Some say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem

Posted , 8 users are following.

But what if your situation is not the temporary?

I am a male in my upper 40s and here is my situation. I have been working since 23 in IT field mostly on Wall Street and eventually becoming an entrepreneur with 5 different incomes by my low 30s. Starting in 2008 thing started to unravel and go down hill. In 2008 I lost a small fortune and 90% of my savings when the market crashed in 2008. I sold one other online biz for very low price in 2009 due to economy, plus I lost my 9-5 job on Wall Street due to merger, and closed another franchise biz due to economy as well. By 2010 I was left with one biz but had a lot of potential until super storm sandy demolished it, and to make the long story shorter my lawyer botched my case after the hurricane and I was left with nothing by 2014.

I still had a high-ruae apartment which soon became unaffordable so I moved to a studio and while looking for work I was doing uber by night. After 5-6 weeks I couldn’t land an IT job, so I was just ubering 5-6 days a week until my car fell apart. Bought a new car last year , 4 months later it gets stolen and of course I didn’t have gap insurance. Soo by November I was in a small studio with just my dog, my wife left me a few months prior due to bickering mostly about finances, but I don’t blame her for leaving me. When my folks who live in California found out about my situation they talked me in to move to Cali and live with them till I find something stable. I was happy since I finally have a break on not worrying about my finances for a bit. I stated to sell most of my furniture and get rid of everything that I didn’t need. Within a few weeks while I was getting ready to move, I believe the idea of me moving in got too real for my parents and they called me with bunch of different reasons /excuses, of course I seen the writing on the wall and I’m not going to go somewhere where I’m not wanted. I should note that they were never there for me in the past, very selfish people. So now it’s summer 2017 I have no car, no furniture, very little money which I did not want to spend since I need to feed my dog. I started working very hard on my resume plus taking online courses to refresh my IT skills. I studied for 6 months while delivering pizza on a bike(yes from Wall Street to this).

By February of this year my body started breaking down due to pizza delivery job, also fell/crashed my bike. I started applying to 5-10 jobs a day and after 10 interviews I have no job. I know for a fact I’m getting discriminated by employers due to age, not my skills, of course I can’t prove it.

So now after 4 months of job hunting I’m broke, depressed, depletes, and alone since everyone abandoned me which also hurts since I helped A lot of people with either there careers or finances when they needed. My family has not called in over a year, they afraid I might ask for help. My landlord gave me 4 weeks to either get a job or pay her 4k for back rent otherwise I have to move. I have no place to go, can’t find any job even a retail job since I’m missing a limb and most places see it as handicap, even though I don’t. I do think I’m an asset with my IT skills plus if I land a good job most things would fall into place, but I’m running out of time. Oh and if I get a $12 job I’ll be working just for rent, food, insurance , and back rent, but even that’s becoming impossible to get.

As you can see my situation is not temporary, I been struggling for last 3 years and I’m about to become homeless. I have anxiety daily, can’t sleep much. I been thinking of taking my life for over a year now, I did try 3 years ago but didn’t succeed. This time I have pretty much everything laid out except the date. Now I left a lot out but I had so many misfortunes in past 4-5 years that it’s like I’m cursed, it’s crazy. I think back on my life from a decade ago and it feels like a dream.. my life become my worse nightmare.

I did take zoloft when I was 27 due to depression and it changed my life for better to say the least. For the past 5 years nothing works, not zolaf or any other antidepressants, I tried them all. 😢Now I just take . 5mg klanapins when needed.

Anyway sorry for my long rant, I don’t have anyone to talk to, sucks! Please try not to reply with telling me reasons not to do it, I read them already. It’s not that I woke up today and decided it, been planning for months. I rather be dead than jobless and homeless.

1 like, 7 replies

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    What awful bad luck! Can’t go on for ever. Just as your circumstances originally changed it will in the future too. An underlying problem is that your chronic depression has been exacerbated by your circumstance wearing you down. 

    If it were me I would contact a suicide prevention hotline and get referrals for some assistance. You mention you are missing a limb so that may make you eligible for vocational rehabilitation. With the mental health diagnosis also perhaps SSI. A family service league or social service agency should be able provide guidance.  You deserve some assistance to help get you stabilized. Also contact an animal rescue group and let them know your circumstance. Perhaps they can help with dog food and support in maintaining your dog. 

    You certainly deserve some help getting back on your feet.  You need to get connected. A hotline can get you phone numbers and addresses of community resources in Manhattan.  With all you endured financially and emotionally you are very deserving of a little support. NO man is an island. 

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  • Posted

    You have had a horrible time of it. You must be stronger than you realize to have made it this far. Especially without supports. 

    Can you go on social assistance or a disability assistance of some sort?

    Reach out to your family again don’t take no for an answer they are family they have some responsibility if something was to happen to you they will say if only we knew!

    I have had number of terrible things happen in my life in the past ten years and every time I think it can’t get worse it does. I know I am strong too but there are days o don’t think I can go on. 

    Remember how strong you are and think of your dog. Hugs 

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  • Posted

    HI you have been through the mill and I am sorry you might end up homeless etc. It's at times like this I am grateful I live in the UK and there is a lot more help available.

    I am not going to patronise you or try and talk you out of anything. I will say that although I can't give you one good reason not to take your life but I really hope you don't.  At least not until you have explored every option such as disability,  friends etc.  You have to give yourself every chance you can to change your life around.  

    I have been suicidal for much of my life but have successfully put it off for many years by making a decision every morning that today isn't going to be the day I do it.  I am also stubborn and I just refuse to let the B******* win.  

    Stay with us and talk to us please and we will help as much as we can.  x

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  • Posted

    Hi NYer. You sure ran into a long spell of bad luck, no question. I don't blame you for feeling down, don't blame you a bit. You must be pretty discouraged.

    But, I hope you don't end it all. You also sound like a guy with a lot to offer the world. Maybe the long spell of GOOD luck is right around the corner? You never know.

    I'm 63 and have battled clinical depression since I was 12. I've thought of suicide before, even got to 'ideation' like you have. But I never quite did it. Some of my friends have and they're gone now. I wonder if they'd just hung on a wee bit long if things might have changed for the better?

    I've been on 20 mg of Paxil for over 25 years. It takes the edge off and eliminates the worst levels of depression. I still have my times when I'm down, but the Paxil helps me work through it.

    I hope things start turning up for you, you've hung strong through some of the worst times. That has to stand for something. Take care.

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  • Posted

    Hi NYer - I'm so sorry to read what you have been through. Life is hard and it don't rain, it pours. It beats us or we beat it. I hope you find some relief and peace, whatever you decide. We are always here to talk.

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  • Posted

    I will tell you something you CAN do. You can write. You have one hell of a story to tell, and from the length of your message, you like to express yourself. I know it's not the immediate financial and emotional fix you're looking for, but keep that thought in front of you. I'm serious, why not write a memoir, detailing your amazing tale. If you don't know where to start, buy one of the many how-to books out there on memoir writing, and go for it. It may or may not earn you some money but the achievement will really give you a boost. 

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    • Posted

      Lakeside and NYer - it's true. I'm a writer and the satisfaction is enormous. Also, the tale is there for you to go back to years later - you will see how things have changed and what a survivor you are. Go for it

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