Shocked at how fast depression can get worse

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ive been dating a man with depression around 5 month now. Up until today he's seemed fine even on a bad day he seemed fine. He thinks his depression is made worse because of losing his wife last year. So I expected today and next week to be tough for him as it would of been his wife's birthday next week. We planned today together and he planned to stay at mine tonight. I have never had depression or known anyone with it so I admit I don't for the life of me understand it. I have read up on it a bit.

All that reading may of came in useful today not that it did any use. Met him this morning planning to talk about money which has been bothering him and few other things. we decided to go for a drink first then get train back to mine. In the pub he decided for the first time yet not to have alcohol. He doesn't drink much but does normally have 1 or 2 alcoholic drinks especially on a bad day though it doesn't effect his mood. So him choosing pop was the first sign something was wrong. I decided to leave it up to him and got him pop. Once we sat down it was obvious this was a very bad day he wasn't interested in me, talking or anything. He was close to tears and didn't know why. I had a feeling he didn't want to come to mine and he said I was right but the reason was because he was scared of what he mite do to me or himself. He has never hurt me or self harmed before but clearly felt like doing today. He eventually said he wanted to go to hospital to see a doctor. I straight away told him I would go with him. So we went and spent most of afternoon waiting. He told the doctor that he was having strong suicidal feelings and urges to self harm. I actually wasn't that surprised because of how badly it was effecting him. Well after what seemed like forever I was asked to wait outside while they spoke to him. No idea why as normally it would be up to the person who was being seen who sat in. Anyway he came out seeming much better and said he'd been advised to stay at home tonight which he wanted to and see his doctor on Monday. I can't believe the difference in him before and after visiting the hospital. After he was like he normally is but before he was so low and miserable. He admitted how he felt had scared him and if I hadn't gone he would of done something stupid. I was too shocked and trying not to let my upset show to ask what he would of done but did point out he needs to be with someone if he ever feels like that again.          

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  • Posted

    I am no professional Marie but I have noticed in a lot of posts I have read the depression relates to a death being the trigger, the  death has not been dealt with, they have not grieved etc. 

    Having said that when I had anxiety one of my greatest fears was of death.  I do hope things get better for you both.

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    • Posted

      Thanks for that reply. After yesterday I told him he needs to think what he wants with me as in is he ready for relationship. I have wondered this before but never had any reason to wonder til now so not asked him in case he thought I didn't want relationship. I've told him no matter what he decides I do want to still see him and keep in touch. If he decides he only wants to be friends for now I have no intention of meeting anyone else for relationship and I would like to think in time when he is ready we will get back together. Next Saturday we are going to talk everything through and I'm going to have a few things to say. I'm actually thinking of saying to just be mates a bit because it's obvious he's not over his wife also mite mention if he can look at photos of her without getting upset. I really don't want to upset him but sometimes having a cry does make you feel better in long term. Does this still work with depression I have no idea.
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    • Posted

      Marie check out the depression fallout forum website you may not be able to get on it today I think there may be a technical problem or maintenance is being carried out.  Also, check out books by Anne Sheffield.  As much as you care about him you need to put your own oxygen mask on first and look after you, you can't fix him he has to do this.  Take care of yourself x
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  • Posted

    Hello Marie, It's early days for anyone suffering bereavement, he will be going through a range of emotions such as guilt, rejection and anger to name a few. I was widowed at 29 and would not of been ready for a relationship so soon, thou we are all different. I would not push him to make decisions about your relationship. He may be feeling guilty about being with someone else so soon after his wife died. I feel he needs proffesional help counselling, which is non judgemental and confidential. Don't take it personal if he cannot open up to you, he may find it difficult as he has feelings for you and is very mixed up with his greiving. There is no time limit for greiving. He needs to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved with him, and he is with you right now. I know you want to help him and be there for him because you care. Encourage him to seek proffessional help, take a step back and say you will support him while he gets the help. Don't push him to talk about his wife or your relationship. Give him space, be at the end of the phone and tell him you care. When the time is right and he deals with the emotions and pain he is going through, he can then come back to you. Only he can deal with these emotions and work through his feelings and the pain. Don't put pressure on him, just encourage him to get the help he needs. I know i may sound harsh but i know from experience some of what he is feeling.

    Wishing you the best.

    Elizabeth.

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  • Posted

    I hope things improve for you and your gentleman. The hardest thing as someone try to support a person with depression is know the right time and things to say. As for the mention of him feeling better after the hospital visit  this can happen as the crisis team will have asked some questions and are trained to calm him down and if they couldn't and he was a risk they admit him.

    From my own experience its terrifiying if your have thoughts of suicide, more so when you know that's not what you want. I never knew what to do, Smaritans can talk to you but they cant necessarily make the thoughts go away. As they are an anonymous service to they cant send help out to you to. they are listeners and very good listeners. Your crisis team in your local NHS trust nearest you can however help you, in some cases visit you at home or send an ambulance to ensure your safe. 

    The crisis team should have given him their number, at the best oppurtunity you should speak to him and see if he is prepared to share the information with you so that in the event it happens again you know what to do and the number to call. Its the one thing in the past that I wish my ex had asked for. Still its onwards and upwards for me.

    Take care Marie, I hope you can find some middle ground to make things work smoother, the other thing is see if on the odd occasion he is comfortable you being at an appointment, for god sake dont insist on it and definitely don't got to all the appointments. Maybe once in a while if he comfortable so you can speak with team about how you as an external person thats sees him more frequently thinks he is doing. He's got to be able to be comfortable thou, it not just trust, depression hurts and some people don't like to be seen in what they feel is the lowest or weakest point

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  • Posted

    Yesterday we was kept waiting so long he thinks it was the being in safe place that helped him I can pin point a time where we was waiting he seemed to be feeling bit better. It was when he asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to go home as I live quite far from him. Til then he had not even seemed to notice me or speak unless I spoke to him. He is 29 now and was that age when he lost his wife. He does seem to be opening up to me more now. We have spoken about his wife many times and he has seemed fine even the odd things I was worried mite upset him haven't. Does crying over losing someone help with depression? I know anyone without depression having a good cry can help but not sure if it does with depression. I've not seen him get upset over his wife once. I'm not wanting to see him upset but if it will prevent more days like yesterday it will be worth it. He may be having counciling to help him move on. I'm seriously thinking of telling him it mite be best to be friends for now. I am leaving the final decision to him but the more I think of yesterday the more I think he needs a friend rather than partner. I will make it clear I'm open to getting back together when he is ready but for now he needs to focus on his depression. Yesterday really made me see things differently I do want to be there for him and have feelings for him, but if days like yesterday happen often I honestly don't know what will happen. It really did make me realise I could struggle with him. Nothing I could do or say helped and after a bit I did feel like giving up trying. I did want to stay and see what happened and was worried but cuddling him wasn't working he didn't seem bothered about it so I started feeling like what's the point? This is the first time I've ever felt like that. Later when he seemed better he said it had been good job I was with him or he would of done something stupid. So me being there did some good.
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    • Posted

      Hello Marie, your latest post seems like the best for both of you at this time. In answer to your question about crying, yes crying can release pent up feelingswhen we are depressed, thou this is not a cure. Be patient with him but look after yourself too. By all means keep in touch with him but it may have to be on his terms for now. Depression can make us selfish and push others away. It sounds like he is in a lot of emotionally pain at the moment. Be his friend and don't take it personal if he seems distant. Give him time and encourage him to get help. Keep in touch here for support for youself.

      Best wishes.

      Elizabeth.

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