Social anxiety just getting worse

hi Amanda, 

I came on today because I have having a tough time myself. I too find it hard to follow through with suggestions (which are all logical) to help me push through and face my fears. At the moment, a lot of things make me anxious. Noone ever gave me an official diagnosis but generalised anxiety disorder was once suggested. It seems to fit as my anxiety is usually constant, about everyday things etc. . . 

Anyways, included in my anxiety, I worry about meeting people. I have some close friends. Mostly friends who I meet one-on-one.I have not met my group of schoolfriends in quite a while now. I feel on the edge and uncomfortable and out of sync. (I spent a year away the year before last and since I got back, I have felt out of the loop and not quite comfortable with them. It doesn't help that my Dad was diagnosed with cancer last year and I don't feel like they offer much support.) I know that to get back in sync with them, I need to meet up with them more often. But I always find reasons not to . . .and lately they haven't written in the group chat at all even though I am nearly 100% sure that they chat amongst each other separately. . . Anyways, lately, I have been avoiding texting back nearly all of my friends. I feel like I don't know what to say. I never  go out at night anymore. I don't feel confident with the way I look. I have stopped wearing makeup as I think I'm slightly allergic to it but I feel self-conscious going out without it when all the other girls wear it. I tend to not put as much effort into my looks as I used to because I feel conflicted that women should spend so much time changing their natural appearance for a night out. . . but I can't help but feel inadequate next to girls who have lots of makeup, dress on, legs out, big jewelry, hair and nails done. I don't go out with my classmates on nights out mainly because of this and because I feel like I am down/anxious and bad company, that they can tell this or think that I'm just quiet and no fun. . . And lately, I have stopped contacting my close friends who I meet one-on-one . . .because I feel like thye will be fed up of listening to me moping about how difficult I am finding things. 

I guess you could say that I don't have Social Anxiety as much as I have low confidence/anxiety and depression but it affects how much I feel able to socialise, even to speak with my family I feel self-conscious. Even with my therapist lately too.  I have been going for just over a year but lately I have even been wondering if the talking therapy is any good anymore because lately I have just felt so stuck but I keep going because I know that for a long time, I used to feel much better after. . . And I am doing slightly better than I was a few weeks ago when I hit a major bump in the road due to a few challenges in a row. 

So what I am trying to relay via all of the above is that I can relate to how you are feeling. . . 

I am struggling myself and still finding things really difficult so I am afraid I cannot tell you a wonderful success story but here are some thoughts that might help:

- Firstly, I struggle SO much with this myself but I feel like the only way you can get over the anxiety is to do the thing that makes you anxious. And repeat until your body and mind start realising that you are not in mortal danger when you do so. I think the key is to find little steps that make it easier to do.  You just need to figure out what the little steps are. 

-I think one of those steps is therapy. It helps. Or it is at least worth a good shot. From experience, I find that the first few therapy sessions, as you are gaining the therapists trust, you don't talk about the things that you may really need to talk about. It depends on how much shame/guilt/anxiety/self-doubt etc. you feel. Why not try giving therapy a few sessions to see how it goes? It sounds like you are really struggling with this problem? What is the worst that can happen if you try therapy for a few weeks?

- Re. the anxiety you feel about going to therapy - Your therapist is not meant to judge and will have had other patients with social anxiety. I know it can be scary going. I don't think anybody goes to therapy without feeling some vulnerability. . . Did you let your therapist know why you felt you had to leave? Did you explain how anxious even going to therapy makes you? Perhaps your first step could be to let the therapist know this. I am sure they will be willing to help and reschedule for another time. Why not try giving them a call to explain and ask them if they have any tips for you to alleviate your anxiety before sessions? Or you can send a text message if talking on the phone is difficult. Ask your boyfriend to help you write the text or to be there when you make the call if you are getting very nervous about it.

-Perhaps it would help if you boyfriend brought you to therapy. It sounds like he is supportive. He has encouraged you to go to therapy but you are finding it difficult. Do you think you would feel safer if you knew he was dropping you off and picking you up? Or even that he was waiting for you in the waiting room or somewhere else nearby during therapy in case you did feel overwhelmed? Would it be helpful if he went in with you? (I know you might not want to say everything you would usually say to therapist in front of him so maybe you would prefer not to, I'm just throwing out some suggestions as to what might make the initial first appointment, or first couple of appointments back with therapist a bit easier!)

- On the boyfriend note, you must have managed to be good enough around people to have found your boyfriend, right?  You clearly socialised enough to meet him initially, go on some dates and start going out. So you are better at social than you think! Welldone! As I said, he sounds supportive. He obviously cares about you and WANTS to help you. Please try not to bring yourself down about relying on him and letting him help you. I have been doing this to myself as regards my friends and family, it doesn't help because I feel MORE down about myself rather than more confident as they try to encourage and support me. 

-Also, does your boyfriend have have some friends? Maybe you could go with him to meet his friends. Or just one of his friends if that feels safer. I know it is good for both partners in a relationship to have their own friends but perhaps this could make socialising a little easier. 

- When you do go arrange to meet someone, it doesn't have to be a meeting for hours and hours or a full night out etc. You could meet for a tea/coffee, or a walk where you can end the meeting once you start feeling uncomfortabe. Perhaps there are some activities that might make it easier? If you went to the cinema for example, you would only be chatting a bit before and after the movie if you went home soon enough after. Or if you particularly like playing bowling or pool, maybe that would make it easier to socialise.  - I know personally, I find those kind of activities much less daunting  than nights out as with nights out I feel the pressure of having to dress up and drink alcohol, neither of which I am comfortable with at the minute. . .But maybe for you, you love a good dance and a couple of hours out in a place it's too loud to hear each other talking could be the perfect activity to ease your social anxiety?

-Maybe, if you go out just you and your boyfriend where there are other people, it will make the idea of going out with someone you know less well easier? Perhaps if you tried going on a night out, going out to dinner, going for a walk in town when it's busy. You don't have to aim to find/talk to new people but little interactions talking to the cashier while paying etc. could ease you into things. Perhaps you could make it a goal to have 1 brief interaction like this each time you go out with your boyfriend and then keep increasing it?

Whatever you do, just remember if you stay at home, don't go to therapy and keep avoiding chances to meet people - this will not get better. I know (believe me, I really do), that right now all you want is for someone to flick a switch in your brain so that all the social anxiety thoughts just stop and you can get on with your life but I'm afraid that just simply isn't how it works. You need to fight the anxiety. Try and choose little, doable steps and keep at it and theory says it'll become easier. It's not easy but if you can try to find ways of minimising your discomfort, make sure you have support (you have your boyfriend, family perhaps? And if you allow yourself by pushing through and attending your therapy, you could have your therapist for special support as they are trained to deal with these things)  praise yourself for little achievements, you will learn to overcome this. 

I sincerely wish you all the best and hope I have been of some help. 

Agirl xx