Something I found that helps...

As some of you may know, I've been struggling and have been on citalopram for quite a while now. I've had some major lows at times. However, I've found something that helps distract me and lifts my spirits - I also suffer from anxiety issues/mild OCD, and the symptoms of these have decreased as well since I discovered this distraction.

Basically, last week my boyfriend found a baby mouse in the middle of our kitchen, in the middle of the day. We took it in and looked after him - nursing him back to health, spending a lot of time and effort ensuring that he was healthy and happy and warm, well fed, etc. He was absolutely gorgeous - half the size of my thumb, and so tame, he would voluntarily climb onto our hands. Sadly, Frankie (that's what we named him) died on Monday - he had a seizure, and a vet later told us that it sounded like an epileptic seizure, and there was nothing we could have done.

After that, I realised that I needed a pet in my life - something to look after, something small and vulnerable that I could protect, and spend time taming and caring for. So the next day, my boyfriend and I went to a pet shop and bought two baby dwarf hamsters (roborovski). They're brothers, and are about 8/9 weeks old now.

I was really distraught when Frankie died - he'd made me so happy over the few days we had him, and he seemed to really enjoy being with us. I feel happy again, now I have Hamish and Angus (we decided to give them proper Scottish names, since we live in Edinburgh these days!). I've realised that it's great for me to have a pleasant distraction - something beyond uni work and paid work, something I could fully enjoy at all times. I've always adored animals, and I grew up with loads of pets.

So I think that having small pets again has really made a difference to my mood this past week - having other living creatures that rely completely on me, feeling protective over them, putting the effort and energy into slowly gaining their trust and taming them, every day having a purpose that actually gets me out of bed (because, let's face it, however worthwhile my uni work is, the idea of getting up to do an essay, or a massive pile of reading, isn't the most motivational thing ever).

Obviously, I'm still taking my pills. I'm also waiting on an appointment at the student counselling service - I went for an initial appointment, and they're going to try me with psychotherapy and clinical hypnosis to try and help me deal with some things. But I really think having the hamsters, and the mouse before them, has taken away some of my day-to-day despair. They cheer me up, no matter what mood I'm in. They make me feel like I'm not alone, because they're always there.

The only thing is, when it comes to small animals I've always had a bit of a \"once you pop, you just can't stop\" attitude. At the same time as getting the hamsters, I was also in contact with a guy who has some baby mice for sale - and I'm still in contact with him, and still very much considering also buying a couple of mice - I wanted pet mice throughout my childhood, but my dad never let me have them. Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, even a rat, he was fine with, but not mice.

I'm not alone in taking care of them, so it's not a problem - I can handle taking care of them, I enjoy it. Besides, they don't take a great deal of caring for. Clean the cage once a week, check the food and water each day, get them out at least once a day for a wee run around (we got them an exercise ball each, which they really love!), been handling them a fair bit which has worked out fine so far, they're getting used to us. I wasn't fantastic with pets when I was younger, but I'm an adult now, I have a much greater sense of responsibility, and my boyfriend and I share them, so there's two of us taking on the responsibility.

I'm just a little worried that it's a little TOO crazy of me to suddenly buy two hamsters AND two mice in the same week. Even though I've wanted to do so for such a long time.

But yeah, the general purpose of this rambling message was to let people know of something that I've found has helped me - something completely unrelated to medication, or therapy. It gives me purpose, it gives me joy, it gives me intimacy with another creature even when I can't stand to be around people.

And they're so adorable. They're identical (they're brothers), but we can tell them apart by their personalities - Hamish is the dominant one, much more confident with approaching us when we put our hands in the cage, tends to be more active and pushes his brother around a fair bit. Angus is the quieter, more timid one of the pair, but is also the faster one when it comes to moving. They tend to occupy different areas of the cage, although they generally sleep together.

They're really wonderful. And I'm feeling happy.

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