Small victory

Thanks Pat. Your reply means a lot, as do your well wishes My drinking habits are weird. If I don't have money for alcohol, I don't miss it. When I do, cravings niggle away at my brain until I cave. Twenty years ago, I was in a relationship with someone the age I am now. 38. He was a troubled man, violent, abusive and an alcoholic. I was with him 9 months and finally left following a row over a pair of jeans. I never went back, but his drinking habits rubbed off on me and proved harder to shake.

I'm very fortunate to have discovered art journalling, mindfulness and mental health focused courses through a local Recovery College. It has changed my life, but I still seem to be clinging stubbornly to booze as a coping mechanism. I want to live my life with meaning and purpose. To go back to work and help others through peer support. Drinking to escape the past doesn't fit in with that.

I love cats, yes. My little tortoiseshell is sitting beside me. She is my therapy animal without even knowing it!

I drank socially over the weekend. My aim is to able to socialise with alcohol, but to cut the lone drinking out of my life.

yea, lone drinking is very dangerous.

I can't drink socially or alone anymore..i get too sick.

I agree...I do less of it than I used to, but still more than I'm comfortable with. As for social drinking, I'm prepared to re-evaluate that too. I do see the two things as separate issues. I have problems with self control in general. As well as binge drinking, I binge eat. I was trying to get treatment for what I believe is Binge Eating Disorder earlier in the year. I wasn't able to find it, so am doing what I can to manage it with self care. I go to the gym regularly and walk every day. It becomes a cycle: If we eat well, exercise and sleep well life starts to run more smoothly in all areas. As I mentioned to Pat, I still derail at times. I always get up and start over though. Sometimes, that is ALL we can do. It's enough though.

Lone, social, morning, noon and night were all the same to me. When I wanted a drink I got one.This is the second time today, I've written posts, two very long ones, got to the end and they just disappear. Yes I know, my own fault for not copy and pasting.

It's great that you posted, and even greater that you didn't buy wine. It's a good feeling when you can do that, gold star to you.

I was a heavy binge drinker at your age, but was fortunate enough to be offered acamprosate (anti craving medication, also known as campral). It really worked for me. I took it for a year without any booze at all. I then did another 3 years abstainant on my own.

I went to a party and asked for a lime and soda. The bloke misheard me and gave me wine and soda. I had one sip and realised what it was and said nothing. I should have put it down and got a soft drink. Instead I convinced myself I would drink it as an experiment! Some experiment lol!! A year later the binges lasted longer, the wine went to vodka and was arrested for drink driving, the morning after a party when my last drink was 3am. I would never have driven had I known I was over the limit. I had my three children with me and had just dropped them off at school.

It was a wake up call 16 years ago. I needed help and wanted my life back. So went back to campral again for 12 months without any booze.

I'd love to be able to say I've had no problems since. I suffer from acute anxiety from time to time and would use alcohol to help.

These days I can social drink, I know when I've had enough and I never drink spirits. However I can really relate to your binge eating. I seriously think some people are prone to addiction more than others. I'm a shopaholic now, swapped one addiction for another. I had a sort out of clothes, HANDBAGS are my favourite. It's almost an obsession and I have literally spent thousands and thousands on designer bags. Prada, Chanel, mulberry, you name it and I've got it.

I would thoroughly recommend cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) and have not bought a handbag for a year!

You seem quite determined, but keep posting on here. You can say what you want, you'll get good advice and nobody will be judgemental.

Good luck

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences and your helpful advice. I didn't even realise that I was drinking to escape from bad memories. I thought that I just really liked getting drunk! I don't want the stress, anxiety and guilt in my life any longer. I'm way more positive these days and want to work towards a meaningful future.

Thanks I went in to buy a glue stick, as decided to do some art journalling to wind down. The booze aisle is on the way to the tills, but I walked past without a sideways glance. Journalling with tea rather than wine today. Am pretty happy with that!