So confused. Am I in an abusive relationship?

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi everyone,

Posted on here a couple of times about my anxiety / depression and how I'm trying my hardest to get over it. Which I still am!

I'm finding myself very confused about a lot of things, as if I am unsure of what's reality and what's all in my head. The worst case of this is within my relationship. I've been with someone off and on for 3.5 years. The relationship has been off and on due to him changing his mind about me all the time. I'll try to nutshell the situation:

I have 2 children from a previous relationship. Their father does not help in any way and has minimal contact.

I have also looked after my cousin since he was 10 (now 17) with no help from his parents either.

I am an only child and have to do a lot to take care of my parents who are divorced, lonely and not too healthy now that they're getting older.

I have been suffering with severe anxiety and depression for well over 10 years but try to deal with it by myself without it impacting on those I care about. I mostly seeking professional help and have tried several medications.

My eldest child has autism and my youngest is due to undergo assessments for Asperger's syndrome.

I have no job or career and my future prospects seem non existent BUT I am intelligent and capable. I guess I am just lost, overwhelmed and just don't know what to do to make life better for everyone but I know it's ME who has to change everything.

The guy I am with tells me all the time that I am not doing enough, that I should be out there trying to earn more money (where is "there"?) as he is trying to start his own businesses and thinks I should be doing the same. He still lives at home with his parents, has no responsibilities and has had help from his parents to start his businesses, none of which have been greatly successful. But I have always supported him and never ever put him down when things haven't worked out for him. He tells me that he doesn't want to work hard in order to support children that are not his and that he will want to spend his money going off and doing things he wants to do, travel etc and not have to pay for us too. Bearing in mind that I have NEVER asked him for anything ever. In fact, I have my own house, car etc and have been the one that has provided for him many a time!

He says that in the 3+ years he's known me I haven't moved forward or achieved anything. That I should find a cash job to add to money the government gives me (which is illegal) so that I have more and can buy a new car, take kids on holiday etc. he tells me that I always have a problem with everything he does - it's not that I have a problem it's just that I feel unsettled and insecure I this relationship so I guess that's true. He often a uses the words "why can't you just...?" "I don't get why you're not like...." And stuff like that.

I am confused by what he says to me. He says all these nasty things and then seems happy when I am basically crushed and feeling completely worthless. Why doesn't he just leave me if I am such a loser? I don't understand how someone can continuously hurt another human being and be okay with it, happy with it! Especially when you're meant to love that person. He always says sorry, that he was wrong, shouldn't say such things but then does it over and over again. He goes on about how attractive I am and says he can't stay away from me for that reason only. How does that make sense? How can I possibly be attractive/sexy when I have practically no self esteem at all what so ever?

If anyone has been through this sort of thing I'd really appreciate some feedback. There's more to what he does to me but I've tried to summarise. I'm just so confused and feeling like if he's right about me I am a complete waste of space who doesn't deserve to be loved. But if he's wrong, then surely he is a very mean person. I just don't know anymore. Help.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi, sorry to read what you're going through. I suggest you seek advice from a gp. Good luck
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  • Posted

    Hello Bird,

    My name is Jennifer, I can relate to your situation with your relationship.  I hope you don't mind if I am straight forward.  I was in a similar relationship with someone like that for almost 11 years.  You must move on from this person, he is abusive.  Abuse is not just physical, it is mental and emotional also.  He is the one with the problem, still living at home with his parents who help him financially.  Sounds to me like he is the one with low self asteem, he has to put you down to feel good about himself.  That is not love, that is abuse.  You are caring for your children, one that has special needs, you have your own home and car.  He is the loser.  You must assert yourself and tell him you can no longer be with him.  You must respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away.  That is what I did, and ended up getting married to a wonderful man and have two great kids.  It is not perfect, nothing is.  But, what he is doing to you is cruel.  You deserve better, at first it may seem scary or you might be emotional or even miss him.  But, then as time moves on you will look back and say "what was I thinking".  If he truly loves you he will change and help you and be loving and supportive.  If not, then let him go.  He will not change.  Be with someone who will help you with your children and love and support you.  Your anxiety will subside and your depression will improve.  He is the one with the problem, not you.  Life is too short, any change is scary, but believe me it is worth it in the long run.  Start taking better care of yourself, and take care of your children's mother.  Maybe, go to court and try to get their father to start paying child support.  You deserve to be happy, remember it is not you, it is the circumstance you are in right now that is causing your anxiety and depression.  The first step is to tell your boyfriend to get lost.  Either way you will win in the end.  God Bless and good luck


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    • Posted

      Thank you so much. It really is a help to hear that I am not crazy for thinking that this is just not right. I m worth so much more than this. I have to trust my instincts and be brave enough to end this. I thought I may be being dramatic by thinking this was abuse, but the more I reach out, the more people tell me that this is what's actually happening. I am yet to find anyone that agrees with what he's doing apart from him. I guess that says it all really. Thank you xx
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    • Posted

      Yes, It's hard to see it when your in it.  But when you step away, you really realize how unkind people can be.  Invest your time and energy in improving your life and making yourself and your family happy and healthy.  Much luck to you xo =))


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  • Posted

    I too was in a relationship with a charismatic man whose narcissistic behaviour confused me into severe depression. With every year I seemed to get smaller until I was SO unimportant I felt like nothing mattered & everything I did was hopeless. Becoming single again allowed me to become who I really am. It isn't easy to disentangle yourself as there is genuine love, but I decided that I loved myself more. Our relationships DO define us & your relationships with your kids sound like your daily reason for being & far more important than this bloke who is frustrated with his own inability to achieve what he wants in life. It sounds as though you reflect his fears, so maybe symbolise his own sense of dissatisfaction with his life. 

    Lots of love & energy to you. Live the best way YOU can x

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  • Posted

    Hi Bird,

    You sound like a really supportive kind person. I think our personalities are similar. I have had a lot of relationships with kind of narcissistic people, and I remember when I broke up with my last, I thought, there goes my last narcissist. Never again! I wish you well on your journey, and although I am not one to give advice, I will say that you should put yourself first. Although it probably feels unnatural, keep yourself still and think ' how does this make me feel - good or uneasy?' And one thing I noticed an older guy with a similar personality doing is, when someone asked him for a favor, he replied 'I'll think about it and get back to you."  I am planning to use that one! It is hard to know what is wise in the moment.

    Really I don't know if this stuff is relevant to you. But I wish you well. And kinda see myself in you.


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