So scared, so lost, so unmotivated, my mind can't handle it all
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I just don't even know where to begin with this really. I just feel ultra lost in life and confused but most of all just terrified and I have long ago lost all motivation and any sense of hope or enjoyment in life. I feel I have lost all direction and my life feels completely out of my control. I am just existing and going along with whatever happens to me like a rag doll. I feel helpless in life like a child who is scared and has lost its mother - just so terrified. I am deeply embarrassed by this. I feel no sense of self worth, my confidence and self esteem is at its lowest ever .... life has passed me by and almost all of this time has been as a pathetic and hopeless cas. I have always been exceptionally sensitive and I always feel that I was not meant to be on this earth because somebody as weak as me just cannot survive here without self destructing or being destroyed by life's reality. I feel deeply ashamed of myself and my anxiety and depression. Completely pathetic and useless as a human being even though deep inside I also feel such a sense of sadness for myself like part of me still wants to reach deep and give me a big hug and save myself but I keep failing at this. I imagine I would excel in another type of land or in another world where I am just able to be in peace and the way I am and be left alone. I have already been through the days of finding small bursts of habits to keep me going - like playing computer games, or chatting online etc .... I have also been through under eating, over eating, binge eating, losing weight, gaining weight, not dressing, not washing, lying in bed - crying at the tiniest issues - worrying about worst case scenarios in life, and also feeling so completely lost as to what to do with myself. I get scared in life to the point of paranoia. I imagine the absolute worst will happen - getting into trouble, ending up in prison, ending up in a vulnerable situation, homeless, etc, etc, etc .... I find it really hard to trust myself, let alone other people because I feel I have no skills to cope in life. I feel tense around others and only peaceful when I am all alone in solitude .... but this is also very lonely and isolating place to be. I feel a source of guilt in terms of any relationship with my family - because they have not been able to help me - they have not been able to aid in my dysfunctional mind and circumstances. I have felt trapped, hysterical and like a I am verging on psychotic at times - shouting, throwing things, anger, tears. All this has already been and gone. I have visited psychologists in the past as well as psychiatrists - but they have never diagnosed me with anything else besides general depression and anxiety. And as I am particularly well able to articulate my feelings and problems lucidly and with intelligence then they do not realise the extent of my problem and the absolute unbearable sense of fears, paranoias, misery I feel inside I think. It's as though I have never fallen into any 'categor'y. I think this is because I have quite a variety of psychological difficulties that all merge into each other sometimes and of course feed off one another. Because I have managed to hang on (to all outward appearances) to some kind of sanity, they do not see the real picture of the chaos in my mind and body. I have suffered 3 strange 'episodes' in the last 15 years where I have lost sensation in my body and face and it has never returned. This remained something of a mystery to doctors and I was eventually diagnosed with some kind of neuropathy or anxiety related bodily symptoms. Physical manifestation of anxiety even though some of them argued my symptoms were not typical or fitting. These reduced sensations have never resolved or returned and I now live with reduced and diminished sensation including not being able to sense pleasure sensations like massages or orgasms, pain. I feel adverse to sex and always have - somehow I (sometimes) find it a bit dirty and repulsive and feel violated and I cannot live with how I feel because I feel like a freak to feel that way without any reason that I can recall. I have no history of abuse that I can recall - just an anxious mother with some depression and negativity in her own thinking. Apart from this I have just been scared since always and have never had the strength or courage to pull myself out and I am now at my worst point ever and have given up on life and am just existing. I have tried within my very limitied mental means to pull myself out by attempting life changes in the past but have been crippled by my own anxieties and fears and these attempts have ultimately ended in the same patterns of failure. I lack any sense of ability or life resources, no sense of strength and I am aimless in life - feeling as helpless as if I were a newborn. I do not see the meaning or point in anything and feel it so diffiult to think of anything that would make me want to see a glimmer of light and really try again. Been there, done that before. Already too tired. I feel like I want a parent figure to come guide me step by step and pull me out from this hole. But that is just ridiculous and the more I think of how I should be able to manage my life, the more ashamed I feel of my bleak and fearful reality. I now find myself in a very stressful situation in life currently. And I arrived here through my own desperation and hysteria to escape my last situation and lack of seeing any other way out - an out of the frying pan into the fire situation. I have tried in the past medication, cbt, citalopram medication ..... I am so sad that I have come to this point but I do not know how to get better or where to begin ..... so much seems to have happened inside my mind that I am genuinely afraid that I have gone quite mad (but am still managing to pretend to be sane) ... I cannot cope with the vast amount of emotions and their intense strength that I feel in terms of everything seeming so dark, desperate, scary, chaotic and my mind just can't process it all. Particularly it just all feels a lot of thoughts for a tiny tiny mind to have. I just thought I would write about it. I have been through a lot of weird phases, living on baby food for a while, labelling the calories on everything, Obsessive tendencies to tidy everything to the extreme just to have an element of control in my life .... I have a problem with OCD where everything in my home has to be perfect and tidy and straight otherwise I feel very anxious and restless and as though things are dirty or that I have lost all control completely. If I lose the ability to control even my home or food then I feel I will have absolutely nothing since the rest of my life is so far gone. But the pressure this extreme thinking gives me is unbearable to live with and makes me tired and cry when I don't match up to my own pressure and standards. I take ages to get ready every day on the days when I feel able to try and go out because I feel I have to put on a pretence of appearing respectable and 'ok' .... the reality is sometimes I cry, shout, like a toddler who can't handle adult life and who can't dress herself or manage her well-being and life. Afraid. Lost. Unmotivated. My mind wants it all to go blank. I want peace. Feel a complete loser in life. Just want to float away quietly on a cloud or sleep and not wake up sometimes and just drift off into a haze where the last thing I think about is something uplifting and peaceful and far from the reality of this overwhelming life. I feel guilty to myself and to the world for being this way. The only way my stupid dreamy mind sometimes justifies it is to pretend I am a fairy from another world who was made perfectly but has come to an imperfect world and cannot hack it because it's too far from my own world. And I imagine this particular thought in a sane way, not an insane way ... I realise I am not really this person but this is the best way I am able to get any comfort in how I feel in this life.
19 likes, 186 replies
jenna06252 claire68228
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Mimi1234 claire68228
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Hi Claire. I just read your post and I can't tell you how much it hit home. I know it's been three years since you posted this but I was wondering if you are doing any better? I certainly hope so. I too know the depths of despair and am at a loss as to how to dig myself out. We are so good at putting on a mask when we need to but when we are by ourselves it seems like a bottomless pit. I'm hoping you are better than you were and wishing you blessings.
BlackScout claire68228
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es71832 claire68228
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nige20448 claire68228
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Hi Claire I to are very scared and lost for 3 years now since losing my ex partner of 20 years , my job, house, friends . I am now trying to last each day I have seen doctors told them that can't go out and can not live because everything I look at it see and think of my past and that my past is on my mind 24/7 and I am frighten to death because I still want to live but feel I will be able to and its all up for me . I am thinking of going to live with best mate to see if I can move forward . I hope you are feeling better .
nige20448 claire68228
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Hi Claire hope you are feeling better for 4 years now I have been trying to fight my illness after losing my ex partner of 20years ,house,job,friends, all my past thathe ment my world. everything I look at it see and think my past it is also on my mind 24/7 .doctors say it's depression . I won't go out the house and finding very hard to get by each day .
lyndiecheryl claire68228
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Hello Claire
I wonder whether you will still get this message even though it is 3 years after your post. I have read many posts but your post could have been been written by me. I have so much to be grateful for and thankful for. And yet I have no desire to continue. Every day I wake up and feel everything is hopeless and useless. It's pointless trying to keep going because every day brings new problems that are beyond my control. And the anger and injustice I feel at everything is so overwhelming. Just the fact I have an amazing husband and 11 year old daughter makes me feel worse.
So I was just wondering how you are doing and if things have improved for you? LyndieCheryl
cat20524 claire68228
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Dear Claire, You really took the words that I have spent many years trying to express right out my mouth and mind. My goodness, you should write a book, looks like you are beginning to get many followers from your post and I would support you all the way if that is something you are interested in. You are my hero! I couldn't have expressed it better than you. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! Please keep writing, you are helping me cope and not feel alone. I wish I could help you in some way. For now, I can only encourage you to keep writing and I look forward to many more posts.
helpithellpit claire68228
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Some of the events and circumstances of your story are different from mine, but the feelings and the persistence in trying to make it better or at least cope with it are the same. For me it began when puberty started and has not stopped yet. I am 51 now. Everything I have done to make it better has made it worse. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. When I was young I said I couldn't "help it", that I felt this way. The response I have recieved from the world over the years has been an over abundance of "hell pit". I have come to the conclusion that the problem is not with me. It is natural for me to feel this way in a dead world.
Help_67090 claire68228
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am 60 years old and have lost myself for the past 12 years I don't even know what I've been doing. I cannot tell my family because I am so ashamed.
I was always the one holding everything together . I help my family friends even strangers. I felt like that why is I was put on Earth. I had a job raised a son who became a fireman paramedic, have grandkids that are wonderful. If everyone knew what was really going on inside I think they would disown me. I cannot tell anybody. I am so lost and don't know how to find myself .
My language and the way I speak has all changed. I do have several diseases and I know a lot of this dissociation is from the medicine they have me on. But if I tell what's really going on inside they will take me off my medicines and I can't suffer that way. Due to neuropathy ( No I am not a diabetic doctors cannot explain why I have it) I would not be able to live and walk at all. As long as I'm breathing no one has to know. They can just think it's my disease. I cannot tell anyone the truth I don't want to be locked away . I lie and I lie and tell everyone everything is okay it's not okay it's never going to be okay again . I will pray that God helps you. Your words help me understand where I am at and did not know how to say it. God bless you
helpithellpit claire68228
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I feel deeply for you and your situation. Please do not pray for me or ask god to bless me, as I have already tried that route, and found it to be part of the problem, not the solution. Though I am sure it pains you much to have family so close, yet somehow still so far away, I'm afraid that you are right not to share something with them that they cannot possibly understand. I did, and in fact was disowned because of it, and they all live in the same town as I do. For me, medication made it far worse, though quitting was it's own hell. I now exist completely alone, but for the few hours a year I get to interact with my childen and grandchildren. They don't know me anymore and no longer want to. I am on housing and dissability, so I have somewhere to be with utilities off the street so I don't bother anyone else. The church provides me with food that nobody else wants or that is expired. I stopped taking meds and fired all of my doctors 3 years ago, and though it isn't good, it's not as bad as it was at it's worst. Unfortunately, it is much, much worse than when I originally sought help at 19. At this point, my only problem as I see it is my breathing problem. I breath. And it's a problem. The good news is I no longer try to commit suicide. That's because I consider myself to be already dead. How terribly sad that I find others in similar situations to be somewhat of a comfort to me. There is indeed something very wrong with this world for that to be true. With all of my heart I hope you find the something that I could not.
adamg claire68228
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I feel like I've been in your exact situation for a while now, it's unbearable. BUT, I don't know why you were only diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as I have similar symptoms to you - but I have Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as OCD, anxiety, depression and eating disorder.
But about the numbness, and zoning out of everything that is stressful - this is called dissociation. It has become a massive part of my life; it makes my senses numb, I can't think or concentrate, I can't taste or smell (only when dissociated). And the biggest one? It feels like I'm living in Hell, and the world has disappeared. Dissociation is honestly Hell. And after doing so well at school, I'm now failing everything at college because of my mental illness. I can barely tell what my teachers are saying, if I'm dissociated. So I can't understand anything from the lesson (even though I know I would understand if I was alright!!)
And I also feel like a child living an adult life - I feel like everything is dangerous, and I NEED to escape. I sometimes want to run away and go back to childhood memories, or revisit things from my childhood because it's nostalgic.
I'm also very sensitive to emotions, so everything is painful and exhausting. It just seems dark and neverending - I try to escape with binge eating because I can't handle my intense feelings and anxiety.
And my self-esteem often hits rock-bottom, making things worse. I have no confidence in doing difficult or painful things (usually), because it feels too horrible for some reason. I don't know what I'm capable of anymore.
Things are starting to get slightly better, as I'm trying to just "Let my emotions out", instead of trying to 'crush' them and get away (which I've realised causes my dissociation). I just try to readjust myself, and 'take on' the pain of everything. Soon it goes away, once I stop suppressing my feelings. Trying to escape them makes them stronger, so I've found 'letting them out' soothes them a lot. I hope this can help you, because it's making a slight difference in my life now.
And also, although this is illegal, I've found the only way to change my outlook and thinking has been trying LSD. I've only tried it twice at low doses (no hallucinations happened). But I thought in such a new and different way - I could see my whole life panned out, and I realised a lot about who I USED to be, and how my emotional detachment keeps happening now. I feel like I found myself again through it, and I plan to keep trying this. (Although I'm not recommending taking illegal drugs, because it is still risky and requires knowledge, safety, etc...) But the benefits are well-documented, especially how it makes the entire brain 'light up' - meaning you can adjust your thinking because your brain becomes more 'moldable' in this state. Old, inactive pathways (including good ones) start to light up again for a while, so you can rediscover them. (SORRY I'm rambling on now haha).
But anyway I hope you are doing okay, and it has been relieving to see someone else in my situation. Recovery is possible, and worth it!
jay93367 claire68228
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evette32302 claire68228
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brandi24 claire68228
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