Somebody understand me or what do you call how I see things

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I'm 16 years old, female. I'm not much of a downer like to the point I can't handle my actions. I just feel so much hate, but I love the people that I sometimes hate. I tend to forget what I feel easily but when I feel, it's too much. It's like you get to forget quick and be calm but when you are on the moment you feel all the hatred building up to the peek. That's why I am a quiet and observant type of person. The more I observe too the more the hate builds up. You know what's worse? I have nobody to tell what I feel. I get to understand them and be with them but they couldn't be like me (they don't have to be exactly like me). I couldn't tell what makes me mad even to my older family members. They wouldn't listen and take seriously to what I say like I do. I couldn't express or explain very accurately. It's also hard for me to make eye contact (I still can but it doesn't come out naturally) because I tend to look at bodt language and face language. I listen to how they speak and how they say their insights. And all those makes me mad but all I got to do is listen and be quiet. I hate it when they tell me that my friend of mine can do eye contact and smile and sit properly. I know I can't, why not tell me straight to the point? I have a lot going on my mind. It's not always about myself, I just need someone who can understand me truly. I always think of others too, why are they like that, they say ironic lessons that must apply to themselves. It's not that I came from a very traumatic experience but maybe being too quiet and being unable to talk and trust someone are some causes. I feel so mad like sometimes I wanted to kill myself or just kill everybody. But I won't or I can't. I want to hurt something or shout or be able to get out all of these. I bet you can't understand me too because I couldn't enumerate all what's going on accurately. I'm sorry guys, I would like to know what's this whole thing going on to me.

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7 Replies

  • Posted

    Hey there

    This is a lot like myself when I was your age! Except I'm male I can see looking back at how angry and unreasonable I was to put it bluntly I was a a**hole teenager! Not saying you are!!! What I'm say is the way we act and feel will change as we grow you do have to watch the hate side of things so as to not let it evolve into violence.

    I had a bad temper and as I grew found it easier to just remove my self from the situation!

    I did like you comment on looking in the eyes!

    I've always tried to look people straight in the eye and shake hand firmly which I believe is a confidence thing people take more notice of someone that stands tall looks you in the eye!

    Hey I know I've probably been no help what I'm trying to say is things will change things will get better believe me!

    And yes I do know where your coming from!

    Your going to get this abit about the age thing and at your age there's so much going on so much you want to do but have other controlling factors that put the brakes on

    Hence the hate/anger maybe!

    It's a tuff time of life you feel like an adult but no one treats you like one!

    Right that's enough dribble from me! Stay positive and for gods sake reach out if things get you down!! It helps just to get stuff off your chest !!

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    • Posted

      Thank you for relating, even it's not very similar but I felt some similarities. Yeah, maybe it's part of teenage days for having this kind of feeling but I have my reasons. Maybe you too. Thank you for the positive outlook, I'll remember to think nothing will last forever, the burden and anger.

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  • Posted

    Hi sweetheart,

    I am glad you wrote something on here. It's a start for trying to express yourself!

    If you don't mind, I would like to ask a question to try to understand better what is happening to you and why you are so angry. That's alot to carry alone.

    You wrote that "if you talk to family members, they wouldn't listen and take seriously to what you say like you do". 

    Do you think this is happening because they are dismissing your feelings, or do you think it is because you have trouble finding the right words to express your feelings and what you like to do? Or is it a combination of these things.

    What do you like to do? I would love to hear the things that you like to do.

    I know you wrote more than this, But I don't want to overwhelm you with too many questions. I hope to hear from you because you have a lot going on and it can be hard to figure things out on your own. I rely heavily on my best friend to help me narrow things down to figure out what the real issue is with me when I get upset.

    It has been tremendously helpful to me, and maybe I or someone else on here can try to help you begin to express yourself or just give you a chance to be heard and respect you ideas and your ways.

    I hope to hear from you.

     

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    • Posted

      This touched me, I wish I had a bestfriend too like that. I'm cool with questions, it makes everything easier to point out since I can't explain or express meself. I tried talking to people older than me to find guidance and comfort but it will turn out about them. They'll start to compare their younger selves to me. Like, everything that I feel now is worthless compared to them. They'll imply non verbatim nags and perspective about me. It's just that when they have problems I take and listen to them seriously and understandingly. I would be careful for my words so that they won't get hurt even more. I would always apply encouragement words. But maybe not to expect everything in return? Maybe that's right. I am surrounded with people who are mentally depressed (for reals) and self-centered ones. Selfish too. I thought before that if everyone is like that then somebody should adjust. So I chose not to be like them. I observed and be quiet. It's hard because they couldn't hear you, they couldn't understand you when you explain. They'll ignore you. Lots of things happened in my life but I can't write it all here because I have buried them in the past. The thing is when I get the feeling of hate it's double the worth. But I get to forget real quick. It's kind of a good and bad thing. These days, I couldn't avoid getting mad or feel gate towards everybody. One thing about avoiding hate is also avoiding eye contact. I believe what comes out of your mouth, comes out from your heart. It's true. I may be ignorant on independent stuff like memorizing directions and happenings, but I tend to pay attention on a person's language (body, tone, expression). Some are good but most aren't. That's why I get the feeling of hate if I get to make contact longer. I tried showing this to my friend, maybe she could be reliable. But turns out no, that's why I can't tell emotions to other non-related people, they might use it against you or they don't really get you. She said "what do you call me then?? That's why I'm here!" I tried explaining but she didn't let me get to talk. Then I realized, what's the sense? I can't find the right words out of me. No use of explaining. You're right it might be a combination of the two. The elderly people would just see me as someone who doesn't know anything and don't take me seriously like I matter. While, I do all-in with them. Then after class I tried expressing myself to my friend but she just stayed quiet. She may be listening but in the end she doesn't know what to say or do. That's where I think we don't have the same ride on emotions. My sister isn't a reliable listener because she, herself only thinks about her self. I love her but she's more of a material person. My mom's depressed. My aunt's weak and looks lowly of me for being unable to say what I want (but she's good). My grandma for nagging and grandpa for making me uncomfortable (he started to get talkative and touchy to me these past days, if he'd done that before I wouldn't see it as a malicious act) btw, they're all christians and speak the word of God. There are lots of stuff I think but I couldn't say because no one runs the same mind as me. My cousin that's the same age as me has his own world and he has lots of secrets. I would want to have no cousins if we couldn't say the truth to each other. Anyways, I appreciated the way you understand even though I'm not accurate. I hope I could find a bestfriend like yours. I'm so touched and I hope people like you are around me. You guys know how to relate and be careful. :'wink

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    • Posted

      Hi sunshine! I am so glad to hear back from you!

      Wow! That is a lot to carry.

      If I understand correctly, you have been a good listener and have been trying to be an encouraging person. It doesn't seem like that has been recipricated back to you.  One sided relationships are very lonely and they are draining and heavy on a soul. . Love is a "give and take" and when it happens correctly, it is a beautiful thing.

      It sounds like you gave up your heart and who you are when you made the decision to not be like them. That shows that you have a remarkable love to try to be kind even at your expense. I also see that you have wisdom for wanting a better way.

      In such a short time, I see such great qualities in you.

      I know you are seeing your imperfections, but we all have them and if we are lucky, we will have someone to see the good in us and to tell us the good and lovely things about us.

      I honestly see good things about you in just a few paragraphs that you wrote! I would be a proud mother, flaws and all, if you were my child. You have amazing qualities that not everyone has.

      And you are so right that what comes out of your mouth comes from the heart!

      Though I will admit, I have said things in a heat of an angry moment that I didn't typically think. Yet I know what you are saying and I agree with you on that!

      I have to go to bed so I am not so tired at work tomorrow. There is so much more that you wrote I did not get a chance to touch on. But I do want to say that I just love that you tried so hard to make things different and to be a better person and to rise up. That is admirable for sure!

      I am concerned about your grandfather. I hope you tell someone and yell like crazy at him if he touches you in anyway that makes you uncomfortable. No one should ever do that! E V E R!

      One last thing...don't be hard on yourself for "not being accurate" in the way you express yourself. That is not a bad thing at all. It just means others may have to help you express for now. And maybe you just haven't had a lot of chances to express yourself...and so it is all new to you.I don't know..but it doesn't matter why...it only matters that you try.

       worried about you and really concerned about your grandfather as well.

      I hope you find frineds that understand too. Meanwhile, go back and read some of the wonderful things about you. 

      I love hearing from you! You have such a sweet heart...but don't know it yet.

      Night!  I hope you have a good day tomorrow.

       

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    • Posted

      Sorry for late reply. Thank you very much for the kind words! I am very touched for everything! I would be reading these or seek help if I am feeling the intense hate in me. Everything you said makes me think that there are people like you out there. I hope I find someone like you. You sounded like you really care and I matter. Thank you for enlightening me! I'm glad that I got the chance to talk about what I feel.

      I thought that I might be rotting with hate and nobody to tell and comfort. I'm gonna join you in my leayers or wish you all the best! You're a blessing to me Ms.Kathy! When nobody's there to understand me, you were there. Thanks! I also hope that my grandpa would stop making me uncomfortable. I wish all the best for you! I hope there are lots of people like you and your bestfriend! smile

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