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So so sorry.

Posted , 5 users are following.

audrey96558
audrey96558

God I know I'm being so rubbish at replying to others in this forum at the moment (yet another thing I feel guilty about)... But I just can't shake this low period off.

Everything is weighing on me, I'm obsessed about every little thing, angry, crying, irritable. I just can't seem to get a grip.

I try so hard every day to employ coping strategies. I try and find time for myself, I try and try and this "round" of depression has just been kicking me when I'm down.. Constantly.

I just seem to cry and drink and get angry.

I have to care for my partner so I do that almost on auto-pilot. Then it comes to myself and I'm just all out of energy.

I can't be bothered to shower, to do my hair, paint my nails (all little things I've enjoyed doing all my life).

I just get up, see that my man is bathed/fed/medicated then all I want to do is lie down and sleep.

But I don't sleep. I lie and think. I try and think myself out of this mess.

Then I think about tomorrow and how much time I will spend doing certain things, then I change this into a percentage, then I adapt those percentages into numbers I feel comfortable with (currently multiples/factors of 4 (?)). Then I add them all up and if they don't make 100 I have to go back and alter them.

I spend more time thinking about and writing lists than I actually spend doing those things on my lists.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

I have gotten really bad since my psychology appts ended, I have to go back on waiting list so won't be seeing anyone again until next year.

I feel so lonely and so lost and so redundant.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry xxxx

2 likes, 9 replies

9 Replies

  • ryan49376
    ryan49376 audrey96558

    Posted

    "I feel so lonely and so lost and so redundant".

    You need to get some medications, and get out of this lonelyness. 

    Pack up your stuff, and go somewhere for a while where people care about you. Stay lonely just makes you worse. What could you lose? Gush life is so short that you've got to do whatever you can to get out of this mess. Make yourslef the first priority in your life. Tell yourslef: I can do it. And I promise you, you can do it. Don't throw your life away for nobody, and I mean for nobody. You should come first, regardless of who thinks what.

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 ryan49376

      Posted

      Hi Ryan thanks very much for your response.

      I wish I could just pack up and leave but I have too many people relying on me unfortunately.

      I couldn't ever be happy without those people in my life.

      I know I need to focus on myself though.

      Thank you for your kind words, all the best xxx

  • patricia44773
    patricia44773 audrey96558

    Posted

    Don't apologise, Audrey, you have nothing to be sorry about.

    You really need to see your doctor again and say how you are feeling.  It's terrible that you have to wait so long to see a psychologist.  I think that you should be given priority because you are a carer, you won't be able to do that forever if you carry on as you are.

    Please, please look for more help.

    I wish I could help more, Audrey, I feel so helpless.  You are a lovely person and don't deserve this.

    Sending you a massive hug,

    Pat xxxxxxxxx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 patricia44773

      Posted

      Hi Pat,

      I seem to be back and forth to doctors and they never know what to do with me.

      I went through some tough things when I was younger and the theory currently by my last psychologist was that I had PTSD and until I got to the root of that and really worked through it properly the meds wouldn't be much help.

      Trouble is then the psychologist appts ran out so I'm left a tad adrift.

      I'm wearing myself out looking after my partner, I'm still only in my mid twenties but its so exhausting!

      I just wish the doctor could appreciate what my day to day life is like, I'm so sleep deprived its like a dizziness.

      I'm just utterly at a loss as to what to do and my GP seems all out of ideas too... Maybe I need to change GP?

      I don't know, the thought of doing anything like that scares the hell out of me these days.

      I just wish somebody could come and hold my hand, to look after me.

      I honestly feel like a kid that needs their mum/dad a lot of the time...

      Ridiculous I know.

      Thank you for your kind words.

      Lots of love and beat wishes xxx

  • hypercat
    hypercat audrey96558

    Posted

    Hi Audrey it must be very difficult being a carer for someone and I quite understand you feeling so knackered by it all.  Do you have any help with your partner?   Do you have any family/friends who can stay with him for a few hours or even a few days so you can get away for a break?   How about official help from carers etc.?   You do need more support than you are getting.  Is there a carers group locally you could join?

    Maybe you need a change of meds?   It's a b......r about the counselling but that unfortunately is a reality nowadays.  

    Don't worry about not replying to others when you feel like this.  You do a lot of replying usually and I love seeing your caring supportive posts.  There are times when we cannot do this and need instead.  That's fine and to be expected of a site where we all suffer from depression.  We give when we can and take when we can't.  

    I hope you can get some support love and start to feel better soon.

    Lots of hugs  Bev xx

    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 hypercat

      Posted

      Hi bev,

      Thank you for your response.

      No, not got any help. Just me. His family can't/won't deal with it.

      The only help I could possibly get is through professional carers but I've spoken to my partner at length about it, and whilst he'd do absolutely anything to make my life easier, I know he'd be utterly mortified at having someone else doing the things I do to help him.

      So I guess we are both trying to protect each other but not really getting anywhere?

      I've been in touch with my local Carer's centre and they were lovely, I went to a few groups but it didn't feel quite right.

      Because of my age I'm not a "young carer" anymore (only in mid 20s). So the groups I went to everyone was a lot older than me and most caring for parents/partners with dementia, and I just couldn't really relate. If anything I just felt so terribly for them I wanted to start supporting them too.

      I've had counselling through a Carer's charity which is wonderful but I know I'm reaching my limit on those appts too, the counsellor has already gone above and beyond the usual number of sessions given.

      I'm not on any meds right now, just diazepam for panic attacks. I've tried so many anti depressants its unreal, but all give me awful side effects for not a lot of pay off.

      I'd be willing to try absolutely anything though! I think my GP is all out of ideas.

      Thank you for your kind words.

      Take care and lots of love and best wishes, xxxx

  • stephaney28634
    stephaney28634 audrey96558

    Posted

    Hi Audrey, I know how you feel, I get like that too. are you on anyant depressants?
    • audrey96558
      audrey96558 stephaney28634

      Posted

      Hi,

      Thanks for the response.

      No I'm not on anything at the moment just diazepam for panic attacks.

      I've tried every anti depressant my GP can think of, none have really helped and have given me some awful side effects.

      Have you any good experiences with any?

      Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

      Best wishes and hope you are well xxxx

    • stephaney28634
      stephaney28634 audrey96558

      Posted

      Hi Audrey, I am on Sertraline 100mg, been n them for while. I just felt tred on them. They help with my mood swings. I hope you find something to help with your panic attacks.
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