So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
Posted , 121 users are following.
I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
nomthi71953 claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire, thank you for sharing I know it's been a while since this was posted but I hope you get to see my comment and I hope you feel a little better.
I can relate a lot to your story and being an African doesn't make it easy because things like these are considered "attention seeking" here. I've gotten to a point where a simple thing as thinking is a struggle I can't even do my work properly and can't even talk to anyone because I would be told to stop acting like I'm a "white person" if anything has worked for you please share it with me. I can feel my brain slowly shutting down.
karen76745 claire68228
Posted
Dear Claire, I am so sorry to read that things are so bad for you, though with chronic depression myself I do have some understanding of the things that you talk about. The sense of feeling so alone and as if you do not fit in with the world all around you, despite putting on a brave face when having to deal with others and going out. Most days I would prefer to just stay inside, to keep the shutters down, to shut things out, and it is very tough to attempt anything "normal". I too spend a bit too much time on-line and watching telly, and though I am on medication, my feelings seem to swamp my senses. I feel for you with all the things you write about having tried, you are not too weak believe me and you are very precious, your life matters I know it does. Thank you for sharing your story, I cannot always read long messages, but I was very moved by your honesty. Sending you kind thoughts and sweeter hopes
elizabeth112892 claire68228
Posted
have you found any resolution? This sounds so much like me.... today. i'm at a loss in my lfe and not sure how to live...
claire68228
Posted
Thank you so much for the messages you've kindly sent to me regarding my post of (by now) some years ago; I want you to know I really appreciate your positive and encouraging comments on my writing. I think writing is my only true and genuine release for feeling able to disclose the full extent of how I feel in this life without feeling ashamed or judged or ridiculous. There is something about writing which allows me to say it like it really is. I am glad if you found any ounce of comfort in my post or were able to feel any affinity and identify with any of the things I said. Often times, I will read other people's posts and feel a sense of relief and companionship in hearing some of my own thoughts and feelings echoed in others - not that I would ever wish anybody to feel any of these dreadful feelings - but it at least helps to feel we are not alone, doesn't it? Especially if you read something that feels extremely close to how you feel. We realise that 'out there' in the big, wide, scary, cruel world (which also holds so much beauty at the same time) there is somebody else sitting somewhere and hurting or feeling lost in some way or in need of 'something' to help them by. Even though we don't know them, can't touch them, or see them, their messages tell us they exist and so we are not alone.
Today is Christmas morning, and I wish I could write to you and tell you I was feeling 'better' or 'Ok' but alas, I cannot.
For example, just now I stood in the kitchen of my parental home (where I am ashamed to stay I currently still reside and feel very much 'trapped' and paralyzed by my mental and emotional insecurities, as well as the issue of more real and practical barriers) and I cried.
It is Christmas morning and so many are homeless, without family, suffering, crying and alone out there - poverty, pain, etc - I am comparatively very lucky, therefore. I have shelter to stand in and will have my parents around me. Very blessed am I therefore. And all too conscious of the fact that so many others are without this fortune and 'luxury'. And yet at the same time, this did nothing to lessen the immense and crippling sadness and internal pain and hurt I feel inside. How utterly lost and lonely I feel here and how I long for some 'other land' or world because I just cannot seem to navigate this one without endless mental anguish and destruction, turbulence of emotion and a sense of soul-deep emptiness and lack of belonging .... and it never ends, just drifts between one strange coping chapter to the next ..... but no rest, no peace. I cried looking out on the Christmas morning and I wondered about everybody else out there who might be wishing for some 'other place' where it is easier for them to simply just 'be' rather than this world that causes them such deep unrest.
But I know there are many out there feeling 'not Ok', a long, long way from 'Ok'. So I wanted to tell you again that I am here too. I do not know your story or all the twists and turns of your feelings, emotions, difficulties, problems …... but I know you are 'out there'. I wish all of us will find the peace and contentment we so desperately crave, albeit it tiny moments and windows of respite. I send my heartfelt very best wishes for you all to feel a sense of 'belonging' and stillness, knowing you are part of this Universe and that as such you deserve to be here and, whether you know it or not, are loved and are a blessing just the way you are. Take care xxxxxxxxxx
Gingerscorpio77 claire68228
Posted
❤
hmartin79 claire68228
Posted
Hello everyone,
Can I just bring a word of encouragement to those who are currently struggling at this moment that your life is so valuable and precious to God. I, too, have struggled and still do to find purpose and meaning in my life, but reading the Bible has really opened up my eyes to a whole new world. Jesus Christ came for each and every one of you and loves you all so very much. I would encourage each of you to pick up the Bible and start reading it. He is definitely a friend that sticks with us closer than a brother and will never leave us. If anyone would like to talk, please reach out to me. I would be so honored to talk to you.
Have a blessed day!
Heather
Gingerscorpio77 hmartin79
Posted
Thank you and God bless you! ❤
hmartin79 Gingerscorpio77
Posted
You're very welcome! I hope that my post can help someone who desperately needs it. I will keep everyone in my prayers. I know how it feels to feel all alone and feel like nobody understands.
WhatsItAllAbout claire68228
Posted
Hi. I just read your post and iI really identified with pretty much everything you said. Feeling like I'm going through life in total fear and wanting that parent figure to guide me because I feel if iI act like I feel Naturally iI will give everything away and end up destitute and iI have the same. Obsessions about tidying things and doing things to prove to Myself that I am trying to make things better. I feel like iI was born with a conscience that is too much for a human to deal With. I was wondering how you are getting on and whether you have found anything that is helping you? I have come across borderline personality disorder and often wonder whether I have this. I just feel iI can never have peace and don't know who I'm supposed to be. Nowhere feels right anymore just perennial discomfort. I hope you are doing well and that you have found some peace. Perhaps our purpose is to help Others as we seem incapable of establishing a personal goal or direction, just a thought. Take care
nige20448 WhatsItAllAbout
Posted
Hi thank you for your reply. I am at this moment on the edge total loss I stayed with friend for months thought I was getting better but had relapse and back staying with parents. But can't take no more. Still want to be in this life but can't handle it I the past all the time I hope you get. better. and wish you all the best. In the future but for me. I am going crazy. no way out.
darren29884 WhatsItAllAbout
Posted
I totally get what you say about helping others. I feel those of us that are so deeply hurting and damaged are overly ready to help others in any way shape or form thst we can, as we know the most, more than others, what it feels like to really deeply hurt and will do anything we xan to help others. wheather it be to save them from feeling hurt, as we know ot most, or knowing thst you have helped others can be a good medicine for ourselves. I have abandonment issues, I feel massively inadequate, unimportant, unworthy, dislike for myself, anxious, depressed, among many others. I struggle with my personality, struggle to know who I am. I hardly ever feel lile me. just usually an empty shell. and any chance thst I have to help another I jump at the chance.
sam18386 claire68228
Posted
Hi Claire, it sounds like you're really saying what we all feel. At the moment you can talk about it, express your feelings and speak for yourself. The problem is when you go silent. I tried this last year and this year and told my husband when he found the note i'd be dead. I've threatened to run away, jump and drown myself too. That's when you know things really have gone beyond a joke. You keep talking, you're strong
You',ll something to live for somewhere, at 45 i feel my life will never have any happiness in it, as i''ve got everything so wrong.
tatiana79338 claire68228
Posted
I can not do anything, afraid living ahome
meggy95253 claire68228
Posted
I am in a very similar situation to yours. I also have weird body sensations. Itchiness all over the body, usually before going to sleep. At first I thought it is my laundry detergent, only yesterday after several years of it, I realised it is psychosomatic or neurological. Yesterday I was scratching myself for 2 hours. I scratched one place and immediately another was itchy, also parts not coming in contact with my clothes. I cannot help you, I am myself looking for help. I also experience this "rag-doll" feeling. Each time I was trying to improve my situation, it ended up getting worst, so now I am afraid to change anything, even tough I am not happy. I also had existential crisis. Some people experience it when they are middle age, but I feel this now, in my early thirties. I feel like we dont chose to be on Earth as nobody asks us if we want to. Then we should learn but we end up in dull lives having to make ends meet, buy a house, get a job to pay the bills, have children, marry. It seems obvious, if you do not fit in other people behave like animals and want to destroy you, by commenting why are you not married, make a baby. I cannot afford to have a child and my husband drinks beer everyday and sits in front of TV or his phone all the time. What if my child is not happy. Starting point would already be bad, as they could inherit my mental illness and would be poorer than peers and without family support. I myself resented being poor as a child. My mother is borderline and or bipolar, brother schizophrenic, my second brother died, my father also has some issues. I would like to be more social but each time I go out my anxiety sky rockets. If the group is large, I need some antianxiety pill. I am complaining a lot but I don't know what is left for me. I cannot even find strength to go for a walk. I don't know how to find this strength
troy87408 claire68228
Posted
I know this message been over 2 yrs ago but u said my story. except the numbness in the face.I can relate with u so much. I'm. just exsisting. I have no fight left in me neither.I been fighting for soooo long I'm just so worn down from it. I thought I was the only one who acually felt just like u. I dont how I even get by every day withing out ending it. I just keep too myself now. I reeled at so many relationships between not be able too get it up too when I open up too them an let them know what going on with me. They stick around for a little while but eventually they slip away an that hurts makes feel more no wanted. My last relationship was 3yrs ago. I really fell hard for this woman didnt have a problem getting up with her. I really trusted this girl so I opened up too this woman becouse I thought she really unstood me. Well I was wrong. So i feel so lost an broken living at home just isolating myself just lost unlovable ,broken ,lost , scared , behind on Bill's barely working. becouse it so hard too be around people. I just feel like a freak becouse i got no one i can trust Every time i think i can trust somebody an be more opened then eventually slip slide away. I good hearted ,loyal ,trusting , caring , loving person with a lot guilt an anger , anxiety an depression built up inside of me I just dont know where I belong in life myself. I'm just filled with so much s**t in my head i never did anything positive with my life. I just a failure with freinds an in my parents eyes. I am no good Just a dented can. Sick of trying too find who I am. I just too f****d in the head so this is who I am . A scared lonely, angry , lost, frightened . broken , damaged, no good soul. If u ever want too talk becouse I can relate with u so much. But I really hope u found urself in the past few yrs.
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