So fed up. When will this anxiety ever go away ??

If you want me to be honest as a survivor of health anxiety, the only true recovery comes from acceptance and good self care.

I bet this how your anxiety manifests itself

unusual symptom comes>you start getting scared>you wonder if you're dying>then you start googling the symptom>you come across a vicious disease>you start freaking out>a thought pops up in your head stating that now you're dying and there is no way out>results in a panic attack!

I bet you're reading that now and you're like woaaah it's on fleek, I've been there done that.

You need to break the cycle. you can pm me for further information.

Psychostein.

I've been suffering with anxiety & depression since I was 18 (I'm now 34), I seemed to have had it under control when after the first month or so of being diagnosed with it and I was coping with it pretty well until last year and then I've been on & off ever since.

I used to be on 40mg of Citalapram which they lowered to 20mg and I was taking Amitryptaline at the same time and although I was still getting symptoms it didn't bother me as much.

I'm now on 20mg of Fluoxetine and I've tried Mirtazapine (which made me feel terrible) before that and the Fluoxetine was working at first but I kept getting niggling suicidal thoughts in the back of my mind, I've even thought of harming my dog (which I also had whilst I was on Citalapram with my previous dogs) and I keep feeling anxious, agitated, etc.

Now this all started last year after my previous dog died (she was ill and so we put her down as it was the humanly thing to do), I thought I got over losing her but I was told I haven't, the thing is though my parents ordered some new furniture and carpets and I jokingly thought and said "what if Jess isn't here when they arrive?"

One of the carpets was meant for her as she made a mess and stained the previous carpet and I would joke with my parents about fighting over the sofa with Jess as she loved sitting on the sofa and it was mainly where I sit (and her lol).

Well it came true, she became ill the month before the furniture and carpets would arrive and they were booked when she was still here (that's when the joke came about), we believe she had a womb infection which was brought on when she was on season and she had one the previous season, she was diabetic, blind in both eyes (partially in one I think), she had slight arthritis in her back legs and she was overweight but wasn't losing it.

When she was seeming to pick up (well we assumed she was), my mum asked me to take her a walk and as we got to the bottom of our path (I was stood in the road waiting for her to come and I assumed she was following me) I looked back to see if she was coming and I noticed she started limping on one of her back legs and took her back in the house.

My parents took her to the vets and they gave her antibiotics but the following Sunday the leg got worse and it was swollen, so the following day or day after they took her back to the vets and I was adamant she wouldn't come home, she did of course but she was struggling to get about as the limping was putting strain on her other leg and she was kinda top heavy towards the back end.

Her situation wasn't getting any better, she would hardly drink and eat and it was hard to let her out to do anything, my mum stupidly tried to pick her up and she injured her back (ended up breaking a piece of bone off one of her plates and has ended up with a dropped foot), anyway we decided to take her back to the vet and that day I told Jess she'll be coming home not knowing that she had gotten worse.

When we eventually saw a vet (thankfully it took a while so we had extra time with her) my dad pointed out that there was blood on the towel and the vet told us she had split her leg and that the operation would be very risky and said it would be best if we put her to sleep, she left the decision up to us and although I was crying hysterically, I knew it was for the best and so we had to let her go as with the problems she already had, we doubt she would've pull through the operation anyway.

They gave her the injection and it wasn't long after that she had gone (she didn't even use a lot and it's like Jess was ready anyway) and after that my mum went to see a back surgeon who told her she needed surgery on her back and I was adamant that Jess was going to come and fetch her (which she didn't).

Anyway all this made my anxiety/depression worse and I kept worrying myself thinking I had heart disease, diabetes, etc and still do even though I've had tests.

Because of the joking feeling I had about Jess and it came true I've been worried ever since and always think the worst.

Like at the moment I keep seeing or hearing the words death, dead, die, died, dying, etc everyday and I keep thinking it's a sign and I'm afraid to go to sleep because I think I won't wake up.

Its been on and off since last October and I think what happened to Jess has brought it on and made it worse.

We got another dog the following month a few weeks after my mum's surgery and I was sort of coping until around September, October and that's when the thoughts and worry came.

Sorry for the rant.