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Shunned due to depression

Posted , 7 users are following.

evergreen
evergreen

I don't want to go into too much detail but basically no one would know I am depressed. I don't tell people in real life and people view me as a strong supportive person. However when a friend confessed that she had been diagnosed with the most awful depression (caused by physical injury and bereavements) I thought it might make her feel better if I told her I understood as had been through it before, and that in fact I was on medication for it. She acted a bit embarassed and shocked. Since then she has ignored any attempts at contacting her. So I have given up. I know she is fine BTW, so nothing awful happened to her. But my question is this. Can someone who is depressed themselves still be very preduciced against depression? I so much wish I hadn't told her now! Never again will I tell anyone. I feel so hurt too.

1 like, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • bexnkev
    bexnkev evergreen

    Posted

    Hi there,

    I get the feeling that your friend doesn't really accept her depression.

    Please don't let her reaction stop you from talking to others for two reasons ... firstly, talking to others can help you and secondly, talking to others can help them.

    The problem with depression is that for some reason there is a stigma attached. Why is a question in itself! I see depression is a broken head, no different to a broken leg etc ... your friend really doesn't get that and that's very sad ... I am sorry that is how she had reacted but please try to forgive her as I don't think she knows what she is doing right now. Please remember that sharing our stories can help others through their pain and help get the stigma removed from this terrible illness.

    All the very best

    Bex

    • evergreen
      evergreen bexnkev

      Posted

      I think you are right about her not quite accepting her own depression. But I am so upset about her reaction to revelation when all I was trying to do was make her feel better and not so alone.
    • bexnkev
      bexnkev evergreen

      Posted

      Hopefully you friend will realise that she has reacted badly once she comes to term with her problems. I am so sorry that your act of kindness has been met with silence.

      All the best

      Bex

  • alison81137
    alison81137 evergreen

    Posted

    Hi evergreen.

    I always try to think on the persons behalf and Just a thought but could she be upset that you hadnt told her??

    I sure hope it all blows over and you can support one another through this horrible illness x

    • evergreen
      evergreen alison81137

      Posted

      I had thought that myself, yes. You could well be right. And maaybe also as she has viewed me as being so strong, she maybe feels deceived.
  • hypercat
    hypercat evergreen

    Posted

    Hi that was my first thought actually that she was shocked and felt deceived!   Maybe she feels bad coz she didn't recognise it in you and feels guilty.   The other possibility is that she wanted you to support her and perhaps now thinks that you either can't or won't.   Either way she is not worth bothering over.

    I have a friend like you who has always been very supportive and strong and I was quite shocked one day when she told me she often doesn't feel like that and the trouble with being seen as a 'strong' person is that others think they can offload onto them and they will sort it out.   We talked about it together and have remained friends.  

    Then years ago when her father dropped dead in front of her she tried to be strong and cope too much and 3 months later she had a huge breakdown.   Now she suffers badly from depression and is on meds etc.   I feel she is worse than me so I rarely talk about my depression with her (not that I did really anyway) but I do listen to her.  

    Fortunately I do have a very casual friend who suffers from it and it's in her family and she helped me a lot in the past (and I her).   We meet occasionally and can chat about anything as she is a lovely person.   We discuss meds, treatment,  what it's like to live and deal with depression.   There are no barriers.  

    It is very difficult to open up though to family/friends so I do understand what you are saying.  I don't have any answers though.  x

    • evergreen
      evergreen hypercat

      Posted

      Thanks. I am very upset, but also very disappointed that my 'friend' had completely blanked me for having depression. The trouble is she has some very expensive items on my property that I was storing for her free of charge and one of which is taking up considerable space on our parking area. Now I just want her to come and remove them. But how do I word a text or email to that effect, when she has ignored my other concerned texts asking how she is? I think she has behaved very badly towards me and so I just want them off my property so that I can close that door and move on.
    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 evergreen

      Posted

      Hello,

      I am sorry for the breakdown of your friendship with your friend. You have been hurt by her reaction and i think maybe she was embarrassed and felt guilty about your revelation. As you have made the decision to break off all together then i agree that you need to ask her to remove the items you are storing for her. 

      I would send an email, not a text and keep it brief and polite and to the point. Say i am sorry for the breakdown of the friendship and i would like you to arrange for the collection of the items you are storing so that you can both move on. Or words to this effect. Don't go into any details of what happened or your feelings. I am sure she will reply as you are requesting she collect her things only. I would do this sooner rather than later. 

      Best wishes.

      Elizabeth.

    • hypercat
      hypercat elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Good reply Elizabeth.  I would also add to give her a time limit for removal - say 2 weeks or so.  Then if you don't hear from her give her a final warning and then get rid of them.  You have covered yourself then.  x
    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 evergreen

      Posted

      I have suffered bad depression on and off for years, but my last bout this year was sparked off by a physical injury which left me in pain for several months and I needed physiotherapy and ultrasound treatment. I'm much better now.   When I was going through it - I suffered terrible anxiety as well - I was actually quite jelous of people who suffered depression but werent physically ill, and I thought how lucky they were to have their physical health. I thought I might never get better - I had always been pretty fit and healthy, so it was all a huge shock to me. I took overdoses several times, and was admitted to a mental health unit.

      It just struck me that its possible that your'e friend was upset with you because she doesnt understand why your'e depressed, and feels that she has more 'justification' in being depressed - like I did.

      I know thats not true and I have been very depressed before this last episode, but its possible that is her issue.  Maybe she deserves more sympathy really and she doesnt mean you any harm, but just cant cope with talking about it.

  • evergreen
    evergreen

    Posted

    Thanks so much everyone for your replies. Elizabeth, I think your suggestion is a good one. However, I haave calmed down a little now after talking to my husband. He thinks I should just leave it now and wait until she contacts us, if she ever does. He said we should give her the benefit of the doubt that she feels just totally unable to talk right now. If/when we move from here, which we will do in the not too distant future, then I will have to email her then to collect her stuff, and just stay out of the way if the friendship has not rekindled before then. I still feel extremely hurt, but I don't think she is being rational right now and so I will just back right off, I think. Try to put it out of my mind (easier said than done).
    • Digsby
      Digsby evergreen

      Posted

      That sounds like a good plan, assuming you can cope with the inconvenience of the storage. As you rightly say, and others have pointed out, depression gets in the way of us acting rationally to situations and relationships. I have learnt to give people the benefit of the doubt more and more, as a way of releasing my emotions and letting go of hurt. Perhaps in time you will be able to put your feelings down in writing and communicate them to your friend in a constructive way. I hope she contacts you first of course and the friendship can be saved if it is worth saving.

      Digsby x

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