Sexuality

Hi! So I'm a teen girl who is currently worrying non stop about my sexuality. I've grown up being attracted to boys both emotionally and "sexually" to a certain extent. For me, I have to know the boy on a personal level before I can say they are "sexually attractive". It's just how my brain is wired i guess. Most boys i have liked didn't like me back (I have never been one for getting boys attention until a few months ago). I liked a boy for a while but not long after the feelings were reciprecated I lost interest. He was very nervous and that just isn't me so I decided to just stay friends. He did not take that very well and ended up being physically sick when I told him which made me feel very guilty and scared (I assume he has other mental health problems that he suffers with which contributed to his reaction). Moreover, during that relationship I would constantly look up why I was loosing interest and most people had said it was because I was young and immature and just enjoyed the chase. Not long after, I started speaking to another boy more (very much the opposite of the last one) and i felt like it could be the start of something. Unfortunately, the same thing happened again. As soon as the feelings became reciprecated I lost interest. But I knew deep down I liked him more than the last boy. And so the researching began again. Many people had went through similar things and just said it was because they enjoyed the chase and got bored when it was over. However, 2/10 people I had read comments from said it was because "It turned out they were actually lesbians." And i just froze. What if that was me?! I researched and researched looking for things that would determine my sexuality and it got me so anxious. I've been diagnosed with both OCD and anxiety and have been on the medication sertraline for around 3 years, recently increased to 100mg due to my increased OCD regarding intrusive thoughts about harming others (Harm OCD). These specific intrusive thoughts have subsided so much and I'm so happy about that but now I cant get this sexuality questioning out of my head. At times I was able to reassure myself but it's getting too much. I was exposed to lesbian porn not long ago (rightly or wrongly) and I actually liked it rather than straight porn. However, as a teen i knew this was wrong so i decided to stop. A lot of straight women also said they preffered lesbian porn than straight which made me feel better but then it moved on to something more. I'm a young adolescent who has no shame in pleasuring myself and most of the time it has been to fantasies or thoughts of women. Again this is common amongst straight women and teens so i felt comftable with that idea. But then i realised that I had never really tried fantasising about straight sex. This is probably due to the lesbian porn preference and so I tried it and although I was able to pleasure myself it just didn't feel as good as it did when I was doing it to lesbian fantasies. When I'm outside I never was really sexually attracted to women but now the more I worry the more I focus on women's body parts and question whether I like it or not. Furthermore, I've never had a crush on a girl and I know that I would never want to have a relationship with one but I feel like I can get more turned on by women's bodies than I can men and that really worries me because I've grown up falling for boys and I want to marry a male and have a family with one. I'm still a virgin and the most I've ever done with a boy is kiss them (first time i loved it because it was my first time and i went home so giddy) (the second time i enjoyed it but went home feeling guilty in case i was in denial about my sexuality). I've always said i have no problem with finding women sexually attractive and i feel like i usually pleasure myself to them because i know that i wouldn't act on it in real life. However, i just don't get as turned on thinking those thoughts with boys (i just get a feeling of happiness and giddiness rather than sexual arousal). I don't know if its because i know one day i want to do it in real life and don't want to spoil that moment with unrealistic fantasies? But at the same time I start to worry whether I'm actually attracted to males at all and maybe I'm in denial? I finished the relationship with the last boy because I was in fear that I was a lesbian even though he made me feel comftable and content (not giddy and excited like with previous boys). As i say I've never had these emotions regarding women but I just find it so much easier to pleasure myself over them rather than men and so i question "Is this my OCD or am I in denial?"

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