Sexuality and lichen and a few thoughts and queries

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Hi. Lichen sclorosis hits hard..simlpy because in my experience it does not just hit a body part..it hits at the core of who you are..a female...an emotional caring loving sexual being. I found the hardest thing to cope with was the loss of choice. When I say choice, I mean the choice to have open, natural spontanious joyful sex..no pre-preparation..no agonising of mind on what to say to your potential partner..no fear of being physically hurt or being physically and emotionally rejected. 13 or 14 years ago I made the choice to cut all relationships out of my life. I have to say that I was seeing people and I was truthful to those people(males) as to why. Do you know they were great..they could immediately put themselves in my shoes..and they are still supportive friends of mine. Now it was very different telling women..they reacted more with fear and aversion(bar a couple)..not a good experience..most wounding... It's a bit late now to say casting away relationships was not the thing to do..I guess that was how my grief was dealt with..or not maybe..Thing is there is more to sex and relationships than sexual penetration..and I guess there is more to be said for giving pleasure to another person in ways that do not give that much back to the self..as a selfish hedonist it has taken me time to work that one out. What has changed my mind..my own trigger was a book..a biography on Wallace Simpson..someone born without full female parts..and what a life this determined creature made for herself..running off with the King of England was no mean feat..So what I am trying to get across here is finding attitude and means to live differently..let's avoid the sackcloth and ashes and let's have a think..XX

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  • Posted

    very much like your thinking. If Wallace Simpson could attract a monarch and others by the sound of it....whilst not having a complete vagina....she probably had some useful tips and techniques!
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    • Posted

      Yep..she went off and studied techniques in a variety of probably very unusual places. My thoughts are this..we are too focused on the actual penetrative act. Perhaps we need to ensure that this act is kept to a minimum..damage limitation tactic..but that does not mean we have to rule out other forms of lovemaking with a short time of penetrative sex maybe at the end depending on the condition of the vulva at the time..All it takes is imagination and the gaining of a bit of knowledge(there's books)..but sex is such a taboo subject..somehow we shy away from talking about it..
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    • Posted

      I agree and so appreciate you raising the issue! 

      Actually for me there's a bit of relief in not having to bother with sexual activity...friendship seems more important.  

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    • Posted

      Yep,,gotta say it can be a chore now(postmentapausal thought??) and friendships can be very deep and fulfilling..but for some maybe recently diagnosed with this..or living in a limbo then I think its important to throw ideas out there..if I could take back the time I have lost I am pretty certain

      I would  want the choice to participate or abstain from intimate relationships(I did not feel I had any) and find a way whereby the lichen could go hang itself..because its power over me and my choices would be diminished..if you know what I meanXXX

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    • Posted

      Sky, my path, starting in my twenties, was to do 'other things' in bed when I was too sore and cracked. After about six years I was very bitter. I'll never know whether that feeling came from a poor relationship or performing those services ruined it. Looking back, it was having very frequent sex that may have really fired up the LS. A guy who needs that much sex wasn't going to wait around for me to heal. Anyway, that was only 15 years of my 63, but it gave me a deep aversion to performing those acts of kindness. The two years my current (understanding) husband and I were making love a couple of times a week, he lost a lot of his oomph because he could tell I was uncomfortable while I was used to ignoring it. My clitoris has been mute for years, so vaginal sex was my only way of feeling pleasure. I'm content with kisses and snuggles in a loving relationship. I know this is better for oldsters, but I just wanted to put this point of view out there.
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    • Posted

      Thanks Morrell..I am glad you have found peace now and have a loving relationship which is so uplifting to hear.  My concern is now for those who are still at the lost point..or in fear and to find an alternative to my rather lonely path which I would not like to think of others following...but I am glad you have shared your experienceX
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  • Posted

    Sky. You amazing woman. You hit the nail on the head for me. this is just what i needed to hear. I Dont think my husband was feeling terribly loved and i guess we were both crawling backwards from each other fearing if we made any demand we would be seen as heartless. Guess what i have just put my hubby on a promise for tomorrow morning. And in return i get my much missed hugs. I get to just lay there getting my warmth and love in the form of a lovely long hug. Not quite sex but the next best thing. I hear you Sky

    Wilma. 

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    • Posted

      Don't forget to use your imagination..and hunt for ways to express yourself...If Wallace could do it..then you should sail it XXXX 
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    • Posted

      Lovely wilma....want to hear all about it!!!!!! oh dear that sounds quite voyeuristic....!! but you know what i mean...kind of a group hug....and hope you have a lovely time ...and wishing you a very big warm hug from hubby.

      he is clearly multi facetted and we are getting to know him...it was a no no on the shower attachment...then an all clear on the alt meds and de-toxing....now he's a big bear in need of a hug too but afraid to ask. so sweet. Gosh aren't we doing well with all these solutions.

      Thank you sky. Now what about you? What are your wishes? Where is your direction...how would you like to steer your ship sky? xx

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    • Posted

      You know Marey we met when i was 17 and went out for about 18 months. He then met his 1st wife and i my first husband. I was divorced again by the time i was 27 and then married again at 33. Both marriages were failures and i never got over John. 8 years ago i heard his wife had passed away and my husband at the time was serving time for having sexually abusing my daughter from my first marriage. So i was single, and never wanting to see husband one or two. Seven years ago John and i finally made it back together again and married three years ago this coming Feb. So i really am struggling with not being able to be intimate and am also grieving lost opportunities. I always loved him. I know he can be difficult but there is a lot of stress in our life and being intimate was our way of comforting each other. We both have tragically lost a loved one and we both have a child who has mental ilness. If we had twenty thirty years behind us it would have been easier but honestly we were like young lovers finding each other again and now LS has raised its ugly head and said enough already. I guess its time like you all say to get creative but its not fair. I was enjoying myself. 

      We will survive and hopefully grow. 

      Wilma

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    • Posted

      That is an amazing story wilma...thank you so much for sharing!

      So you are connected now. That's lovely. So glad you feel inspired by sky's thread to be creative. Whilst for you a hug is enough. Very warm and generous!

      How is your daughter now? That was a brave and powerful intervention which you must have both asserted...to get something done in her defence. I am full of admiration.

      I truly hope things stay calm in your life and that they will find full resolution....we never know how it will turn out ...but we can offer our best. That's all I know and aspire to. enjoying getting to know you. thanks for being here x

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    • Posted

      I have visualised a calm futue. Like i said we both struggle but we are here together and i need to remind myself how lucky i am to have a  beautiful  man to grow old with lol. I need to shut up though and try to get to know some of the people on this site. 

      Thanks for your wonderful support Marey. You have a kind heart and have a kind word for every one. Thanks for being there for all of us. Esp me. 

      Wilma

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    • Posted

      I really appreciate your sharing, Wilma.  LS is hard.  It's also hard sometimes to make meaning out of continued suffering and challenges.  My dear and lovable brother who never complained, was born with hemophilia, then developed Type I diabetes, then was exposed to HIV through a necessary transfusion from the bloodbank whose administrators knew it was contaminated (and later paid out a settlement to the families of hemophiliacs). He died due to the HIV at age 38.  How do we find meaning in suffering? It seems that it is your time to really enjoy life with your husband, only to to have this intrude.  Perhaps not the end of the world, but with far-reaching ripples that extend well beyond the health issue itself and into relationships, feelings about ourselves, and more.  I am touched by your sharing and appreciate you!  --Suzanne 
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    • Posted

      OK..well..I am looking to more out of area..so I don't want to involve myself with anyone yet..well not here anyway. Now it will all depend on how rebellious I feel in spring..I might look on line and have a few casual chats..I might even have a date.. and I will definately go to a rock concert to let off steam. But can I sustain a relationship with LS ?  I am willing to look into it..Only thing is its sort of a rapidly declining pool at my age..mind that may be to the good...men have problems too..XXXX
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    • Posted

      Go for it Sky! Why do you think there are so many ads for remedies to erectile dysfunction?
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    • Posted

      Hi Suzanne. This really touched me the wAy you shared about your brother. I on the other hand feel almost guilty as my brother has Aids and is one of the longest living Aids patients. He is very sick now mainly with a brain tumour that is untreatable and numerous other problems. Some families have so much suffering its just not fair. But i also realise we are all growing spiritually from our experiences. We dont grow unless we are challenged. You have come through with a beautiful spirit heart and soul. You are still giving even when you are hurting. 

      I am sorry your brother had to suffer so badly but he is at peace now and you seem to have come to a degree of peace as well. Thank you for your sharing something so difficult. It takes me a few days sometimes to come to how i feel and your post must have really hit me. 

      Thank you 

      Wilma. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Marey. 

      Things have never come good for my daughter. She has been an Ice user for the last 5 or 6 years and has lost her four children. We are estranged at present due to her abusive behaviour towards myself. She has a psychiatrist telling her that i failed to protect her but i just had no idea it was happening. Its painful to go through what we have all been through only to have more pain inflicted by good dooers. These people have no idea. Even child protection are saying i failed to protect her and wont let me see my grandchildren un supervised. I feel so betrayed. Thats why i could not respond to your question the other day. I am pretty broken and i have no illusion that my daughter is a broken person too. 

      Sorry if i am late in my response. 

      Wilma. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Wilma--

      Thank you for your continued sharing about your current partner, about your brother, about your daughter and grandkids, and about your life and feelings.  I am so appreciative of your openness, resiliance, and forward movement in the face of all that you have experienced!  It is good to know you!

      And while I'm at it, thanks to all for this disarmingly open and honest post. So many have been through so much and continue to try to learn from it.   I am so impressed and grateful.  --Suzanne

       

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    • Posted

      Thanks Suzanne. 

      I guess i am sharing in the hope i will get to  know you all a bit more but i am sorry if i seem over board. 

      When i see what i have shared its scarey and i realize not every one really wants to know the ins and outs to my life. 

      Thank you for your warmth and kindness. 

      Wilma. 

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    • Posted

      One word springs to mind when looking at what we have all shared..'backbone' and that is what  each individual in this group has anyway but an extra group 'backbone' can only be to the good..glad your here!
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    • Posted

      I wondered about that wilma. I noted your silence. I am so sorry...this has been very difficult for you.

      It really doesn't help that there are professionals taking sides. Intervention was necessary, it happened, the abuser has been removed. Your daughter was bound to feel anger towards you but why is she being encouraged to hold on to it? the objective is to discharge anger ....after first indentifying it...okthat happened...but moving on...why hasn't that happened? this is where psychiatry has little or no skill. I am so sorry.

      What prospects do you see for change in the situation?  

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    • Posted

      Wilma--I have not acknowledged the pain and difficulty of this situation with your daughter and grandchildren.  Please let us know how you are doing with it.  The professionals may be well-intentioned, but clearly don't know the big picture here.  That's terrible that they are making judgments that are so powerful and yet so inaccurate.  You have not shared too much with us.  I hope that we can be a support to each other--and it isn't good for our LS to have such stresses either.  Take care of you and thanks for letting us know. --Suzanne
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    • Posted

      A danger in this forum system is that you don't always read the whole thread of conversation, indeed.  It's  not that one wishes to ignore what is shared.  All sharing is risky nevertheless.  Huge to write what you did Wilma. I hope you will somehow find a way to give all a 'place'. And that hopefully it doesn't affect or trigger your LS.  Wishing you well.     
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    • Posted

      was thinking more about you wilma ....wanted to say that whilst protection of the child is the first priority (and whilst we adults are irrelevant to that service..whichever it is...and that that is how it should be)....here on this forum YOU ARE the priority. It is here that i hope and trust you are finding the support you need ...and by sharing so truthfully your darkest worries and woes ..you are unburdening yourself, feeling supported, and addressing and relieving your stress!! very responsible of you.... hope we're helping!!  how is that lovely hubby? all ok with you?
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    • Posted

      not overboard in the least.

      this is appropriate, anonymous sharing. you need it you need to get it out. i am in awe of your courage....bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!

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