So: I got through Christmas and New Year's, but ....

Posted , 6 users are following.

It is 4 weeks to the day since I took a week's worth of my psychatric meds in one go - it was my response to the callous attitude of a member of the local mental health crisis team.  In any case, Christmas and the New Year felt impossible to face.

My cousin, who I am particularly close to, phoned me from New Zealand on Christmas Eve.  The call got very emotional, especially when I told her about the overdose

I then had to go out to get my monthly prescription, and the walk to and from the chemist's seemed so sad to me as I watched other people running around on foot and their cars, mostly in pairs or more.  I also looked at decoations in peoples' houses and it all seemed so poignant.  Anyway, I got through it.

Christmas Day was a bit better: my sister had kindly cooked dinner for mum, dad and me, and brought it up.  We ate together and it was quite nice.  She also plated dinners for us for Boxing Day as there was enough food tom do so.  I lay-down in a bedroom and don't remember much more about the day.

I remember watching some rugby on TV on boxing Day evening, but that's about all.

My attention started to turn to New Year's Eve, which I have always disliked before this illness.  However, I did manage to get for decent walks when weather permitted.  The trouble is: when I walk, my mijnd work's overtime and I ruminate horribly.

I got through the weekend and last weekdays of 2014.

On New Year's Eve, I stayed-up to watch the fireworks from London and then slept.

I had hoped that, with the forced jollities of Chrstmas and New Year out of the way, I would feel better.  However, everything continues to be a struggle - even to get out of bed.

Last Saturday, I went to a lesbian / gay afternoon coffee-get-together in the centre of Belfast.  It was testing enough to the get the bus and walk through the busy shopping streets, but I managed it.  A few of us then went for a drink and a snack.

On Sunday, the same organisation's walking group were going for a walk along part of the north coast of Northern Ireland.  So, as I woke in time I joined them.  I did feel anxious and hemmed-in on the train.

We began the walk, and I soon realised that it took us close to a cliff edge.  I confided in one of the walkers that I hated heights and felt I would be drawn over the edge and jump.  He realised I was serious and we headed down another way to safety.  What happened still bothered me, however.  We then walked the length of the beach, and back.

Then, on Wednesday of this week, I decided to do a couple of things using my car.  I have not driven much since my problems started in July 20013, and rarely recently.  So, I was quite nervous but wanted to see if I could manage it.  I was OK in the immediate area, but, when I had to go onto a faster road - a dual-carriageway - I could not cope in that more exposed area and I had to turn back at the nearest exit.  Of course, now I feel bad about that.

This illness - prompted by an HIV scare - has left me with incessant worry, phobias that have got out-of-hand, no job (and, I fear, unemployable - I fear what floor any job would be on), suicidal ideation, etc, etc.

I am now on a cocktail of strong meds daily: Mirtazapine 45mg, Quetiapine 300mg, Pregablin 450mg and Zopiclone 7.5mg.  With the exception of the Zopiclone, the other meds just don't seem to make any difference.

I just feel snookered. 


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6 Replies

  • Posted

    You have done marvelous considering the meds your on.

    The doses are strong enough to take down a large horse.

    You may have felt suicidal but you didnt act on it.

    Thats a really positive step in your fight with depression.

    You sought out company and Braved public transport too !

    It took me six years after a violent assault to. turn my life around and be able to work again.

    Give yourself a little credit for your achievements.


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  • Posted

    It is interesting how different some vocab is in the UK compared to Canada. I have never heard of someone feeling "snookered" and have to assume it means "screwed" or something bad. smile  Anyway...

    Gnnir, you feel bad about things you could not accomplish but you are not focussing on what you DID accomplish!

    Is it really so bad if you felt anxious on the train? Lots of people do! It's ok. But then you went and did the walk! then you were smart enough to stay away from the edge, and after that, you tried something that I wouldn't unless I absolutely HAD to, which is drive in crazy traffic (I drove once on the freeway to downtown Chicago, an hour-long drive which Chicagoans who have to drive it everyday say makes them "lose their faith in humanity" ---many, many people fear or dread freeways because they are DANGEROUS!)

    In fact I almost think you are taking things too fast. Often a good way to get used to something is to try baby steps. You did that very well - but you see that if you go too far, it can back fire. Have you ever tried one of those fear ladder worksheets? If you Google it, a page from Anxiety BC comes up - a great website with a lot of CBT tools. Every little step builds confidence.

    Try not to feel to discouraged about all the meds. There is still huge stigma about mental illness and meds and it makes me so angry. If you were on 5 meds for high blood pressure, there would be no problem! I refuse to feel ashamed for taking antidepressants. They save my life.

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  • Posted

    I'm sorry your feeling so low after the holidays. I'm old now and dying of cancer and I don't want to die but when I was 15-19 it is all I could think about. I have major depression for lirfe and will always need to take ssri type antidepreesion meds. I hope you hang in there because after a few suicide attempts by saving up a month or two' s medication and taking them and being sure to be found in time was pushing my family away. The last attempt no one visited me in the hospital at all. I guess what I really wanted looking back is attention and love from my parents. Suicidal attempts push away what we are really seeking and it rarely kills you because it is a cry for help rather then death what we are looking for.. Who really wants to miss what life may bring... I went forward from being suicidal to falling in love at 19 for the first time. I have a son that I love dearly. I found a job I loved to do and it wasn't even like work. Things were going good and then my health went at 40 but I'm glad I hung in there or I would have missed out on the best times. It definately takes the sting out of some of my sadness having some happiness in my life to look back on.

    Try and hang in there gnnir and have the doctor change up those anti depressant medications until you find one that works for you. They all do not work as well as others do depending on your type of depression. I have been on the same one now for almost 20 years and it still works! This is after being on 10 others that did not work.

    Also realize that the phase (age) your going through is hard on just about everyone. Things get better when you get out on your own and earn your own money and have the life you build for yourself. I stopped fixating on my parents lack of love and put it into my first love and son and was much happier.

    Best of Luck!


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    • Posted

      Hi keleee I am so sorry to hear you are dying of cancer.  It is a horrible disease isn't it?   I wish you all the best my love and I hope you aren't in too much pain or discomfort and that you have lots of love and care around you.   

      I wouldn't say I am religious but I do believe that when we pass we meet our loved ones again.  Have you seen that wonderful poem called 'Rainbow Bridge'  about loved pets waiting for the owners to join them?  Will have a look and if I find it will put it on here for you.  

      Stay strong kelee.  Lots of lovely cuddly hugs.

      Bev xx

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