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Social anxiety, sexual guilt, and the loss of my mother PLEASE HELP

Posted , 4 users are following.

jared79865
jared79865

Hi, I’m not sure where else to ask this question so I’m posting it here. I’m a straight 17 year old male in my senior year of high school.   When I was going into 8th grade, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. That year was extremely difficult for me. I had always been a very extroverted person but I became extremely insecure that year. I also got very bad acne which further ruined my self image. This was also the year that my addiction to pornography began, and it is still something I struggle with today.  Then, in my sophomore year of high school my mother passed away from her cancer (I was 15 at the time).  Adding to my stress of losing my mother, I feel tremendous guilt over my sexual addiction. My fantasies can be pretty normal, ranging from celebrities, to girls at my school, but from time to time they will get very dark. For example fantasizing about rape (in which I am the instigator), incest, and even thinking of individuals much younger than me. For example I have fantasized about having relations with a 9 year old.  I hate myself SO MUCH for having these thoughts and I would NEVER act upon them. Just thinking of it makes me sick and I have tremendous guilt.  I am attracted to girls my own age and these fantasizes are not who I am.  This is not who I am as a person and I KNOW that but I still cannot get past this guilt that consumes me.  I fear that one day I will have to tell my wife these things and she will hate me. I feel like if people really knew what went on in my head they wouldn’t want to be a friend anymore. I feel like these things may also contribute to my social anxiety and mild depression, (which have caused me to self-harm before).  I haven’t had any dark fantasies lately nor have I self harmed but I can’t help but think that if my mom were still alive and she knew of these things she’d be disgusted to have me as her son.  Last, I am realizing even my early childhood had some strangely sexual themes. For example, I would play with LEGO characters, but would make one of them force the other one to “get naked” and kiss. I also got erections at a young age, and while I didn’t masturbate, I’d touch my penis. Finally, when I was young, I would go to my mother and rub my legs on hers and so forth, and now that I think back, the feeling that I got while doing this was similar to sexual arousal. Do you think it’s possible I was sexually abused at some point and this is why I had these fantasies and feelings? I realize this is a very long post but I appreciate any help. Thank you.

1 like, 5 replies

5 Replies

  • jan34534
    jan34534 jared79865

    Posted

     Sorry you're going through this Jared. I think the best thing you can do for yourself now is to speak with a counselor who can really help You.  Remember they cannot share any discussion  they have with you to anybody.  It's The law.

     A professional would know exactly  what to do to help you sort these things out and have peace of mind.  Don't be shy about going because they see these things on a daily basis. And know how to help. 

    Please don't hate yourself.

    You had a huge loss in your life  and it's often difficult to make sense of it and move on with your life.   Sometimes there are things buried deep in our minds that were not even aware of.  This is where a counselor can help you sort things out. 

     just take one day at a time. You're going to be fine soon as you get a little support. I'm sure you are  a good person and have a lot to offer this world. 

     take care and let us know how you are doing! ??😁

    • jared79865
      jared79865 jan34534

      Posted

      Thank you for replying to me, your words actually helped a lot.  You’re right, maybe I’m not a bad person but I made mistakes.  I’m going to try my best to learn from them and move on.  In the future I hope to see a counselor but maybe not until I’m 18 because I don’t want to explain to my dad why I think I need one.  Thank you again so much
  • Backtome
    Backtome jared79865

    Posted

    Hi jared

    I'm very sorry you lost your mother at such a young age. That is heart breaking and has likely caused a lot of anxiety and depression.

    I think it's great you have accepted the fact that porn is an issue so I think you should avoid it and try to focus on more constructive activities. Counselling would definitely be a huge help but it can take time to find a counsellor that you feel comfortable with so don't give up if you don't like the first one you try.

    As for the fantasies I don't think it means there's something wrong with you or that your a bad person or that you would ever act on these things. I think it can be due to excessive porn use which can cause some of these dark thoughts.

    You are at an age where hormones are crazy and can lead to a lot of confusion or guilt etc a counsellor would help you work through this and help you process and understand some of it.

    It doesn't mean you could have been abused. I think you would likely remember that but many children experiment or engage in self stimulation. In psychology it's not seen as an "abnornal" behaviour or even a sexual behaviour. It's just self exploration and it's very common. Even using a cushion or someone's leg for example for stimulation doesn't mean you were engaging in sexual behaviour. You were just responding to stimulation that you didn't know or understand at the time.

    I'm sorry your struggling so much with all this but things will get better ?

    • jared79865
      jared79865 Backtome

      Posted

      Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it means a lot.  I think you’re right about my darker thoughts being caused by excessive pornography. I’m going to try and redirect my energy into other activities instead of porn, for example I am learning the guitar so I will try and release stress through music instead. Again thank you so much 
    • Backtome
      Backtome jared79865

      Posted

      No problem. And you don't need to explain to anyone why you want counselling. Just say you have been feeling down since your mom died and need to talk to someone.

      It might be good for you to join an addiction forum too. I'm not sure if there is one here or not but you can check through the search option.

      Good luck with the guitar lessons. 👍

      Hope things get better soon

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