So many problems I don’t know where to begin...

Hi livibug

We note from a recent post which you have made to our forum that you may be experiencing thoughts around self-harm. If we have misinterpreted your comments then we apologise for contacting you directly. But if you are having such thoughts then please note that you are not alone in this, and there are people out there that can help.

 

If you are having these suicidal thoughts then we strongly recommend you speak to someone who may be able to help. The organisations below can help you explore your options, understand your problems better, or just be there to listen. If you are having such thoughts then please do reach out to one of these organisations who will understand what you're going through and will be able to help.

 

There are several helplines in the US which can help you.

 

They include the Crisis Call Center on Phone: (800) 273-8255;

 

Hopeline Network on Phone: (800) 422-HOPE (1-800-422-4673)

 

and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline on Phone: (800) 273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).

 

Please do reach out - there are many good people who can help.

Kindest regards

Patient

I’m ao sorry you’re in this place. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. (The only thing good about not having any friends is that I also have no enemies.) I know because I’m personally familiar with it. 

I have had Complex PTSD my whole life. My trauma started at 4. I started the self harm at 11-12.  I also know the light switches in my brain that seem to be tripped for no reason sometimes, taking me from a relatively good place one moment to hell in a runaway elevator the next. I have severe depersonalization often....and many other manifestations of dissociation. So when you say you feel ‘nothing’....boy I get that.  It doesn’t mean sad, depressed or angry...it means nothing. Numb. Dead. And when you feel dead, you start thinkin maybe you are, or you may as well be. 

One of the most desperate and difficult challenges of life w CPTSD is this cycle of finally feeling: the fog lift, that you actually have made progress no matter how slowly, like you are finally on this ‘road to healing’, that you have ‘figured out’ now how to deal with it all and maybe you’re somewhat ‘cured’, that you are back to (or have found for the first time) the person you want to be for yourself and your family, etc...... only to have something hit you like a freight train and suddenly feel: like you’ve been derailed, totally crashed to pieces again, that everythings been lost, that it was all an illusion and you were wrong about your progress and healing, like you’re back to square one, like all the work never mattered. 

Please know this. Remember this even when the switch is flipped and you have no access to the senses of hope and encouragement and self care that you’ve had. This IS PTSD. The cycle is normal. No matter how far away from the reality of your recovery, healing, etc you seem.....that distance is not real. The feeling is real! But in actuality you have not ‘lost’ anything. It has ALL mattered and you are NOT back in square one. 

Healing from PTSD is not linear....a straight line of measured continuum that is neat and tidy. It is more like your 3 year old playing with a spirograph. Circular.....but often looking like a hot mess of birds nest instead of graceful geometric precision. It is normal that you get the hang of one pattern or two....and it straightens out and you can see the beauty for a while. Now you’re just picking up another plastic template and have a new pattern to master. In other words....you probably have something to begin working on now that was not apparent before. Something in your life may have brought up emotional flashbacks even if you cannot assign actual, specific memories or events to them. As we go through life and our stories continue to be written, new dynamics (getting married, having children, our childrens ages and how it relates to our traumas at that age, parenting in general at those different ages, loss of loved ones, experiences of school and work, etc) introduce new ways in which our PTSD is triggered....and all it means is that maybe we need help in discovering what dynamic is setting it off and what memory and emotion does it correlate with. You’re not back to the beginning of healing, you’re just at the next filling station to begin the NEXT portion of your journey. 

If you’ve had therapy before, perhaps you can return to that trusted therapist. Some people find that once they’ve sort of ‘exited’ therapy for awhile, that new eyes and fresh ideas of a different therapist are more suited to helping them the next time they seek a professional. Don’t be afraid to tell your family that while you’ve made huge strides, it is normal that times will come up when you need a ‘refresher’ in therapy. That they should not look at it as a setback, but another platform from which to leverage yourself even further forward. You can tell them that you’re struggling. But while you’ve had dark moments, you refuse to give up and so for yourself and for them, you want to go back in to therapy. Maybe you even need to go back into a hospital setting for awhile. 

People with diabetes, high blood pressure, congestive heart failire, COPD, bipolar or schizophrenia....a plethora of medical conditions, will find the medication regimen that works for them, perhaps for several years, only to find that it’s no longer working as well and some symptoms have returned. They go back to their Dr to find a new medication or combination that begins to work again. It doesn’t negate all of the time they were on the last meds. Doesn’t mean they’re a hopeless case, just means they need a tune up. That might sound a little trivializing. I don’t mean it to. It’s serious stuff to be where you are right now. In reality it’s probably more like needing a new surgical procedure. But my point is that trauma survivors will always be susceptible to these phases of darkness, despair, numbness, hopelessness.....these are the things our traumas were built with. When we can recognize them as that, we can take a small step back and refocus. We can remind ourselves that this is not US and we really don’t OWN these feelings and this place we’re in.....that it’s the PTSD talking and we’ve just been hijacked. We can then take control again (with the help of a therapist, etc). Name our own wishes, hopes, desires, feelings, and truths. 

Don’t believe the PTSD lie that there is no hope and you are defeated. On the contrary. This is your next opportunity to reclaim even more of yourself and your life. Talk to your spouse and your kids if they’re old enough...and then make an appointment to get help and find out what’s waiting for you over that next horizon. The lights will go back on. You will find your strength, pride, truth and hope again.  

Btw I’m 6 yrs into my therapy. I’ve accepted I might be in it for the rest of my life. Instead of hating that about myself and seeing it as a flaw, I now see it as active evidence of my victory over my past and a wise investment in my future. I am not ‘cured’. But I’m slowly working through my process. I almost never self harm anymore. I do have issues w drinking and I’m even working on that now too. I may still be messy, but I know that grace is anything but graceful. So...extending a hand here. I’ll help ya up off the dirt road and let’s keep trudging. It is worth it. Our families are worth it. WE are worth it.