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Yes, I have helped many people on these forums - but now it is 'role-reversal' and it is me in the wrong. Well, I think it is... I have tried to keep this as short as possible, many areas of my life are missing - in 2 cases I nearly died from the inside-out, whereby part of my intestines turned gangrene and I have also had Testicular Cancer and lost both of my parents in the past decade.
I have never posted on here before under Depression for myself, but I have been hiding the real truth for many years. It may sound stupid, but I have even given people advice on depression and never let on what was underlying in my own life, not to anyone. However, last Monday I went in to “meltdown” – a complete breakdown, not just in front of my wife but two of my children as well.
What happened on that evening has never hit me before, it was worse than I had ever expected! My wife had gone shopping with my daughter, I was sat at my desk just literally watching the seconds go by, waiting for them to return. At the same time the anger within me, was just building up even more.
I heard the car pull up on the drive, waited until they both got in the bungalow, and then I just ‘exploded’ with shear anger at my wife, firing everything I could think of, and blaming her all for it. After that, I said I am going out and not returning because I am not needed here. Even worse I mentioned jumping off the bridge down the road from us, bearing in mind my son and daughter had heard it all. Everyone was shouting at me to calm down “all I wanted to do was leave the bungalow”!
After a while I calmed down but was an emotional wreck. My wife asked what was so wrong – so I told her.
I said I was fed up with my life of being disabled, being a burden on people, not being able-bodied enough to do hardly anything, and life being just doing the same 24/7 routine, (sleep, eat, go on the computer, very rarely go out, have meals, back to bed at nights and then it all starts over again!). It is a living recurring nightmare, day in, day out…! Then on top of it all, I have to put up with muscle spasms, cramps, swollen legs, ankles and feet, the Cervical Dystonia is so painful and the Generalised Dystonia can be that bad that I cannot even touch my legs without feeling pain.
The Dystonia affects the nervous system, while in many cases this can be all it is, there are other ailments that derive from it, namely Epilepsy and Functional Episodes, and to top it off there is the irritable bowel syndrome.
I went to see my doctor on Tuesday, but she was unavailable, so I had to see a locum. I even broke down in front of him, in my wheelchair – on that day, he said try and calm down and book an appointment for Thursday. I went back to see him on that day, he prescribed Sertraline 50mg one a day and suggested I talk to a counsellor – he gave me 2 places I could call.
One Sunday dinnertime my mother-in-law came around, and she mentioned something, which I was sure she was wrong, so I told her different. After that, she carried on, and I could feel myself becoming more and more agitated as she went on. I am not normally like this, which makes no sense to me, I ‘exploded’ on the previous Monday evening, and that feeling was starting all again. My wife stepped in and said calm down and asked if I was crying. Then my mother-in-law spoke saying something along the lines of you cannot be crying over that, believe me crying was the last thing on my mind, I could feel myself becoming more agitated the more she said, so I said “for God’s Sake!”, then she got on her high horse. If she had of said one more word, I think I would have lost it again! So, I moved away from her, and closer to the hallway to get away from her. The last time I lost control was on that Monday evening, and I was trying to avoid that – and she was talking about the causes of depression, which I did not want to hear from her.
I managed to calm down, I have only been taking Serteline since Wednesday, so it is early days – what I wanted to know was should I phone a counsellor sooner rather than later! I am normally such a placid person, and never felt so enraged as I was on that Monday evening. I do not wish to harm anyone or myself, even though in the past I was asked if I had suicidal tendencies, and I said ‘No’ – it should have been ‘yes’ but at the time all I was suffering from was emotional breakdowns and hiding them. My wife as already said that if a repeat performance ever happened like last Monday, then she would call the Police.
BTW, I am disabled (I know this may sound stupid!), and take over 30 medications a day – split over 4 periods. I have changed in many ways, mentally over the past year, which makes me think it is medicine related rather than just mentally.
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