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I'm finding myself very confused about a lot of things, as if I am unsure of what's reality and what's all in my head. The worst case of this is within my relationship. I've been with someone off and on for 3.5 years. The relationship has been off and on due to him changing his mind about me all the time. I'll try to nutshell the situation:
I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Their father does not help in any way and has minimal contact.
I have also looked after my cousin since he was 10 (now 17) with no help from his parents either.
I am an only child and have to do a lot to take care of my parents who are divorced, lonely and not too healthy now that they're getting older.
I have been suffering with severe anxiety and depression for well over 10 years but try to deal with it by myself without it impacting on those I care about. I mostly seeking professional help and have tried several medications.
My eldest child has autism and my youngest is due to undergo assessments for Asperger's syndrome.
I have no job or career and my future prospects seem non existent BUT I am intelligent and capable. I guess I am just lost, overwhelmed and just don't know what to do to make life better for everyone but I know it's ME who has to change everything.
The guy I am with tells me all the time that I am not doing enough, that I should be out there trying to earn more money (where is "there"?) as he is trying to start his own businesses and thinks I should be doing the same. He still lives at home with his parents, has no responsibilities and has had help from his parents to start his businesses, none of which have been greatly successful. But I have always supported him and never ever put him down when things haven't worked out for him. He tells me that he doesn't want to work hard in order to support children that are not his and that he will want to spend his money going off and doing things he wants to do, travel etc and not have to pay for us too. Bearing in mind that I have NEVER asked him for anything ever. In fact, I have my own house, car etc and have been the one that has provided for him many a time!
He says that in the 3+ years he's known me I haven't moved forward or achieved anything. That I should find a cash job to add to money the government gives me (which is illegal) so that I have more and can buy a new car, take kids on holiday etc. he tells me that I always have a problem with everything he does - it's not that I have a problem it's just that I feel unsettled and insecure I this relationship so I guess that's true. He often a uses the words "why can't you just...?" "I don't get why you're not like...." And stuff like that.
I am confused by what he says to me. He says all these nasty things and then seems happy when I am basically crushed and feeling completely worthless. Why doesn't he just leave me if I am such a loser? I don't understand how someone can continuously hurt another human being and be okay with it, happy with it! Especially when you're meant to love that person. He always says sorry, that he was wrong, shouldn't say such things but then does it over and over again. He goes on about how attractive I am and says he can't stay away from me for that reason only. How does that make sense? How can I possibly be attractive/sexy when I have practically no self esteem at all what so ever?
If anyone has been through this sort of thing I'd really appreciate some feedback. There's more to what he does to me but I've tried to summarise. I'm just so confused and feeling like if he's right about me I am a complete waste of space who doesn't deserve to be loved. But if he's wrong, then surely he is a very mean person. I just don't know anymore. Help.
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