So tired of life

I really don't know what to do anymore. I started a third job this week, just so I would be doing SOMETHING remotely productive where I'm not necessarily forcing myself to be happy. Or maybe I am, and I'm just so USED to the laws of being a retail/service person that acting cheerful has become second nature in those environments.

Within 2 days of starting this new job, I'm already a natural at it. At my primary job, I'm mostly happy and always putting on a brave face for my customers when I'm not in a good place. My original second job doesn't thrill me anymore, it's just another job and another discount, I work there 4 hours/week. When I'm commuting or around larger groups of other people, I'm able to seem happy even when my day has been s**t. Most days I look forward to coming home, yet within an hour I'm already wondering why I'm awake/alive/not at a fourth job. 

I'm depressed. Anxious. Possibly even ADD if not on the spectrum (which I am on a minimum 6 month wait list to even be assessed for ASD). I find no joy in life anymore, I don't even have interest in tasks and projects I started and never finished, in things that I used to REALLY enjoy. I feel stupid, useless, worthless... like I can't do anything right. Like nobody could ACTUALLY really love me. I'm damaged goods and will always be a doormat and never be enough. 

This negative self-view has put a serious damper on my current relationship. My fiance suffers from multiple mental health issues, but he's so used to them that it's much easier to face them. I grew up never being enough, being the stupid kid, being the one with problems.Being constantly asked if I'm on the spectrum, why I'm not smart like my brother, why I can't focus on school and keep my grades up once I passed grade 8. High school was hell; trying to find where I fit in (as it turned out, I was a fellow outcast that never really fit in everywhere). 

I constantly feel like I'm abusing my fiance. We only live together part-time (I rent a place and he comes to babysit the cats and clean), but even so I manage to consistently and repeatedly ruin things. I'm no good at cleaning so I hate to do it. I don't clean up after the cats often enough, I leave messes everywhere, it hurts his OCD. 

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I tear him down by tearing myself down. By blaming myself for everything. By self-sabbotaging. I work to run away, with the excuse that I'm saving for a visit. What can I do? I've been seeing a psychologist and doing CBT, even trying to distract myself into actually being happy... but I'm unhappy more often than not and can't even focus on my wedding  

2 likes, 1 reply