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So depressed. Herpes is ruining my life!!

Posted , 8 users are following.

amy07772
amy07772

So long story short. I contracted having-1(g) from a one night stand. Letting him go down on me. This was 2 years ago. I met this guy that I love so very much. I told him after dating for a month. He didn't talk to me for two weeks then decided to talk to me again and say that he would try. Well two years later and we are no closer to being anything more than friends with benefits. We have had sex but his mind gets in the way. He has his ups and downs. We are very close and I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life. Not even my kids dad who I was with for 13 years. Well recently this past week everything has s**t the bed so to say. It's all been leading up to this I guess but he would always tell me that he can't leave me alone even if he tries. There is something between us that is so strong. Then like the next day he will be cruel and hurtful. Anyway two weeks ago we finally had sex like for real. Every other time we would try it would last for maybe a minute before he got caught up in his mind and he would go limp. Afterwards he was saying how much he enjoyed it and was so happy and he would say he keeps thinking about it etc. well last weekend he told me he was celebrating a friends birthday and this girl he used to mess with messaged him and so he had her come to the restaurant he was hanging with friends and then brought her home. He told me nothing happened but he would have f@@@@d the life out of her if he was in the mood. This has torn my heart out of my chest. I'm so hurt and can't stop crying and can't stop thinking about it. I'm so frustrated because this is all my fault. Others on here always tell me that it's no big deal what I have but to someone who doesn't have anything it is. I would feel the same way. I just don't get how two people that have such a strong connection and have so much fun together how he can just give up on that. He always says he can't have sex with me the way he wants to meaning without a condom. Like my heart literally hurts. It gets beating so fast. I can't sleep still eat but not like I usually do. More of feel stomach pains from being hungry but can't eat as much. I can't sleep. I just can't get him out of my mind. So we talked last night and he said that I've been sounding depressed on the phone the last few days. That I can always talk to him and I told him it was him who was making me depressed. Also when he told me about the girls he brought home he told me that when we had sex that he didn't have any feelings. So I told him all of this and that night he had been drinking so he didn't really remember all of the conversation. When I told him I was first upset about him bringing a girl home he says oh so that wasn't a dream. He told me that was completely out of his realm and can't believe he did that. When I told him of the other things he got really quiet and sad and he said saying sorry won't help and he didn't realize that he came across like that. Never denied anything about the feelings and stuff. This hurt me more. This was like the realization that me and him really weren't going to be together.  I have too much heart and I can't just be friends with benefits. I love him so much it's literally broken my heart and damaged my soul. This sounds stupid but I've never felt this pain before. I love him in a way I have never loved anyone.  I really don't know what to do. I'm crying right now just writing about it. I just keep wishing that things were different and hoping that we will be together. Well when we spoke last night I told him I couldn't do friends with benefits anymore that I have too many feelings. I'm not even sure how to be just friends with him but I don't want him out of my life. I just need help coping with this. I don't want to get stressed out and with me already not sleeping I'm afraid it's going to cause an outbreak. Which I haven't had one since I was diagnosed two years ago. I told him I feel like a fool. He would always tell me not to give up on him but I feel like he gave up on me. Then again it has been two years and nothing has gotten better. I took the sex as a step in the right direction but I was wrong. Got my hopes up just to be s**t on. He's not a horrible person and he is very honest about his feelings and everything so I have no one to blame but myself. I just really can't cope with this. This is a pain like I've never had. Idk. I feel like I'm sounding desperate. But in a way I am but in the way that I really don't want the herpes to keep ruining my life and me getting close to people just to have them dump me like a piece of garbage. I hate this so much!! I'm lost and confused and don't want to be here anymore. I feel this is the way life is going to be for me from now on. Sorry this is so long but I'm really not in a good place and hoping for something from anyone that has experienced this or knows what I'm going through. I have given him everything I know about transmission and everything and I don't think he believers me. He thinks that whatever is in his mind is correct. 

0 likes, 12 replies

12 Replies

  • Liljade
    Liljade amy07772

    Posted

    First of all I want to say it takes a lot of courage to bear it all on the line to get some help. Be proud of yourself for reaching out. I also want you to know that you are not alone in this battle. Having a transmittable disease and being honest about it to someone you really care for is insanely hard but you did the right thing. I've had it for 5 years now and it still messes with my mind a bit but let me tell you what having hsv taught me:

    1. Take care of yourself. Put that time and effort in to yourself. Do things that make you happy and healthy.

    2. Trust yourself. When you know you are at your limit, stop. Do what you can to relief stress.

    3. Have a support system. Someone you can trust and talk to this about. Whether it's a best friend or even anow online support group.

    4. LOVE YOURSELF. Yes you made a mistake in trusting someone and it resulted in this. Now we know we gotta be completely sure before completing trusting someone.

    You do lI've him but he just doesn't sound like he's the right one. To me it sounds like he's afraid to fully commit to you. Whether it's your condition or just how he is. Hsv is unfortunately a lifelong sentence. (The makers of gardasil are currently working on a cure with some success!) It is society that makes it seem like a disgusting disease that only whores get. When in reality it is nothing more than a pesky skin disease. If I was in your position, I would work on self healing. Truly knowing that you are still worthy of love and that it will come to you. Because it will. Trust me, you will get there with time.

    • amy07772
      amy07772 Liljade

      Posted

      Thank you for those kind words. At first no he wasn't looking for a relationship which was confusing because we met on an online dating website. The whole two years he was telling me he didn't want a relationship and now just over the weekend he said something about when he gets a girlfriend. He has never mentioned that before. It was always when I get a boyfriend so I think he's wanting a relationship but just not with me. He's up and down and I feel like a yo yo. I'm trying not to obsess over it. I just struggle with the idea that two people that are so much alike care about each other so much everything is perfect for the most part but yet still aren't together. That's the hardest part. He's my fairytale come to life. Life just sucks I'm always getting the short end of the stick. If it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn't have any. 

      I'm trying to work on myself but now with the depression kicking in high gear I'm finding it hard to want to do anything. Just life itself is horrible right now. Everytime I feel that my life is going the way I had always dreamed that it would it gets ripped out from under me with no warning or anything. This is the worst pain ever. I literally feel like he ripped my heart out with a spoon and then stomped on it. Things aren't the same between us either. I can't get the image of him laying with another women out of my head. We don't talk as much and I can't joke around wth him like I used to. My mind is where it needs to be I just can't get my heart to be on the same page. The heart feeling are so overwhelming. I am going to do my best to take your advice and I try to tell myself that it's his loss but deep down I feel like it's both of our losses. I honestly feel like I'm missing out and jealous of a girl that he doesn't even have. I just hope whatever women he ends up with realizes what a great man he is and how lucky they are to have him. He really is the perfect man. 

    • Liljade
      Liljade amy07772

      Posted

      I really do know how you feel. A few years back I meant someone online (PS) and I didn't think I'd ever love someone like I loved him. We clicked in many aspects of life but we were too similar. It almost killed me not being with him when things got bad. Literally, almost killed me. Sometimes things don't work out. I healed and spent time on me and what I wanted my life to be. Then I eventually found someone who loves me fully, flaws and all. Now that may not be your case as everyone is different. Maybe it's just not your time. The man I'm with now, we have history. We've liked each other in the past. I had a big crush on him in high school. But the timing wasn't right. We were both at different paths in our life. After a couple years of growing up our roads met in the middle.

      Allowing yourself to heal is number one, if you need to be sad, be sad. Things always turn out the way they are supposed to. Hugs

    • amy07772
      amy07772 Liljade

      Posted

      Thank you. I'm so glad you found someone. I'm hoping I will get to the day that I meet someone and I look back at this time and realize how confused I really was. I am very very sad and I'm trying to be sad because that's the only way I can deal with my feelings I'm just trying not to be so consumed with my sadness. 

  • Livelife
    Livelife amy07772

    Posted

    Literally gonna give you some home truths 

    Whether you had herpes or not he is an absolute arsehole that would of been doing this to you regardless 

    You’ve told him you have herpes and he’s used this as an oppurtunity to just sleep around with you because ‘you should be lucky’

    He doesn’t love you and although that’s hard to hear it’s true

    It’s got nothing to do with your herpes 

    He’s just toying with you 

    He knows you won’t go anywhere because you like him and because you feel like you can’t get anyone else

    The risk of spreading hsv1 genital to genital is super super super super rare 

    I have hsv2 and my partner has NEVER caught it off me and we never use condoms at all 

    He’s a waste of space that you need to get rid of 

    No chance in hell should you settle for someone who treats you like that

    There is nothing wrong with you 

  • day33820
    day33820 amy07772

    Posted

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time with the fact you struggle with HSV (like millions and millions of us), and that your heart yearns for someone that holds you at arms length and uses the disease against you. This is very insensitive,  plus didn't like him saying he would have slept with another woman when he knows your feelings. Jerk move. For all he knows she could have herpes, or for that matter he may ALREADY have it. If he were to read up on it, he would find millions carry it and don't even know it (never having an outbreak, or a very small irritation and not know what it is) but pass it on that way. They are probably more prevalent in passing the disease, whereas we know our status and what the symptoms are before an outbreak). I would also agree that he may not be the one for you. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. It took me awhile to learn that and would often go for men who were non committal. I think it was because I was scared of commitment too, or maybe because I was not confident that I truly believed I deserved true love. I have since found the man of dreams. I suffer from this disease badly and told him beforehand and he was willing to take a risk. We are very careful, and I take a daily dose of valtrex. We have each other's backs. It is very nice to have the love and support of someone who doesn't judge, only loves. I hope you find this too. Be good to yourself. Great guys are out there. Be happy and well. Good luck to other herpes suffers out there too. Let's hope they find a cure sooner than later! 

    • amy07772
      amy07772 day33820

      Posted

      Thank you for those words.  My last relationship I stayed because I didn’t think I deserved better. This man is my fairy tale come to life. Everything that I have ever dreamt of having in a relationship. We just have so much fun together and have spent 8 hours talking on the phone and we talk everyday and always for at least 3 hours. When we have a rough day we are the first ones we call and tell. He hasn’t done anything like bring a girl home since and there are girls that he used to mess with they text him and he’s told them he’s not interested in that anymore. He wants more than just sex. He says that he’s had so much sex when he was younger he needs more than that which is another reason why I can’t understand his hesitation. He mainly says that he doesn’t want a relationship and he does tell me that he is still trying and has said recently that he feels that he is almost there. Idk. I go y action he hasn’t tried having sex with me since the last time the weekend before he brought that girl home so not sure if it’s really true. I think he is fooling himself also. I know he really wants to be with me and I’m everything that he has wanted but I also feel that he thinks I will turn out like his ex girlfriends. I do see him trying. A few weeks ago we were talking in my car and he was talking about his feelings for me and he said that he isn’t even sure what they are because we still do the friends with benefits thing. He said he can’t get the full feeling of them I guess. I want a relationship and I know I can’t wait around forever but there is just something about this man that I can’t give up. We both have tried walking away multiple times but end up talking again. He says the same things that he just can’t keave  me alone. It’s so hard to explain. He is Jamaican and his culture if you get something like this then they just look at you as germs. So it’s hard for him to get that out of his head when he was brought up that way. He admits it’s all in his mind and trying to get out of his thoughts. He says that every time we are together he has to fight so hard not to have sex with me and he said a few times he was going to say screw it and have sex without a condom. I know he wouldn’t and I wouldn’t let him either especially since I am not on birth control. I stick with him I guess also because if I’m struggling with this so much then I can’t expect him not to. It’s been over 2 years and I’m getting it in my mind that it’s not going to work and I’m wanting a relationship now so I don’t foresee me continuing on this path for much longer if he can’t move forward. What gets me is that when we do have sex it’s great then like the next day or the day after the next day he will say that he thinks he caught it. A lot of his issues are from how I told him in the beginning. I kade it seem so much worse because my ex told him before I was able to do any research and give him facts so I told him based off Genital herpes and I was so disgusted with myself I acted like I wasn’t gross and he could get it by looking at me. He has done research he says but he didn’t know what type I had so not sure how he did that and have told him that he’s not looking at my specific type of herpes because it’s not as bad as the others and a very small chance of passing it to him. It’s so hard for males to get it from a female. I’m definitely getting into the mindset that I can’t have the person I feel in my heart that I was meant to be with and trying to get to a point that I need to find someone else. I just know I will compare the two people and he’s one of a kind. Still old fashioned. Paying for everything opening doors pulling outbchairs and the chemistry between us is like nothing we have ever felt before. 
  • c60192
    c60192 amy07772

    Posted

    Amy,

    This thread - months old even, at this point - breaks my heart.

    There is a lot on the Internet that feels false and fake and forced, but your desperation does not.

    I know it may not resonate or make sense in this moment, but it is important for me to stress (as others have):

    This is not about herpes.

    Some people are cruel.

    This man has found a way to manipulate you in to believing that his terrible behavior and lack of commitment is a result of your STI.

    If he really gave a s**t, he would never have slept with you.

    He’s realized that this is a vulnerable, weak point that will cause you to focus on something wrong with you instead of feeling the full, beautiful, dawning-of-reality that this man is just a f***boy.

    I do not know him, but no one that loves you would try to blame his lack of commitment on a virus 16% of the population possesses and which he most likely carries, at this point.

    I write this because: I once believed I was damaged and should feel grateful and lucky for any attention a man showered on me.

    I once let someone manipulate my trust by offering up to him how I felt so damaged. And he validated that brokenness. So I felt like he knew me.

    Someone that loves you would see how whole you are and respect you for the resilient, beautiful parts of you.

    As I do.

    I know I can’t make you understand why love should never target and manipulate and undermine and string you along - it simply shouldn’t.

    And I understand why you stay clinging to him - he’s accepted you when you’ve felt like you were damaged and less worthy of love.

    Girl, some people have cancer. We’re fine.

    Be strong. 

    I am wishing you only hope that you quickly realize that this man will never commit to you, is not “honest to a fault,” is manipulating you —

    And I am wishing that you understand that you can survive that. Your life does not end with his love.

    Take care of yourself and your body.

    Do not spend another minute with a man who does not find it beautiful.

    X

    CP

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