known but the culture did nothing most likely becuase he was too powerful.

      Feel free to ask me any more informaiton.  

      Regards,

      Dave L

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    • Posted

      I appreciate all of this, thank you. I will contact the male survivor and see if there is help in my area. I just recently realized how it has affected me and I have told my mother about it. Needles to say she was horrified and upset that I didn't tell her back then, but I tried. I just couldn't get the graphic details out so she thought it was no big deal. I just recently asked a therapist for help and have not heard back from them. I have to wonder if they are some how connected to that clinic. So if the 3 years is something that is recognized in our state then the clock is ticking. As far as I know this doctor is still alive, but at least he isn't able to see patients anymore as his license had been suspended when I checked. He was in a great situation to abuse because he is a doctor and few people would question his reasons for invasive exams. It made it easy for him to victimize his younger male patients. It's odd, but my ex wife had been raped at the age of 14. When we were together neither of us knew about the other. I found out about the rape several years into our mariage and she still doesn't know about me. I wonder if people who have been through these things some how find each other. Just a thought. I really don't want anyone I know other than my family to find out what happened to me. This is why I don't want to make a case about it. However, counseling is expensive and my insurance doesn't cover it. I don't think I should have to pay as a result of that doctor. I think the clinic should cover my expenses. I don't think I could face this man in court. I didn't even want to look it up on the internet. I felt sick to my stomach when I pushed myself to do it. I understand why it is so hard for rape victims to face their attacker in court. If I can't get counseling for this then I may have to look into legal means to get it. Thanks for your help Dave. You have such a great outlook on things.
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  • Posted

    Hi Craig,

    Self preservation is VERY important at this time.  I would recommend that you contact your local rape crisis center for starters.  They are funded locally and it should not cost you anything.  Do this for starters. They are experts in this field.

    Male Survivor I doubt will have someone local.  If they do then it's by chance.  They offer a bulletin board where people post their stories much like you did on this site.  The advantage of Male Survivor is that you will get opinion from other men who have been abused.  Maybe referrals.

    Let me explain something that might be helpful:  There is 'repressed' memory and 'supressed' memory.  Repressed memory is when after a traumatic event you have no recollection of the event until many years later when it bubbles to the surface and hits you like a ton of bricks.  This usually happens to people who have been abused before adolesence but not always.

    Suppressed memory is more common.  It's when the victim never forgets the event but it goes on the back burner of life because, quite frankly, other things are more demanding happen; going to college, getting married, having kids, etc.  Then at a certain time connections are made, you have seen something on TV or at the movies or read about sexaul assault, and suddently you have a lightbulb moment and you realize that because of an event many years ago you are dealing with painful events or behaviors now.  That is often when you get a strong energy flow of emotions.

    DO NOT CALL THE CLINIC OR THE FORMER EMPLOYER OF THE DOCTOR.  If you do that will be the biggest mistake you will make.  

    If you do then you are putting them at notice and the next call that they will make is their defense attorney.  You will end up speaking with a very nice person who sounds very understanding but the phone call will be recorded and you will be asked questions that will trap you into possibly revealing information that will disquaify you from filing a civil case.  This happens all the time.  Unfortunately, this is the job of a defense attorney.  They are paid very well to discredit a claim.

    You could be asked, "Did you even tell anyone that you had this uncomfortable experience years ago?"  If you have even told a therapist in the past then those records will be asked for and most likely your case will be as good as nothing.

    Now, if you think you need leagal representation you need to deal with a lawyer that specializes in rape cases and not a real estate attorney.  You have some good ones in your area (I'm assuming you are in Washington state).  But it's a specialized service and not all of them are good.  What is the nearest largest city to you?

    If you file a case you can do so as a John Doe.  That would protect your publically. 

    The lawyer will know if other claims have been made against your perpetrator.  The fact that you think there have been claims suggest that something has been public.  Perpetrators never abuse 1 person.  Eventually someone says something.

    When this subject starts bubbling up like it is with you it will hit you like a tsunami.  It might not be all that bad of an idea to tell your wife since she could be a comfort to you.  It could also explain some issues with your marriage if you have any.  I've only heard it as a positive thing to do.  In your case it could be ideal since your wife always has an inner understanding of the subject.

    You have to take care of yourselve NOW.  It might be best for you to talk to a rape crisis consuler but you don't want her to WRITE DETAILS DOWN.   Trust me on this. If you ever file a case those rececords will be asked for.  It could be damaging   In my case the stupid therapist made mistakes and mixed me up with other clients.  

    If you want to find a GOOD lawyer I can find someone in your area since I know someone who is part of a network of lawyers in the country who handle these kind of cases.  They are very specialized.  There is absolutely no obligation on any level.  You just want to make sure you get a good lawyer and not some whack job. Beleive me, there are those out there just like there are doctors.

    Again, take care of yourself "NOW".  Think about it:  You have survived the worst; the abuse when it happened.  You are a lot older then when it happened.   You are a survivorr.  Back then you were a victim.  But, you need to incorporate this informatino into your life and continue with a producttive life.

    Let me know your thoughts.  My best,

     

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    • Posted

      That is good to know, I figured it would be a bad idea to contact the clinic. The problem is the line I contacted is through a hospital that might possibly be connected to the clinic. If so that might be why they are not contacting me promptly. They may have their lawers looking into it as I type this. I will have to contact a help line that is further away from the clinic. I didn't know that I could file a suit as a John Doe. I figured that it would go public and I would be made a media punching bag. I just want help that is all. I tried to tell my mother when it happened but I just couldn't give her the nasty details and figured that maybe it wasn't a big deal. It was enough of one that other men came forward about it. I would talk to my wife, but we devorced 10 years ago. I still love her but we just don't get along. This thing took a while to sink in as I noticed as I got older I didn't trust male doctors to do exams on me in my intimate region.Now I only seem to trust female doctors. If anything can be learned from this I would have to say never let your kids be examined without parental guidance and if they are at that age where they don't want mom or dad in the room then there needs to be a doctor with a nurse as a protection buffer.
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    • Posted

      Craig,

      There is a lot coming at you at this time but be extremely leary of any contact with the hospital/clinic, etc.  No matter how nice they sound it's a trap.  I know this from experience.

      My experience is with the Catholic church.  I'm not anti-Catholic but the problem with the hierarchy is that have spent more money fighting cases than paying out settlements.

      Again, your job is to take care of YOU, NOW....  Otherwise you will obsess about this and drive yourself crazy.

      As far as 'righting a wrong' you need a lawyer to represent you.  You can't do it on your own.  I've had hundreds of clergy abuse victims contact me (mostly 10 - 15 years ago) and it's all the same.  Some tried talking with the Church and they were totally mislead.

      Here is what you could do.  A lawyer could file a "Complaint" which is different than a law suit.   A 'coplaint' puts the defendents on notice.  It opens up the channels of communications between your lawyer and the hospital.

      The other think consulting with a lawyer does for you is give you a clear understanding of State law.  Every state is a little different but in some states it's very difficult to sue a hospital.

      In Massachusetts hospitals and churches have 'Charitible Immunity' which means that you can not sue a church or hospital for more than $20,000.  As a result, in those states most of your bad doctors and clergy members operate.  What's $20,000 to a multi million dollar charitable organization?

      So, you need to know your rights and state law before you move much forward in that direction.

      For that matter, you might be able to file a criminal law suit but, again, state law has to support it.

      If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?  In some states # of years from a crime matters.  In other states not so.

      What state are you in?  Washington?

      Again, tell me what you have done to take care of yourself today.  Checked out Male Survivor?  Located a local Rape Crisis Center?

       

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    • Posted

      I have not had the time to contact a help line since the last one. I am 47 years old. It is in Wa state. I have thought about contacting a lawer. Not sure how to find one that will work for me and not charge me unless the case is won then they take a cut of it. Again I am not trying to sue but rather just get counseling that I don't have to pay for. I don't make a lot of money and can't afford expensive counsel. I also have many health problems that are going to cost me as well.
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  • Posted

    Hi Craig,

    I can help you find a lawyer who specializes in these kind of cases.  At least you would know the state law.

    I am actually a medical magazine publisher but I am also a commercial beekeeper; two very diverse professions but one balances out the other.

    I volunteer my time for a law firm in Dallas and mentor (they calling it handling) their clients.  In other words, I make myself available when the clients need someone's hand to hold.  I do this because I was that person once and appreciated those who helped me.  

    The way it works with an attorney is that you want what is called a contingency attorney. They don't charge you any fee but if they get a settlement they will take 30% - 40% of the settlement. That is common practice with in the legal industry.

    I wish you were near Dallas, TX because I would refer you to my friend, Tahira Khan Merritt but most attorneys who specialize in sexual assault cases are very nurturing.  

    The best thing I ever did was come forward civially against my abuser.  It was like a magical experience since it showed me what I was really made of.   As I have mentioned I have taken that courage and used it for enviromental issues, town politics, etc.

    My friend, Tahira, belongs to a network of lawyers who specialize in these cases.  The occasionally meet at a national conferences and are connected online.

    I can provide you with the name of the "go to" lawyer on this subject in Washington state.  It won't cost you any more for the best lawyer to do your fighting for you. That is where they earn the 30% - 40%.

    So it's easier for you to travel what city is near you.  I have little knowkedge of Washington other than the Seattle area.

    Untimately, you will have the final decision whether or not you like the attorney or you think they can get the job down.  I highly recommend being fussy.  You have to trust your intuition.  There is nothing wrong with shopping around for an attorney to represent you.  But, you want a specialist and not a multi-use attorney who does car wreak cases in their free time.  Sexual assualt is very unique just like product liability and other specialities.

    So, if you want me to provide you with one or a few names of lawyers in your area let me know.  It might take a couple of days but I want to make sure they are the best in your area.  Are you near Seattle?  

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