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I'm 16 years old, female. I'm not much of a downer like to the point I can't handle my actions. I just feel so much hate, but I love the people that I sometimes hate. I tend to forget what I feel easily but when I feel, it's too much. It's like you get to forget quick and be calm but when you are on the moment you feel all the hatred building up to the peek. That's why I am a quiet and observant type of person. The more I observe too the more the hate builds up. You know what's worse? I have nobody to tell what I feel. I get to understand them and be with them but they couldn't be like me (they don't have to be exactly like me). I couldn't tell what makes me mad even to my older family members. They wouldn't listen and take seriously to what I say like I do. I couldn't express or explain very accurately. It's also hard for me to make eye contact (I still can but it doesn't come out naturally) because I tend to look at bodt language and face language. I listen to how they speak and how they say their insights. And all those makes me mad but all I got to do is listen and be quiet. I hate it when they tell me that my friend of mine can do eye contact and smile and sit properly. I know I can't, why not tell me straight to the point? I have a lot going on my mind. It's not always about myself, I just need someone who can understand me truly. I always think of others too, why are they like that, they say ironic lessons that must apply to themselves. It's not that I came from a very traumatic experience but maybe being too quiet and being unable to talk and trust someone are some causes. I feel so mad like sometimes I wanted to kill myself or just kill everybody. But I won't or I can't. I want to hurt something or shout or be able to get out all of these. I bet you can't understand me too because I couldn't enumerate all what's going on accurately. I'm sorry guys, I would like to know what's this whole thing going on to me.
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