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So tired of it all

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Jonesy77
Jonesy77

My depression came back in late September 2020 and as I was already on 40mg of citalopram, my doctor has added Mirtazapine on and titrated it from 15mg to 45mg. I'm still struggling with depression and anxiety which fixates on me being convinced that I won't get better. As I haven't improved, the doctor has referred me back to the psychiatrist who I will see mid March but the thought of being unwell until then seems like an age. I've also asked for some diazepam to take when my anxiety is really bad. I get myself upset every day, crying to my husband that I feel like a lost cause / will never get better this time etc etc. I'm tired of just existing and not living and I can't see a way forward. I keep telling my husband I want my life to be over but he says what I mean is I just want to be back to the way I was before when I wasn't poorly. I'm doing all the things suggested to fight depression, daily walk, yoga, soothing activities but I'm tired of fighting and seeing no improvement. Can anyone relate?

0 likes, 7 replies

7 Replies

  • david40845
    david40845 Jonesy77

    Edited

    I can definitely relate, that feeling you're never going to get better. Being stuck in that loop of negative thinking, obsessing over whether you'll ever get better, what set it off, what else to do, the suicidal thinking, it's awful.

    Did something set your depression off again? Mirtazapine is a similar drug to diazepam, but it's less drowsy, has the Mirtazapine helped with your anxiety at all?

    Maybe increase the intensity of your exercise, try a slow jog for 30 mins instead of walking, while the depression is worse to boost your endorphins and serotonin.

    Ditch the booze too, if you already haven't.

    • Jonesy77
      Jonesy77 david40845

      Posted

      Hi David,

      Thanks for replying. The negative thoughts you describe are the same for me and are relentless. I try to distract myself but it's a constant battle. Nothing seems to trigger my depression. I just feel myself sliding into it again and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it. I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia last year which I was convinced I had and the doctor referred me to the psychiatrist who said he agreed with me and gave a provisional diagnosis. I'm now on mood stabilizers to prevent hypomania symptoms but they don't seem to stop the depressive episodes.

      With regard to the Mirtazipine, I'm not sure if it is making my anxiety worse or if I'm making myself worse by fixating on all of those negative thoughts. My husband thinks it does nothing for me apart from giving me a good night's sleep and things that when I recover it's just part of the cycle of the Cyclothymia.

      I've often thought about taking up jogging but I'm not sure I have the energy /stamina for it right now. I do walk at a good pace and try to do at least 3 miles a day.

      Take care David and let me know how you're getting on.

      Laura

    • david40845
      david40845 Jonesy77

      Posted

      I just looked up Cyclothymia and really feel for you, random ups and down in depression like that is just the worst.

      I've started to pick up recently so feeling better. It's so hard trying to break that negative thinking cycle, all those CBT techniques to distract your thinking with something else are so much easier said than done. When your brain's balanced out all of that is much easier.

      I'd say it's the depression dip that's causing the anxiety, the Mirtazapine you're taking at night yeah? So it should have mostly worn off by morning. Might want to give it two weeks or so for your body to adjust to it.

      Look up EFT tapping treatment and hypnosis therapy. A skilled psychologist who does these techniques can really help recovery from depressive episodes. A good alternative if you're struggling with CBT based psychological therapy.

      I really hope things start getting better soon for you.

      Dave

    • Jonesy77
      Jonesy77 david40845

      Edited

      I'm so glad to hear you're feeling much better now.

      I've been taking the 45mg of Mirtazapine each night for over 5 weeks now so I think it just doesn't suit me. My husband reckoned that last time I took it I just naturally came out of my depression given time and although I developed hypomania, I was able to manage my symptoms with meditation and yoga. I will look into those two types of treatments you suggest. I try to use the CBT techniques but as you say, they're not easy when you're struggling.

  • cher1971
    cher1971 Jonesy77

    Posted

    please hang in there. i have been where you are and things do and can get better. It takes time. Be patient. Be kind to yourself. Keep talking. Keep doing all the right things you are doing. I also found listening to podcasts really helpful and encouraging. My current listen is Bryony Gordon's Mad World. Keep going You will get there and can feel yourself again. x

    • Jonesy77
      Jonesy77 cher1971

      Posted

      Thank you for taking the time to message me and offer your support. It means a lot. My husband keeps saying similar, that I'm doing all the right things and recovery will just take time. I know I should be kinder to myself but it's hard when you're in a negative frame of mind.

      I'll look into that podcast you recommend, thanks.

      Laura

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