Should I ditch her and run? Is everyone else right?

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Hi people who read things on here. I need some advice I think? I am meeting someone today who used to be an exceptionally close friend but. We drifted apart because of what she told me about my shattered past and part of me now can't forgive what she did at the time, which has in a way hampered my recovery. I have been told just to ditch her, she's not a real friend. If that was the case why was she there 110 per cent when my dad died. I am so confused, don't know what to do for the best. Have you ever been in this position before? What did you do?

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  • Posted

    I think it would depend on what exactly went down, and how she handled it.

    First, here's the caveat:  I don't really think this is important, but I have to say it just in case. 

    There is some truth in the statement that you should not make your lover your personal counselor - that is bound to mess up your relationship, because you're putting an unfair burden on someone who 1) isn't trained to help you and 2) who should be something else to you.  At the very least, I think it is unhealthy for you to always or only go to her with PTSD problems or issues with your trauma.

    That being said, I straight up held a grudge against my best friend of 10 years because of something he said in the thick of a situation relating to my trauma.  Well, not even something he said.  When I first told him I had been raped, he hesitated, and then started into the whole, "Well, I don't know, I wasn't there..." routine.  For two years we talked sparingly and I secretly hated him for not having my back.  I finally called him and told him I was mad at him and told him why, and told him that I could not forgive him until he apologized.  He didn't even remember the thing, and said he was just kind of in shock.  I don't believe that excused his reaction, but he apologized and that apology along with two subsequent years of truly being my friend made it worth forgiving.

    Here's what I really think:

    Your friends and (God forbid) your parents are actually really good judges of character in people related to being your significant others.  Listen to them.  But if it will give you some closure, one way or the other, actually tell the woman what she did wrong and see how she reacts.  Someone who truly loves you will be appalled that what she said caused you pain.  Even if she doesn't think she said something wrong, she will be mortified.  If there is any deviation from that reaction, she's no good for you.

    I try to leak the details slowly to my current boyfriend, and he's always amazing.  He has cared for me through flashbacks and is always compassionate no matter what.  And we've only been together a month.  So maybe the right person will be ok with your trauma.  I don't know - that's a good question for a counselor.  How much is too much to share?

    But lastly, I will recommend some books to you.  These are the only reason I got out of a string of abusive relationships, and I recommend them to everyone I know, because they teach you how to set realistic expectations for relationships and how to see when someone is not good for you.  One of them is free on Amazon, and the others are really cheap if you get the e-book.  (Like $5.)  And you can finish any one of them in half an hour-ish, but they are full of really good information at a really accessible level.

    1. 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control in Personal Relationships - Adelyn Birch

    2. Narcissists: Break Free From The Narcissist and Psychopath: Escape Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation - Pamela Kole

    3. Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship - Adelyn Birch

    I used to make my students read these.  "Boundaries" is very important if you're not sure if what your friends and family are saying are fair evaluations of the woman.  If they would be willing to read it, too, I highly recommend giving them a copy of "Boundaries" and "30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics" and then discussing honestly with you which of the criteria they think she meets.

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    • Posted

      Hi displacer kitten, wow that was a long response back, it took me a few times to understand it as I have Dyslexia! I have spoken to my friend who I referred to and she said she would NEVER mention him again. She saw how frightened I became when she mentioned him. I have known her for over 20 years so it's hard to ditch a friend after that length of time. The real purpetrator in this deserves to be dead! I wish he would die, I am Catholic but hate him - he caused damage that I can't ever quite recover from. I am not happy. As for my family they never liked this friend anyway and the 1 parent I would trust to ask is no longer here, so there's the end of that! There is a single issue that cuts through all of this, that underlies the whole thing. My counsellor has said she will help so I hope she does. I feel really lonely some days which is why I talk on here. I need support and you experts on here are worth your weight in Gold!

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    • Posted

      lol I'm long-winded.  Sorry! xD

      I used to be Catholic, too! People keep telling me to be a damn Catholic about this - you know, to forgive people who aren't sorry and didn't ask to be forgiven like that's going to make me some kind of saint or something.  But honestly, I don't think that's how forgiveness works.  It's certainly not how forgiveness works in the bible.  Like, in the bible, when somebody repented, he repayed the person for what he took from them.  He publicly confessed and sobbed at their feet and begged for forgiveness - wore sackcloth and ashes.  And God threw the other sinners into a f***n furnace, burned down their cities, turned them into pillars of salt, made them deaf and dumb, instructed people to kill their entire villages and s**t.  I don't know why I'm supposed to be more "forgiving" than God, because GOD DOESN'T FORGIVE PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO BE FORGIVEN.  THAT'S JUST THEM BEING EVIL, AND ME BEING A PUSHOVER.  That's not "forgiveness" - that's inviting someone to use me.

      Justice is not the opposite of forgiveness, no matter how much Catholic guilt they pile on me.  I have a just right to be angry.  I have a just right to feel loss. Frankly, I have the inborn right to feel whatever the f**k I'm feeling right now.  

      lol I'm not an expert, as much as I like to act like it! xD I hope you're feeling better.  I'm so glad to hear about your friend.

      And sorry to go on the Catholic rant.  My grandmother told me last night that the last witness who maybe knew who perpetrated my childhood abuse (because she allowed it) died three weeks ago.  And then she told me SHE SAID A PRAYER FOR THE LADY!!!  If she wasn't my grandma, I would have smacked the woman.  She had the gall to then lecture me about the importance of forgiveness and how the Good Lord forgives, and I've got to just move on.  I just told her to go pray for Hitler and Satan, or at least to pray for me.  And then I defiantly ran off with my boyfriend.  Which, was real mature, I'll admit! wink

      He's a Catholic school teacher, and his family is Catholic, too.  So I feel bad that I hate his church so much, but I won't step foot in one again.  I still believe firmly in God - that there's only one God, and when we die, our souls are reunited with him - more closely if we are good like him - but that's the only thing I believe in.  I think I believe in Jesus and the Trinity, but it really doesn't matter in comparison to that realization.

      I really like hearing from you.  I feel like I can actually talk to you. <3

      And I'm sorry if my messages f**k with your dyslexia.  There's a thing called OpenDyslexic that is free, and it will fix the font on internet pages for you.  I use it when I write.

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    • Posted

      Oh, missing detail - the lady who died was a nun.

      The longer message is being moderated, probably bc I used some filthy words...  lol, but you can't talk about this stuff without using some filthy words. 

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    • Posted

      Hi again displacer kitten, I agree to certain extent because being Catholic has its drawbacks and advantages. I spoke to a really great friend of mine at my church months back and told her I was struggling with the Lord's prayer, she gave me a new perspective and ways of doing things. She told me forgive who you can, or utter the words under your breath! Great advice, I now don't say the words of that bit. I am now struggling to go to Mass let alone anyone else. I won't let these 2 bxxxxxxx ruin my faith either. I am going to fight against this. This was criminal! I just want to sleep and next session will be tough but necessary because otherwise I will feel like a hypocrite at my hospital appointment for infertility support if we can. It's all so tough but being so tough means getting out the other side! Wish me luck.

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  • Posted

    Hi people, i have had to put another comment on here because my head is in a spin over the counselling, have any of you had experience of a psychodynamic counsellor. This is who I see and i need direct counselling for assault. I am going away next week but this is really bothering me. What do I do will people help me? I don't know whether to go back or not seriously.

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