So tired of health anxiety--does anyone else have these symptoms?

I made this post months ago and after I finally got sick of suffering, I made an appointment with my doctor (my family doctor, not the NP that ran those blood tests I mentioned or the other NP that diagnosed me with GERD) to see if I could put my mind at ease. The falling down, the being unable to physically smile, the stiffness/inability to properly use my fingers? It turns out I actually have an autoimmune disease. But before you let that scare you--because trust me, I know how horrible health anxiety is--I want you to take this as a sign to trust your doctor. Why? Because I told her my symptoms and while we did discuss the possibility of them being related to my mental health, she was able to tell me what she thought was the culprit of my symptoms on the first appointment and with just one blood test, I had my diagnosis.

I spent almost a year suffering and crying at night and absolutely sure that I had a brain tumor that was causing my symptoms and I was sure that I was going to die, but to my complete and utter shock, it was just an autoimmune disease. And while this autoimmune disease is an inconvenience, I can live a full life with it. I thought it was going to be a death sentence, something horrible that they couldn't fix, but it wasn't. That's another thing I want you to take from this: those of us with anxiety often have trouble with all-or-nothing thinking, but we need to remember that even if something is wrong in our bodies, it doesn't have to be a death sentence! I was so certain I had a brain tumor, but it wasn't!

Of course, I don't want you to go thinking "autoimmune disease!" because honestly, my symptoms were so obvious and made it so hard to function in my daily life that for me to wait so long to see a doctor was ridiculous and when I finally did see my doctor, the diagnosis was very easy for her to guess. And because of her ability to find out what was wrong so quickly, after years of suffering from health anxiety, I learned to trust my doctor a little bit more. They know what they're doing and learning that lesson feels like such a relief.

And of course, that annoying little voice in our heads that convinces us we are in danger does cause weakness and even numbness as well, like what you were talking about. The last few nights my panic attacks have returned (for no apparent reason--just general anxiety, not related to my health) and this morning I woke up and there was this moment where my legs were pins and needles and my heart was racing and my vision was blurring--I thought I would pass out, but once I got my heart to slow, I was fine. In addition, while I do have an actual autoimmune disease, anxiety DEFINITELY makes my shaking and weakness worse. It always has, even before the autoimmune disease developed last year. The pins and needles, the hyper-awareness to your body's every function--it can drive you mad.

Now for me, I think the reason I would fear brain tumors and heart problems (my two favorite organs to obsess over) was because they're the most vital, the ones you do not want to get sick. I've really never feared diseases that people live with, like diabetes that you can be treated for. But I know where you are because in previous episodes of health anxiety years ago, I've had tests run and had my doctors tell me nothing was wrong and I've been so frustrated and so sure they were missing something. I was so certain I would be like the people on those medical mystery shows, those people who came near death because their doctors kept telling them they couldn't find anything wrong, but I had to come to the realization that the reason those stories make TV? It's because they're so incredibly rare.

Life is terrifying. Life is terrifying because it ends with death and nobody wants to be that tragedy who died before they got to live, who died too young because they got sick. And your body is such a complicated miracle and there is so much that can go wrong, but when you think about the fact that you've made it this far are life, so much has gone right! Your body has had so many chances to mess up somewhere, biology has had so many chances to make a mistake, but you're still here! Biology is doing a great job! Even my own biology, I've been alive 19 years and the only mistake my body has ever made was making some bad antibodies! The other 18 years, my body maintained itself and made countless cells and took care of SO many functions and it never even slipped up until last year, and the slip-up is something I can live with! I think that's incredible! And yes, now I have to take medicine to make me stronger, but I can function and my body is still doing a million things a day and taking care of itself!

For me, my health anxiety has been rooted in a fear of death, which is rooted in a fear of being forgotten. I don't know if you're religious or not--I'm really not, but I am spiritual. One thing that's helped me is my belief that my soul is seperate from my body, even from the mental illness that plagues my mind. It helps me not to feel so small in a big, chaotic world. Someday, unfortunately, my body will fail me, and I cannot predict when. But I believe my body is only a vehicle for my soul and I don't know what will happen after my vehicle fails, but I do believe the soul goes on. Illness--physically or mental--has no hold over my soul. They are just flaws of my body, which again, has done a fantastic job of getting me this far.

My dear, I have been frenemies with the brain tumor/stroke fear for so long and I know that you're in an awful place where no one, not even the doctors who know your body better than anyone else, can convince you that you're okay. You probably feel like people think you're crazy, that you're annoying or attention-seeking, but you're not. With things like strokes and brain tumors please remember that your doctors are trained to spot these things, and when these ailments are present, doctors can spot them very quickly because they are not the sorts of ailments that can hide. They make themselves obvious. I've been thinking of things like ovarian cancer lately as well but I think that like brain tumors, that sort of illness exhibits certain characteristics that are red flags to your doctors. They aren't very good at hiding. I know there are scary stories out there, but again, those stories become TV episodes and news headlines because they happen so rarely and the chances of you being one of them are microscopic.

I completely agree that the battle against your own mind is the hardest battle you will ever fight. Just because mental illness is invisible does not mean it is not a valid illness--your brain is sick, but not in the way those of us with health anxiety often think. It is not a brain tumor or a stroke or some sort of infection, but a disorder in our ability to reason. I think my health anxiety stemmed from my regular anxiety, which stemmed from the constant fighting I endured growing up. As I grew older, I would go through episodes where the anxiety would decide to torture me by manifesting itself by forcing me to worry about my health. Then I would one day--very suddenly, as strange as it is--slip into a sort of "remission" in regards to health anxiety. And then a few years later it would return, and then another remission. 

My dear, I hope I have not scared you with my story. I was thinking about updating this anyway and when I got an email that someone had replied to this post I thought it might be useful to someone. The intention here is not to give you another illness to worry about, but I wanted to share my story so that others might see that though I did have an actual illness, my doctor was able to pin down what it was in just one visit. There was no wild goose chase--there was something wrong but doctors can see it. And what I have is an uncommon autoimmune disease as well, so please don't let your mind run with "what if my doctors haven't found out what I have yet because its something rare?" Your doctors may not be able to tell what is going on with you, if there is something, but your doctors can at least tell when your life is in danger. If they are not alarmed but you still want to pursue more testing, okay, but please know that if your doctor thought you were in immediate danger, they wouldn't have let you walk out after your appointment. Even if there is something going on, in this moment, your life is not in danger. I hope you can find peace in that, even momentarily.

It sounds like you are grasping that your mind is playing tricks on you. Coming to terms with that, I believe, is the first step toward taking back your mind. I'm not sure what kind of coping techniques you've tried. I won't go on about breathing techniques because those never work for me unless I'm literally on the verge of a panic attack, but one thing for my health anxiety was to write all of my symptoms down and then read through them again, but read through them as if you're someone else. Read through them as if you're reading something someone else posted and you're trying to comfort them. Point out the things that are irrational. I think it helps you think straight because you're able to remove yourself from the fear that is staring you in the face for a moment.

I hope that your therapy goes well! You've certainly been suffering for long enough.