So very very tired of this

Posted , 16 users are following.

I am 52 and have been going through this hormonal hell for the past 4 years. I am going through a really rough spot - physically with a myriad of symptoms and emotinally questioning a lot about my life, myself, my marriage and the future. I am struggling with trying to determine if the new found depression I am feeling is hormonal thereby causing me to question a lot of what is going on in my life and, if I am honest, disliking a lot of where I am at in my life specifically with my marriage.

I feel like as the weeks pass and turn into months that I am slowly removing myself from my relationship. Why do things I would have glossed years ago over now infuriate me? Is it the hormones? I just don't know.

I have such internal rage at times and yet I push it aside for fear if I express it then my husband will view me as unbalanced or just plain insane. He is aware that I am struggling. He is sympathetic (to a degree) but all in all I know he just wants things to be 'normal'.

Today is especially bad...I am in a 'pit' so to speak. I understand now when people who suffer from depression say it's like moving through quick sand. That is how I am feeling at this moment.

And then there are days when all is okay. I say to myself "See, let it pass and things will be back to normal."...but it never stays that way.

I didn't wake up feeling this way. I woke with the usual aches and pains but mentally was okay other than the nagging dread (of who knows what??) that is always in the back of my mind. However, within a couple of hours, this black cloud just washed over me. Just like that. Does anyone else ever have shifts in their mood like this? It is so disconcerting.

I am very thankful for this forum as I know many of you is a safe place to vent with women who truly understand the struggle of menopause.

6 likes, 13 replies

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13 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear Kim

    I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time...

    I know what the black clouds feel like. I too usually start the day okay but if I feel a new symptom during the day it can totally change my mood. It's like I can't focus on anything else than my symptom(s) and it takes all of my energi and all of my attention for the rest of the day.

    It is absolutely awful and I feel that I let everyone down around me. I have recently started talking therapy - hopefully it will take me to a better place.

    I wish you all the best ❤️

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  • Posted

    Hi Kim

    Menopause is rough. It sounds like the depression is coming from the hormones as you are able to feel ok some of the time and then fall into it again. It might be that you are just going through a rehaul of your life as most of us come to terms with during menopause. I think that the hormones are the cause.

    I dont have answers other than i am there myself.

    All the studies point to the obvious that women are 5 x more likely to develop depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, viral syndromes...all of these fun things usually happen to women and during this time frame give or take years ofcourse. 45-58

    So it makes sense why we are here on this forum reaching out for answers.

    Try an tell your husband that its just what it is, and you are doing what you can to sort through it.

    Your rage and/or anger probably comes from the powerlessness you have (we have) or not being enough or fufulling yourself as you want to. its different for all of us, but this is the time that it presents itself.

    support going your way


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  • Posted

    hi Kim

    totally understand what youre saying. its horrific! i feel shattered all the time im on antidepressants and HRT. sometimes my anger feels all consuming. i hate everything and everyone around me, apart from my cats who seem to be my only saviour . i snap at my poor husband all the time, useless at work, cant be bothered with our lovely house and because i work from home i can easily just stay in bed all day with my laptop andcats for company. my memory is non excistant and if i dont leave myself reminders i firget everything . the hysterectomywas tye worst thing in my life and i died of an asthma attack when i was 20!! im just 49 and had my hysterectomy three awful years ago oh and im fat and cannot loose weight

    to top it all i have no idea what has happened to this keyboard and why its typing like this!

    best of luck liz

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  • Posted

    Hi Kim,

    I am 48, and have had lengths of time that go exactly as you describe... I can be having such a good, low-symptom, high energy day, and a few hours later be on my way down into the pit. Sometimes an event seems to trigger it, but sometimes it just happens.

    Being in the pit is also exactly as you describe... my habit is to see the silver lining, but when I am in the pit, I can't see past asking "what's the point?" and "can't I just have a normal stretch once in a while?"

    And yes, it makes me question everything.

    I have been (probably obsessively) tracking my symptoms for a while, and there is definitely a pattern for me. So if my time in the pit is right on schedule, I try to do a few nice things for myself until I get through it. It can take days, but it does pass. Heading into winter makes it worse for me, too. Struggling myself at the moment.

    The few random walks into the pit still scare me some. And make me lose confidence in a big way. ( Combine that with the various other symptoms, and I feel like a mess.)

    You are not alone.

    I will say that I have had much greater success getting through each trip since the Dr prescribed an antidepressant. I hate that I need it, but it has really helped keep me from hitting rock bottom and staying there.

    Sending some healing thoughts your way.... hang in there.

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  • Posted

    Hi Kim

    oh its so hard darlin and yes ive had the same.. the mood swings with very bad thinking and dark clouds....please keep talking to your husband and in here as you need to keep venting about how you feel... your mind is trying to cope with all the physical changes to your body and it does affect our minds through this is tough but hang tight as you are not alone....

    please google the 66 symptoms of the change that is found at this site and im sure you will relate to many of them... keep the channels open with your hubby as so important you let him in regardless of how you feel. this will pass and im a testiment to it...keep checking in here lovey for support and go to your doctor if you find you are not coping. CK

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  • Posted

    Hello, Yes just today I texted by friend about sadness and frustration. I told her work is difficult, kids are in their own heads, spouse seems useless to me, I need to start decorating but no desire. I want to get a few bird feeders out but need help so they are secure. It seems like all I have is obstacles in the way. I did vaccum and took a nap with the cats. But for some reason I feel alone-- this must be a dissconnection of some sort. I didn't even shower and still in PJ's which will shower before bed tonight. And this morning I thought 'why am I here?'; meaning I should just stay in the city for a night or two just to get away. So yes, my hormones are flying all around. I need to make sure I'm taking my supplements, drinking water and eat healthy foods hoping that I will feel better soon. Give you spouse a try-- If he is trying, that means something!! My spouse has no clue nor does he care which is a big frustration to me.. Take care!!

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  • Posted

    Thank you all for your kind, insightful and supportive replies. I cannot tell you how much your words help.

    For me, one of the most difficult aspects of this journey is the isolation I feel. Not one of my immediate friends is having the difficulty I am. Yes - they have complained about the occasional hot flash or a bit of weight gain but none of them have talked about the anxiety, depression, muscle aches and pains, digestive issues, migraines, heart palpitations or the general sense of feeling as if their life force is slipping away.

    If it were not for this forum (and another I discovered), I honestly would feel like I was going insane. Even my (somewhat supportive) husband asked me about a month ago "How come none of your friends are having trouble right now?". I replied honestly and said "I don't know. I just must be one of the very unlucky ones whose life has been turned upside down by this."

    What is so strange and odd to me is that the very dark depressed feeling I had this morning as I so eloquently described as a "pit" has lifted. This is what is so difficult for me to grasp quickly my feelings can change. Why? How? I have no answer. I do know that it makes it almost impossible for me to plan events because I can't count on how I may feel - day to day - even hour by hour. That alone is depressing and I know affecting me emotionally.

    I am trying to be more accepting of who I've become. I have fought it for 4 years now and it's just not doing me any good. As much as I wish I were the old me, I am now trying to accept and be more forgiving of this new me. Not easy but I'm trying.

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    • Posted

      hi kim, i so understand what you're saying, the way this process messes with you mind needs to be discussed more, it is debilitating. i have no idea what mood ill be in from one hour to the next at the moment - i was feeling ok earlier, and then in the past hour i got a head rush, dizziness, nausea, shaking and tremor - all in the space of 15 mins, just want to go to bed but ive got 2 little kids so have to stay active for them, just keep going and say this too shall pass, because it will x

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    • Posted

      omg that just happened to me...have visitors today...was doing ok...then I just hit a wall, terrible fatigue, dizziness, nausea, then heart palps and terrible hot flashes...had to disappear for an hour and rest. horrible...soooooo sick of all this! I feel like death at 41!

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    • Posted

      Hi Kim, I could so relate to your post. I am in perimenopause. This was definitively confirmed by lab results just today. I'm almost 49 and looking back I can see that my symptoms have grown increasingly worse over the last four years. I too was so grateful to find others that were going through the same thing. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew something wasn't RIGHT.

      I am planning on starting bioidentical hormones to treat my symptoms (severe depression, anxiety, insomnia, 'brain fog', irritability, headaches, heavy periods, joint pain, severe fatigue...) I'm already on antidepressants for depression since my late 20's.

      Have you considered hormone replacement treatment?

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  • Posted

    I was at a terrible condition a year ago at 41 due to my early meno. Things are much better now. I started hrt almost immediately and feel like my old self again. I don't find anything normal at meno, I strongly believe that we cannot survive without our hormones. I try to think positive and I see my condition as a hormonal imbalance and hrt helps to have my hormones stabilized. Hope it helps!

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    • Posted

      Hello my friend Vicky,

      I had a surgery last week if your remember me in order to remove a cyst from my ovary!

      But unfortunately, my peri symptoms are still here. Thank God no pains due to surgery procedure, at all!

      In my next appointment with my doctor, I am intended to ask for treatment.

      I am younger than you and this is not normal at all.

      I hope you are doing well.

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