Some say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

But what if your situation is not the temporary?

I am a male in my upper 40s and here is my situation. I have been working since 23 in IT field mostly on Wall Street and eventually becoming an entrepreneur with 5 different incomes by my low 30s. Starting in 2008 thing started to unravel and go down hill. In 2008 I lost a small fortune and 90% of my savings when the market crashed in 2008. I sold one other online biz for very low price in 2009 due to economy, plus I lost my 9-5 job on Wall Street due to merger, and closed another franchise biz due to economy as well. By 2010 I was left with one biz but had a lot of potential until super storm sandy demolished it, and to make the long story shorter my lawyer botched my case after the hurricane and I was left with nothing by 2014.

I still had a high-ruae apartment which soon became unaffordable so I moved to a studio and while looking for work I was doing uber by night. After 5-6 weeks I couldn’t land an IT job, so I was just ubering 5-6 days a week until my car fell apart. Bought a new car last year , 4 months later it gets stolen and of course I didn’t have gap insurance. Soo by November I was in a small studio with just my dog, my wife left me a few months prior due to bickering mostly about finances, but I don’t blame her for leaving me. When my folks who live in California found out about my situation they talked me in to move to Cali and live with them till I find something stable. I was happy since I finally have a break on not worrying about my finances for a bit. I stated to sell most of my furniture and get rid of everything that I didn’t need. Within a few weeks while I was getting ready to move, I believe the idea of me moving in got too real for my parents and they called me with bunch of different reasons /excuses, of course I seen the writing on the wall and I’m not going to go somewhere where I’m not wanted. I should note that they were never there for me in the past, very selfish people. So now it’s summer 2017 I have no car, no furniture, very little money which I did not want to spend since I need to feed my dog. I started working very hard on my resume plus taking online courses to refresh my IT skills. I studied for 6 months while delivering pizza on a bike(yes from Wall Street to this).

By February of this year my body started breaking down due to pizza delivery job, also fell/crashed my bike. I started applying to 5-10 jobs a day and after 10 interviews I have no job. I know for a fact I’m getting discriminated by employers due to age, not my skills, of course I can’t prove it.

So now after 4 months of job hunting I’m broke, depressed, depletes, and alone since everyone abandoned me which also hurts since I helped A lot of people with either there careers or finances when they needed. My family has not called in over a year, they afraid I might ask for help. My landlord gave me 4 weeks to either get a job or pay her 4k for back rent otherwise I have to move. I have no place to go, can’t find any job even a retail job since I’m missing a limb and most places see it as handicap, even though I don’t. I do think I’m an asset with my IT skills plus if I land a good job most things would fall into place, but I’m running out of time. Oh and if I get a $12 job I’ll be working just for rent, food, insurance , and back rent, but even that’s becoming impossible to get.

As you can see my situation is not temporary, I been struggling for last 3 years and I’m about to become homeless. I have anxiety daily, can’t sleep much. I been thinking of taking my life for over a year now, I did try 3 years ago but didn’t succeed. This time I have pretty much everything laid out except the date. Now I left a lot out but I had so many misfortunes in past 4-5 years that it’s like I’m cursed, it’s crazy. I think back on my life from a decade ago and it feels like a dream.. my life become my worse nightmare.

I did take zoloft when I was 27 due to depression and it changed my life for better to say the least. For the past 5 years nothing works, not zolaf or any other antidepressants, I tried them all. 😢Now I just take . 5mg klanapins when needed.

Anyway sorry for my long rant, I don’t have anyone to talk to, sucks! Please try not to reply with telling me reasons not to do it, I read them already. It’s not that I woke up today and decided it, been planning for months. I rather be dead than jobless and homeless.

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